This is what 4 weeks & 3 days looked like without you… It took me about that long to post it too.

 

i hate love

 

I’m finding myself with a few moments to myself so of course I am going to take the time to write or at least try to…

I have been writing and not posting a lot lately. Mostly because it doesn’t really matter anymore and it doesn’t make me feel better.

I don’t even know how long it has been since we ‘broke up’ but it feels like forever.

Thinking about it I guess we haven’t been for 9 plus months according to you and the story you tell everyone close to you.

But for me… even though I have felt that you have been gone for almost that long I didn’t completely feel it in my soul until about 4 weeks 3 days ago… pathetic.

I’m so sidetracked I can’t keep my thoughts in order.

The only thing I know is that what I am feeling, or not feeling, in my soul is not describable. There are hardly words for the way that deep inside I feel nothing. I can only describe it as my soul because even though I hurt physically from you leaving the missing you comes from someplace so much deeper.

And you’re gone.

You ignited an inferno like the wildest out of control forest fire in the thickest of Amazon jungles immediately engulfing any and everything around it incinerating it to nothing.

And that is what I feel without you.

Nothing.

But you don’t even notice I’m gone.

You barely even remember loving me…

And that super fucking sucks…

 

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Just Remember

Scribbler Café

Can you see me? I am here. I’ve been here all along. I see you crying out for me as you clutch my jacket to your chest and breathe in my scent.
Can you feel me? I am holding your face. I feel your heart hurting when you think of me. I feel your chest tighten when you realize it’s been so long without me.
Can you hear me? I am telling you there will be rest. I hear you whispering my name in your sleep, your voice cracking under the weight of your grief.

Just remember. I am here. I am holding your face. I am telling you there will be rest.

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I was told not to blog so I didn’t, well I did I just didn’t post it… Until now.

 

say sorry

 

So I’ve been told not to blog.

I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.

You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you again.

I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.

It was amazing.

I wasn’t searching for you.

None of your features were blurred.

It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.

We weren’t fighting.

We weren’t hiding from anyone.

You didn’t reject me.

We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.

It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.

I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.

It was amazing.

I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.

I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.

So I did.

And now this.

Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, mascara smeared, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.

But I didn’t.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m weak when it comes to your love.

I will fall for it everytime.

I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)

I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.

You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.

So who are you lying to?

Me?

Them?

Yourself?

There has to be a reason why you didn’t want me to blog about our conversations or Skype.

What is it?

You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.

Who would I tell?

I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?

And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?

Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?

I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.

I started this last night.

As we were arguing via text.

Before you text me and called me.

Before we Skype’d.

Before we spent time just being US.

Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.

Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.

I miss that so bad.

I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.

I missed the way you make me laugh.

I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.

But…

I’m sure it was a mistake.

I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.

I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.

I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.

I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.

I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.

And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.

On another note I have a new anthem check it out. I think it is amazefuckingballz!!

 

Do You Love Me?

I don’t post much anymore. That doesn’t mean I don’t write.
It’s best when someone can take the words from my soul and speak them for me.
Tonight this post did just that. I feel like Josephine Ranes reached right into my soul and found a way to put my brokenness into words.
Thank you.
Your words saved me tonight…

I miss me too… But not as much as I miss you.

image

Where to begin?

I mean… I shouldn’t even have to begin again but I am so fucking stupid that as soon as you showed me any kind of attention I melted for you like a snow cone in fucking Phoenix… pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic.

And here I am.

Re writing the same fucking story just another night.

One of the things saving me this time is that I don’t believe anything anymore so the bullshit you were spewing, via Skype non the less ( I said I was pathetic okay geez I get it), didn’t really mean anything to me. If it had been the me from just a few months ago, the one that fought every second of every day for a love that didn’t exist (ya that’s the one), then I would most likely be broken on the floor again after you disappeared again after only a few text messages and several days.

But it wasn’t that me.

It was the broken, shattered, doesn’t feel a fucking thing Me. The one who doesn’t believe in any bullshit forever love, the one who doesn’t believe in soul mates, because if they existed you were mine and you are gone so they cant exist. So I just kind of brush the tears that slowly fall while almost smiling on the inside because I the one thing I did believe was that you wouldn’t stay for long and you didn’t mean a thing you said. You never have.

None of that means that it doesn’t hurt, that I am not sad that you would hurt me again after seeing and knowing how broken I truly am.

Because I am.

I hurt.

I’m sad.

I don’t sleep.

Not a second goes by that you aren’t running through my soul….

I’m sorry I will never be enough for you….

I’m sorry.