All posts for the month January, 2014
Posted by moon lover on January 7, 2014
I’ve been wanting to write to you for a few days now. I have not had the time or energy to do so but I am making myself sit down and write for fear that if I don’t I will end up calling or texting you and I am determined to not do that anymore. Especially after the last few responses I have received from you on the days that I have. Never before have you responded to my calls with ‘How many times are you going to call’ or my text with ‘What? I’m….’
But those are the responses I receive from you now so even if you aren’t man enough to tell me that you are done with me, US, I’m reading your signals loud and clear now. I only wish you would have given me a proper goodbye. I don’t want to fight or yell or beg you to stay. I just want the last time we interacted to not be a rude text or call. I kinda feel like I deserve better than that. I kinda thought you would give more than that.
Obviously I was wrong. About everything.
I knew deep down that what we had was too good to last or even be real but I wanted it so bad. I was so dumb to believe that there was ever a chance for a love like I thought we had. I feel so stupid to have ever believed that you would keep all of your promises or that the love you said you had was forever, really was. But I did. I really, truly, did believe that we would have it all. I let you convince me that you were my forever, that no matter what was happening you would always be there for me, for US, that the love we shared would and could weather any storm.
What I don’t understand is why? Why would you try so hard to convince me only to leave me in the end? Was it all a game to you? Was that your master plan all along? Were you only trying to fill your empty time with me? Was I just some chick from… that was dumb enough to fall for your bullshit? Did you ever really feel or mean any of the things you told me? Did I open up to you for nothing? Did I share any and everything with you for no reason?
Ugh… the questions I have are never ending. There are so many running through my head that I know now will never be answered. I only wish that I could stop them. I wish that there wasn’t so much of my life that you touched because it makes it that much harder to let you go when so much of every day reminds me of you.
The worst part is that I am sitting here, with tears running down my cheeks as I struggle to take a breath, and you are living your life like there is nothing wrong; like I, US, never existed. How do you do it? How can you continue on when I can barely function due to the massive hole I feel has been ripped away? How do you not try to call or text? How do you just forget about everything we shared?
Please tell me. Please help me stop the hurt.
Posted by moon lover on January 7, 2014
Well hello there… It’s been awhile.
Too long in my opinion but I’ve been trying to avoid a whine session but I just can’t avoid it any longer. If I don’t get some of this out I am afraid of where or when I will have a complete meltdown because at the rate I am going I am on the verge of one.
So, here I sit, with YouTube playing in the background, as I attempt to write to you. Of course Seether, Broken is the first song to play and already I want to just give up, the song alone makes me want to just curl into a ball and forget about the world, the world that you and I don’t exist in anymore, the world that I truly thought would cease to exist if anything ever happened to US, but here I am, without you, without US, yet everyone and everything else is carrying on as if nothing at all is wrong.
How did this happen? When did all the promises and love we made together fall apart? Do you think of me? Does the thought of me or US take your breath away? Does the pain of missing me bring tears to eyes and hurt to your soul? Do you find yourself laying awake at night staring into the darkness longing for me, for US? Do you fall asleep at night with your pillow damp with tears? Do you wake up with a start looking for me, forgetting that I’m not there? Do you hear songs that remind you of US and fight the tears? Do you wish you could forget me? Do you wish I would stop my whining and just move on? Do you regret any or everything?
These are questions that run through my head daily, hourly, minutely, every second. I know the answers to everyone of them for me but I question what the answers would be for you.
I thought I could do this, I thought I would feel better if I tried to write but it’s not helping. It’s making me sick. I’m trying to let you go. I’m trying to leave you alone and not bother you. I’m trying to let life here distract me. But it’s not working. You are in my every thought, you are always on my mind, I can’t run from it, I can’t hide from it. There is no escaping the pain, hurt, or longing that I have.
I want to talk to you so bad but I’m so scared at the same time. I know that I will hear your voice and be a blubbering, crying mess because I miss you so much. But it doesn’t stop the want. It doesn’t stop me wanting you to just hold me and tell me everything is okay and you are mine, like you promised, forever.
I will try to write again later, when the tears are blinding me and I’m not fighting for every breath.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Posted by moon lover on January 5, 2014