If I listen close enough I swear I can still hear your voice… Soulaches.



I’m trying my hardest to not be weak.

I’m trying my hardest to not care.

I’m trying my hardest to breathe.

I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and I’m focusing only on my next step.

I’m sure this sounds stupid and pity to you, I doubt you could even relate to feeling like there is no meaning in this world, but for me this is the cold, hard truth.

I will make it through this. I will live. I always knew I would.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to have to learn how to live without fully feeling alive. But I have to.

I have to learn how to not let the hurt of missing you bring me to my knees.

I have to learn how to smile on the outside while masking the white hot burn I feel at my core from the loss of you.

I have to learn to not run to you when I’m hurt/sad/angry/happy/excited/nervous/sick.

I have to remind myself that I will survive.

I have to remind myself to breathe, literally.

I have to find strength in the fact that this is what you want and that you are happier without me.

I have to do all of these things, alone, all of the things that you promised I would never have to worry about have become my reality.

I am literally living half alive.

And it’s complete bullshit.

I shouldn’t have to. You are alive. You are walking this earth. No sick disease stole you from me.

You walked away on your own free will. Without looking back or thinking how it would affect me.

I can’t believe it.

I am struggling to accept that after YEARS of loving me, and convincing me to do the same, you would just walk away and leave me crumpled on the floor.

I keep going back to this not being real; that everything we ever had was fake or make believe. I can’t understand how, if what we had was real, you could just walk away. If the love that I felt from you was real there is no way that I could ever live without it; so how can you?

Since you walked away without looking back and are very much alive then…

It had to be fake…


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