I hope you die you fucking bitch… At least he tells me what’s on his mind.

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I don’t have my laptop only my phone so no long post tonight, lucky you.

But how do you do it? How am I supposed to let you go after looking you in the eyes, hearing you whisper your love, and saying you wanted it every night… again… and then just go awol and not respond to any texts our calls?

I don’t know what I was writing about. I started this late last night.

Just posting as is.

Still haven’t talked to you… fml

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Pretty sure I’m delirious at this point. I barely sleep and when I do its only about 2 hours at a time. I think I dreamt you up last night. I seen you. I looked in your eyes. You said over and over how you missed me and needed me. I didn’t over think or analyze anything you said. I only let your words flow over me. I felt them. I wished them to be real.

I’m too tired. If dreaming you up is all that I get of you, I’ll take it.

I love you. I love you too fucking much…

I’m a sad soul… Living inside of a corpse.

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I want to wake up. I want to find out this was all a sick nightmare. I want you to tell me this was all just a way for you test my love and make sure that it was real and that I passed and you’re mine and you always have and always will be.

None of those things are going to happen.

You are really gone.

You’re not coming back.

You don’t want to be back.

How the fuck can I be writing these words? How can I be talking about us when I type out that you’re gone?!

You’re gone….

I can’t accept it, I can’t breathe when I try to so I have given up trying.

I know I’ve said it earlier but I truly feel the absence of you in my soul. I can’t believe that for a whole fucking lifetime I have to go without you.

This is so much worse than I have ever felt before.

Why?!

Why did you spend so many years stroking my love? Why would you tell me all these fake stories of how you were the one for me? Why would you pretend like you loved me?

I don’t even know what to do. I want to beg you to come back. And then I remember… I did.

You barely heard me.

I want to sleep. I don’t want you to be in my dreams anymore. I don’t want to have to feel the loss of you even while I sleep.

But it doesn’t matter.

You live in my soul. You have been burned into my being. No matter where I go or what I do you are always there, lingering is the pain of you missing, I can’t escape it.

And everything I’m feeling makes me so fucking pathetic I can hardly stand it.

I’m broken. I’m dead. I’m a walking fucking zombie.

All because I believed in a love that wasn’t even fucking real!!!

Why did I believe in you?

 

I can’t breathe… I don’t know if I even want to.

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This feeling is never going to go away. I’m going to have to learn how to live with the emptiness of you.

That’s not fair. You said I would never know what this feels like. You promised you’d always be here. The pain from losing you should never have been something I had to feel.

Are you enjoying the silence? Do you even notice I’m not bothering you. Can you tell that I’m gone?

Do you feel it to?

I’ll never know…

Take my heart, it’s no good to anyone else… it only belongs to you.

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Today is my first real day without you. I feel you missing from my soul. It’s an odd feeling, one I’ve not experienced before. I literally feel empty inside, like I’m walking, talking, and doing the motions of daily life but I don’t feel anything.

I smile but only for appearance.

I’m dead on the inside.

I talked to a friend yesterday, one I haven’t talked to in awhile, he said something that struck a chord. He said that your past is your past for a reason.

You’re my past.

I need to accept that and let you go.

I need to not dwell on the fact that I wasn’t good enough for you, that my love meant nothing to you, that everything I thought we had was NOTHING…

I heard his words. I understand them. But my heart and soul doesn’t know how to let go. How do you let go of everything you thought would be yours for a lifetime?

How do you walk away and not fight until you’re last breath for something that you’d lay your life down for?

How do you live knowing that the other piece to your soul is going to be someone else’s forever?

How do you give up with no regret?

I’m asking you ask these questions because you’ve done them all already. You’ve continued living without me like I never existed.

How?

Please give me the answers. Please help the hurt go away.

Please.

Anyone…

Fuck the pain away… my new motto.

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I’m determined to let go. You’re my past and I need to accept that. It’s hard. It’s miserable.

It just might kill me…

But at least I can find ways to numb the hurt.

Only a lifetime to go.

Same old whine… boo-fucking-hoo.

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I’m sick of being sad and missing you. I’m ready to be pissed off and over it.

I’m ready to forget you like you did me…

Started this last night… still alive, barely.

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It’s been 6 nights since we’ve talked. By talk I mean you yelling some word, I think it was now, at me and then hanging up. I’m trying to do everything I can to distract myself and make it thru to the next minute.

Nights are the hardest. The silence makes it impossible to forget you. There is nothing to make the hurt of missing you go away.

I’m finding there are a few things that numb the pain or at least dull it. But I doubt there will ever be anything that takes it away. I’m ok with that. If the hurt from missing you is all that I have left of you I’ll take it.

I wonder if you hurt from missing me. If you don’t can you feel the hurt in your soul? Does your soul feel anything? It has to because it belongs with mine and mine is broken and aching.

Oh my God a whole lifetime?!

I’m dying baby….

I’ll never love as deep ever again… It would be impossible, there is nothing of me left.

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You can wake me up now.

Someone.

Anyone.

Please…

I don’t want to live this nightmare anymore. I don’t want to know this life where I’m nothing to you. I don’t want my every thought consumed by you. I don’t want to constantly be wiping the tears away because they won’t stop falling. I don’t want the hurt of losing you to drop me to my knees. I don’t want to be so helpless for your love.

Help me somebody… anybody.

Please.

Made it thru the night and another day… only a lifetime to go. Gag.

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It’s quiet here, well except for the tv because Jimmy Fallon makes just about anything better, and I just got out of the shower. I even shaved my legs! May not seem like a big thing to you but to me it’s a huge feat to me. I’m staring at the screen and coming up blank because I don’t want you to know how sad I am and I am sick of being so sad over someone who had moved so far on.

I’m off to read my new book, The Sociopath Next Door, it’s definitely a great way to distract myself to sleep.

Hoping if I wake the hurt is gone. Like you are…