I can’t feel your soul… I can’t feel anything.

sound of your soul

 

I have vowed to not contact you anymore.

Not for your sake but for mine.

Really I shouldn’t care about you anymore. I shouldn’t give a flying fuck if you are upset or annoyed if I call or text you.

But I do.

I care too damn much.

If I didn’t care about you and love you so fucking much than this wouldn’t be such a big ordeal. I wouldn’t be laying broken on the ground begging for the end if I didn’t think that we were worth every fucking second of the pain and embarrassment that I feel, and believe me I am so ashamed for loving you as much as I do, because everything I felt/said/whispered/cried/yelled/screamed/moaned was real.

It all came from the realest place possible.

I loved you literally from the depths of my soul.

When I am alone is the hardest times to keep it together.

When there is nothing or no one around to distract/witness my brokenness I can’t stop the tears that fall. 

I can’t stop the sobs that escape. Sometimes the sounds that make it out scare me. I can only describe them as screams from the soul. There is no stopping them. I don’t even try anymore. There is too much hurt and loss to hold back anymore.

So I have no other choice but to let it out.

How miserable must life have been with me that this is the better alternative. It makes me so sick and sad that I made you so unhappy that life without me is better.

I can’t wrap my head around that.

I don’t think I will ever be able to.

I don’t think I will ever understand anything worse than life without you.

But you have decided the opposite.

You have chose a life without me and are living it like I never existed, like US never happened or meant anything, and I will never be able to understand that either.

I can’t ever imagine life with you being so miserable, until the way you have treated me recently, that I would rather live a life without you than with you.

What could I have possibly done to deserve this?

Seriously?!

Fucking tell me.

Did I love you too much?

Was it wanting you to come to bed with me at night that did it? I didn’t even care what you did before you came to bed I just wanted you to be with me through the night, holding and loving me. Was that too much?

Did I not love you enough?

I can’t imagine that was it. I am sickened myself by how much I loved you.

I guess I could spend eternity asking what I did wrong. And I just might.

But right now I have to stop.

I have to try to convince myself to stop this madness and just walk away from the computer right now.

But I don’t know how.

It’s the only thing that is keeping me sane right now.

It is the only thing that is helping me stay on this planet.

Because I don’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t want to pretend like I am going get over this.

Because I’m not.

I can’t.

I can only hope I learn how to live with the loss of you.

For now I will live each day hoping that somewhere, even if here on earth is not it, we are destined to be together.

Until we meet again…

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