Diet Mtn Dew baby New York City… Baby you’re no good for me.

 

wont forget you

I have literally spent years writing about how I’m falling truly/madly/deeply in love with you.

Now I have to struggle to find words to describe falling out of said Love, and it’s soul shattering.

I feel like the words to describe our love the love we once had flow out of me so easily,  almost barely having to think about anything before my fingers just take off and paint the most beautiful picture ever of  a truly amazing love story.

But now I have to train those same fingers to paint the picture of something that is indescribable to me, something so dark and empty that I struggle to find words to put together. Not that I’m not used to writing about dark and empty because I am, don’t get me wrong, I’m all to familiar with that.

It’s what we’ve become that I struggle with. I’m having a difficult time convincing me, that the love that once shined brighter and more brilliantly  than anything earthly imaginable has now become something that is so empty and broken that’s it’s not even recognizable.  I really don’t have words for it and I am sure nobody cares but me anyway.

That doesn’t stop the hurt that I still feel from it, it also doesn’t stop the nightmares that wake me from the small naps that I try to sneak in at night (most people would refer to said naps as sleeping or bedtime, you know where you sleep at least 6 hours maybe even 8, yea I get 2 hour naps, if I’m lucky). Sadly I can try to convince myself all day long with my ‘I am okay, I got this, no one can stop me now’ attitude, but at night when the world is quiet and the house is silent there is no convincing my aching soul…

I wish I could just throw myself into another love like you have but I can’t.

I can’t find it in my broken soul to fake it.

Which only makes me freak out more thinking about how you have moved on and how you tell her how you are in love with her and how you would compare it to the love we had but there is NO way possible that you could have loved the way you said you did and already recovered so quickly AND still have something left over to fall in love just as deeply again…

I call BULLSHIT!!

You either never loved me the way you said all these years and everyfuckingthing was fake or… You don’t love her as much as you think you do and she’s just a band-aid for your broken soul. Bad thing about band-aids is you can’t keep them on forever, eventually you have to rip those bitches off as quick possible and toss ’em in the trash. But it literally only hurts for a second you’ve forgotten about the band-aid before it’s even hit the can.

I’m not looking for any kind of band-aid, I’m feeling and experiencing every terrible thing, and a few good, there is from this. I’m not trying to hide away from it and pretend like it didn’t or doesn’t matter because it did and it does. I have always been true and open to US and everything that came from US, even though this is what US has become I am still going to be just as open and honest with the pain and hurt of losing you.

I always thought you would too… How wrong I was.

 

Posting again from writings of weeks gone by… I don’t know why it takes me so long to post now.

our lives unravel

 

 

I have spent months without you now.

I have spent weeks trying to convince my heart and soul that it’s okay to move on and try to fit the pieces back together.

It isn’t really working.

Nothing really works.

At the end of the day everything comes back to you.

The words spoke weren’t from your mouth so they rushed right by.

The body didn’t belong to you so I am touched without feeling a fucking thing.

The promises and love professed was not from you so they might have well just not been said.

Just when I think I got this and that I am going to survive this… I am slammed with the reality that I have a whole lifetime left without you.

I remember that I have to go an eternity without feeling your love.

And then I can’t breathe.

I struggle to find the strength to carry on.

I search for the reasoning behind the universe bringing you into my life and showing me what it felt like to find someone that is a part of your soul… only to rip you away from me.

Was it a tease?

Were you testing me Universe? Did you want to see if I was able to love from the depths of my soul? Did I pass? Did you get what you wanted from this? Can you share with me the answers that I have spent too many sleepless nights searching for?

No?

Yea, I didn’t think so.

Because I don’t think there are answers to any of my questions.

Except one.

The only answer I come back to every time is that…

None of this was real.

All of this was just a made up story tale with the most tragic ending possible.

A soul shattered and destroyed beyond recognition.

I am so scared I wont be able to find enough pieces that are salvageable. It’s almost like there aren’t any pieces to look for because all that is left has been incinerated and what is left is barely recognizable like the sandy ash that is left behind; the kind that looks sturdy and solid but if you touch it everything slowly starts to crumble in on it’s self because it’s empty inside.

That’s me…

Empty inside.

And I doubt you even remember I existed.