I miss you with every breath… I die with every memory.

changes chaos

I miss you.

I’ll spend forever missing you.

But I don’t feel the burning need to reach out to you and beg you over and over to show me you miss and think of me. I know now you don’t. You haven’t for a long, long time.

I no longer feel like I have to fight for US with everything in my being. My soul and I know now that there is nothing to fight for.

I got a tattoo today.

Of course it has a moon in it.

You live in my soul so you should be inked in my skin. Or at least I think you should and it’s my skin.

I put in my headset, turned on some Lana Del Rey and let myself feel every burn and sting of the needle as it inked you forever into me, while at the same time reminding me ‘that this too shall pass…’

I’ll forever wonder if you think about me.

I’ll always know the answer to that now is no.

Doesn’t mean that just because I know the hurt kills me any less…

I’m still going to always wonder how a love like ours could disappear. I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer.

I’ll never understand how after having my soul shattered and destroyed by you I still feel like if we ever found US again I’d fight just as hard as before.

I know that will never happen. I replay you looking at me and telling me how you’re in love with her over and over again.

I die every time.

Just because I don’t have the burning need to ‘constantly blow up your phone’ (pretty sure that is how you’re little friend put it) it doesn’t mean that the hurt of missing you is any less.

I wish that were the case.

But no. Not at all.

I’m still just as broken as ever.

I just get to be broken knowing that I’ve lost you forever.

I get to live knowing that you have found the soul mate and love, that you thought you’d found with me, with someone else already and that you never got to truly feel the loss of me and probably never will. (Talk about knife in the heart, you are never going to miss me the way I miss you. The hurt from the loss of me will never bring you to your knees in front of whoever happens to be there because the hurt is just too much to handle and the grief drops you and there’s nothing you can do.)

You never get to wonder if someone else is loving me to sleep because I’m yours forever, pathetic huh?

The ultimate pathetic admission… You’ve destroyed/defeated/devastated/lied/cheated/hurt/used/shattered/left me but I would spend eternity with you in a heartbeat…

I’m exhausted.

Pretending to feel is tiring. It was nice to feel something for a bit today during the tattoo. I was starting to think nothing could make me feel again.

I almost laughed today too. Almost.

Good night cold cruel world, I hate you..

Advertisements
Leave a comment

1 Comment

  1. Bittersweet. My heart goes out to you, may you take this pain and turn it into wonderful things ❤

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: