Silly girl, He doesn’t want/love/need you anymore… Please let go.

drenched in us

I’ve been wanting to write to you for a few days now. I have not had the time or energy to do so but I am making myself sit down and write for fear that if I don’t I will end up calling or texting you and I am determined to not do that anymore. Especially after the last few responses I have received from you on the days that I have. Never before have you responded to my calls with ‘How many times are you going to call’ or my text with ‘What? I’m….’

But those are the responses I receive from you now so even if you aren’t man enough to tell me that you are done with me, US, I’m reading your signals loud and clear now. I only wish you would have given me a proper goodbye. I don’t want to fight or yell or beg you to stay. I just want the last time we interacted to not be a rude text or call. I kinda feel like I deserve better than that. I kinda thought you would give more than that.

Obviously I was wrong. About everything.

I knew deep down that what we had was too good to last or even be real but I wanted it so bad. I was so dumb to believe that there was ever a chance for a love like I thought we had. I feel so stupid to have ever believed that you would keep all of your promises or that the love you said you had was forever, really was. But I did. I really, truly, did believe that we would have it all. I let you convince me that you were my forever, that no matter what was happening you would always be there for me, for US, that the love we shared would and could weather any storm.

What I don’t understand is why? Why would you try so hard to convince me only to leave me in the end? Was it all a game to you? Was that your master plan all along? Were you only trying to fill your empty time with me? Was I just some chick from… that was dumb enough to fall for your bullshit? Did you ever really feel or mean any of the things you told me? Did I open up to you for nothing? Did I share any and everything with you for no reason?

Ugh… the questions I have are never ending. There are so many running through my head that I know now will never be answered. I only wish that I could stop them. I wish that there wasn’t so much of my life that you touched because it makes it that much harder to let you go when so much of every day reminds me of you.

The worst part is that I am sitting here, with tears running down my cheeks as I struggle to take a breath, and you are living your life like there is nothing wrong; like I, US, never existed. How do you do it? How can you continue on when I can barely function due to the massive hole I feel has been ripped away? How do you not try to call or text? How do you just forget about everything we shared?

Please tell me. Please help me stop the hurt.

Please….

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2 Comments

  1. I doubt he’s thinking all the things you say he is. That he doesn’t care. never cared. That it was all a big lie. I doubt that. I don’t know your story, but i was “him” too. I wanted out because it was wrong. Because it was dangerous. Because it was stressful. Because, in the end, I could not lose my marriage and family. Despite how I felt about “her”. I’m betting he is thinking the same or something similar. The whole thing — I was in such turmoil. I was in love, but in utter inner turmoil. I got the edge of the abyss and looked over the side, and didn’t like what i saw and backed away. But it doesn’t mean I never cared. Far from it.

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  2. I am going through exactly the same thing. I know what that implies – I found a love like yours – a love that was more intense than most people feel in a lifetime. A love that makes you feel safe with the person – makes you feel like there’s no one or nothing that can hurt you – no one else even mattered. For a while, us made us feel like we were one. Then it went away – then we kept fighting for it – now we stopped. How do I move on? The pain is too much to bear – and my emotions go from anger to depression to feeling like it’s going to be ok – and back. I can’t accept that it wasn’t real, but I can’t accept that it would end if it were. And how can he move on? The one thing that eats me up is my friends who say they understand – but how can they understand? They’ve never felt anything even remotely close to what US felt like. I’m sorry I’m commenting – but you seem to be the first person I’ve encountered who knows what this kind of love – and loss feels like.

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