Where’s my fucking rose?! I hate roses anyways.

killed inside

I have read your email countless times tonight. I don’t know how to process it.

I have so much to say tonight.

I seriously feel like I could get my write on right now but life has other ideas for me. And I don’t know if I should write anymore, apparently it pisses you off?

Why?

You left me. You ditched me when I needed you most.

But it’s okay. I was pretty shitty to you too.

Sorry.

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I’m never going to be what you want me to be… Sorry I’m not sorry.

sin differently

I love how the only interaction I get with you is negative now. Gone are the days filled with I love you’s, miss you’s, need you’s, or just a simple thinking of you texts. Now I get… well you know what I get. 

But what I don’t get is what it is you want from me?

I feel like I am always in trouble with you, like I have just done something to piss you off, everything seems like it’s a yell or I’m a disappointment to you now.

I hate it.

I have somehow given you this power and it sucks.

In other news…

This is supposed to be the one place in my crazy world that I can come to and vent and get all the ugliness I am feeling out. The one place where I get to say and tell exactly how I feel. The place where the only thing I give is brutal honesty. This blog was made for that specific purpose.

But now I feel like I have to censor what I am saying or feeling because I might piss off or hurt someones feeling.

You don’t get to judge me here.

You don’t get to use anything here against me.

If you don’t like what I am saying or how I am feeling then you don’t get to be here. Don’t read what I write. You don’t have to.

But I’m not going to stop writing. I’m not going to pretend like life is all sunshine and unicorns here. I’m not going to change how I write here.

I never will.

This will always be the realest, rawest, sometimes ugliest, truths of the most beautiful love ever.

I don’t care that it’s over.

Lost but never forgotten…

 

I’m not happy, you’re not happy… Or are you?

sad soul

It’s been 2 weekends now and I have kept my word. I haven’t called. I haven’t text. I haven’t emailed.

And neither have You…

I haven’t taken a full breath or slept through the night.

But I’m not going to talk about that. I’m not focusing on the moments that bring tears to my eyes and a hurt to my soul.

I’m still chanting that silly saying over and over… I’m letting go, I’m letting go…

Maybe I should switch it up to, ‘He let go, he let go, he let go…’ Think it might make the hurt hurt a little less?

Probably not.

I hate so much that you get to just act like nothing is wrong and everything is super because no one knows about me. No one asks you how I am or when the last time you talk to me. You don’t have to be reminded of me ever because I don’t exist over there. But I’m reminded of you all the time. Sucks.

Yay you.

I’m glad one of us made it out of this.

Sorry about all the ugly here. Guess I don’t have anything nice to say so I wont say anymore at all.

Night.

I’m letting him go, I’m letting him go… Kinda.

heartache

I’m finally sticking to my word. It is so damn hard but I’m doing it. Kinda. I cant tell you how many times I have had to stop myself from reaching out to you. I just keep chanting, ‘You’re letting him go, you’re letting him go’, over and over in my head. It super sucks. I hate that I cant stop thinking of you. I hate that there are so many moments each day that tears spring to my eyes because of something that has reminded me of US. The worst is when I’m not alone and this happens. I’m getting pretty good at faking it again.

I’m turning into a cry in the shower kind of girl lately and I’m okay with that,  it keeps me sane and that is a good thing.

I guess that is all I got right now.

Weird because I was sure this would be a novel but turns out I don’t want to sit here and wallow in my loneliness anymore. I’m pretty sure I’m starting to accept the fact that I’m letting you go, not that it makes the it hurt any less but at least I am trying.

I need to find my happiness in the fact that you are happier without me. If only I could stop hurting so bad when I picture you being so damn happy without US. I am sure that will come with time but for now I am just going try to ignore the hurt and keep chanting, ‘ I’m letting him go…’