Go and fix your makeup Girl, it’s just a break up… fck it.

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It’s not really writing to you if I only say I’m thinking of you… is it?

Cuz I’m thinking of you, I’m so sad thinking about what we could have been, of how amazing a love like ours could have made this fucked up thing called life worth it..

But it’s whatever now.

We are nothing…

I’m still trying to accept a lifetime without US. It’s obviously going really well seeing as I’m still not sleeping and it’s been weeks and weeks…

I’m feeling more alone & alive than ever and I’m terrified… You should be too.

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It’s been way too fucking long….

TGIF?

TGImstillaliveandbarelybreathing is more like it..

You’re nothing but a dirty hope crusher… Moving on without you.

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I Forgot To Tell Her

Love love love this…

Thank you never quite broken.

I got another fck you text from you again… I text you with no response for months but now you’re sending the f bombs almost daily. Lucky lucky me.

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I’ll do all my writing in picture quotes from now on.

Thank you Amanda Torroni for saying it so perfectly for me.

If the love you share is mad, passionate, crazy, unforgettable, eternal & comes from the depths of your soul and HE WALKS AWAY… Then He never meant a thing he said and you’re better off without him!

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I was going to continue to write here but I am not.

I don’t feel better when I write to you anymore and really I don’t have anything left to say to you.

Or your EX WIFE who decided to stalk me down and read this (and I’m the crazy, psycho right?).

You were the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.

I will walk away with my head held high and only take the good that I got out of US because, no matter what anyone wants to think or thinks that they know, we made so much good!

You showed me that even though you were a phony/fake/lying/cheating lover, I am able to love from the depths of my soul with a love that is everlasting.

I know that I can allow someone in and see the deepest darkest parts of me.

I have learned through all of this that the love I felt and the amazingness that was made, came from my soul, the depths of my soul, which means I can feel all of these things again.

I just have to find someone worthy of the love that I have to offer.

And you are not that person.

But I am learning now, quicker than ever, that all of the good things that you said I had other people see in me as well and they voice them to me. Maybe they have been saying them the whole time but I have been so deafened by our love that I didn’t hear them.

But I am hearing them loud and clear now.

And I am trying my hardest to not brush them off or shush them but to take each one with a smile and a thank you instead.

Oh, and I did want to give you one more THANK YOU for calling/texting/sexting and video messaging the other night and then leaving with a FUCK YOU again after figuring out you weren’t getting anything.

Mucho appreciated!!

How nice for you to waltz back in for only sixty-ish minutes, because I am sure that either that little girl or someone else became available that was more important than me, and pretend to care and love and miss me telling me how much you do but then immediately switch to a fuck you, you’re done?!

You make me laugh!

You don’t have the option of being done!

Because you never had another chance my dear!

I meant it when I said I will love and care about you forever!

I truly will from the depths of my broken, but healing,  soul.

But I will love myself just as fucking much.

And I will NOT  allow myself to be surrounded by people who are neither honest or sincere, people who lie, cheat, and treat me with no respect, who are cold-hearted and soul-less, who tell me one thing to my face while telling some little kid/EX-Wife/friends that I meant nothing to you and were nothing but just some chick you used to date, that I am crazy and won’t leave you alone and keep blowing up your phone (has your phone rang or have you received a text from me in weeks? Didn’t think so, with the exception of the EX incident) while never telling them that you have been filling me full of bullshit lies and texts/emails/voicemails/video messages/love sessions begging me not to give up that you loved and wanted me blah blah blah…

You were all of those things to me.

I had to revise the ending and remove my snarky comments to your EX, just in case she decides to come back and take a peak, because I realized that bitch has no place here and never will.

How fitting that this song just came on Pandora while I’m posting my final goodbye…

In all the world… there is no better heart for me like yours.

In all the world… there is no better love you for like mine.

~Maya Angelou

I’m still here… Kinda.

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I haven’t let myself post in a long time.

It’s been 8 days and 2 hours since I’ve heard/looked/talked/text you.

I’ve died a little bit more every second.

I’m trying my hardest to adjust to living without feeling.

I’m trying my best to not let myself completely spiral down the rabbit hole that seems like it’s always only a few steps behind me, chasing after me as fast as it can trying to snatch me when I least expect it.

But I’m aware of it.

I’m very aware of it.

It might not know it but I’m the one who has to constantly talk myself out of jumping in feet first and letting it take me the fuck out of here.

I can hardly believe that it has only been a week without you.

I can’t fucking believe that you have spent a week getting closer and being with her while I have spent a week picking myself up off the ground, running to throw up over and over again, not sleeping, can’t breathe, wanting to die.

But I’m sure you have had the best most relaxed week ever because I haven’t been there to ‘constantly blow your shit up’.

I honestly thought it would be so much harder to not contact you.

Not that it isn’t hard but it’s getting easier and easier to remind myself that you don’t care and that it doesn’t matter if I did reach out because, even though you said you would always be there for me, you wouldn’t answer even if I did call.

So instead… I wake up each day, after only a few hours of restless dreams where I seem to search for you over and over but can never find you, and put one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe and that you don’t care and that it’s ok because…

This too shall pass…

 

Convince me again that life without you is worth it… please. Anyone.

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I’m alive.

I will stay alive.

I need to be here.

Right?

Tomorrow marks 7 days of living without a soul… I want you back but can never have you. Worst feeling ever.

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I used to never escape you. The thoughts are still there, you still race thru my mind but I can’t find you anywhere.

I don’t even see you in my dreams anymore. Even when you left me or didn’t want me in any dream I still dreamed of you.

Now I can’t find you even in my dreams.

It’s like you don’t exist for me anymore.

Now when you are hurt/sad/ need someone it’s not me you want.

You get to go to her.

You get to text her when you need someone.

She’s who you want to soothe your soul.

You don’t even miss me.

I don’t think you even notice I’m gone.

When you hurt I hurt for you. When you’re sad I’m sad with you. I want to reach out to you and tell you how much I love and believe in you. I want to wrap you in my love and take away all that hurts you. I want to look in your eyes and tell you how important and amazing you are.

But then I remember…

I did all of those things, over and over again.

I gave you everything. I tried to show you how you were everything to me.

It wasn’t enough.

You don’t care.

The feelings I have for you will never fade in a lifetime. But I get to live that lifetime knowing that I wasn’t good enough for you. My love wasn’t the love you wanted for a lifetime.

I am not who/what you want.

She is….