Because sometimes crying in the shower is the only thing that saves you.

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I cried today, harder than I have in awhile, I cried for the loss of you (shocker I know but this was a different loss) I cried until there was nothing left, with the water so hot it feels cold I let the tears fall. Not only did I lose a lover when you left but I lost one of my best friends. If there was a time that I was happy or something great happened, you were the first one I wanted to tell. If I was sad or having a miserable day, you were the one I ran to because I could always count on you to brighten my mood. You held me while I cried and loved me when I needed it most.
Now there’s nothing.

You’re gone and there is nothing that will ever change that.

This is our end.

We are nothing.

And I’m nothing without you.

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This song is not for the living, this song is for the dead…. and baby I’m dead.

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I can’t stop listening to this song. It feels like the lyrics have been torn from my soul and put to this beautifully eerie yet sad melody… Walk with me, don’t let this fucking world tear you apart…

This song is not for the living
This song is for the dead

With my face against the floor
I can’t see who knocked me out of the way
I don’t want to get back up
But I have to, so it might as well be today
Nothing appeals to me, no one feels like me
I’m too busy being calm to disappear
I’m in no shape to be alone
Contrary to the shit that you might hear

So walk with me, walk with me
Don’t let this symbolism kill your heart
Walk with me, walk with me
Just like we should have done right from the start
Walk with me, walk with me
Don’t let this fucking world tear you apart

I can’t even look at my eyes in the mirror anymore without thinking about how much you said you loved them… Or was that a lie too?

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I have more unfinished posts than I’d like to admit but so many of the recent ones are full of anger and sorrow that I don’t want to post them. Maybe I will at some point compile them into one post but that would require me to read them a bit and I don’t read after I write and the few times I have read I don’t even remember writing the words but I can almost always remember the feelings…. sidetracked.

I think where I was going with this is that even though there are times when I am filled with so much dislike and anger for you, but then… then there are times when there isn’t enough anger or dislike in the world to mask the hurt and sadness I feel from the loss of you, like now. I am so sad thinking about how I was stupid to even think that there was a possibility of you really being the man I fell in love with. I knew then and I know now that’s never going to be a possibility. Does that stop or lessen the hurt or longing for you? Not one bit. I don’t know if anything ever will.

I have been thinking about so much again when it comes to you and I, love, relationships, soul mates, and everyfuckingthing else, I have enough time since I don’t sleep anymore, I thought I had gotten past this. I thought I was beyond all of the panic attacks, night terrors, screaming/crying, and all of the other darkness that comes with the loss of you but since you decided to come in and treat me worse than before I have regressed more than I’d like to admit. I have been clingy, weak, and pathetic. I am not proud to admit that I had to stop myself from sending texts, although I’m sure you wouldn’t call that stopping myself… trust me when I say I did, I could have text you a novel, several times over, but I didn’t so I consider that stopping myself. It took me a bit to realize that I was begging for your love again, you had given me just enough attention to suck me back in, you turned on just enough charm and knew all the right things to say (why wouldn’t you though since I ou have spent the last 3 years baring my soul to you) and the flirty little words to whisper. And I fell for it. For every word. Every. Fucking. Word. I had my doubts of course, but I could only remember the good in you at that time and all the good I was kinda feeling at the time won out.

Plus I didn’t want to let myself think that there was anyway that you would do the same thing to me again. I mean, there was no reason to. We weren’t together, you had left me for another chick, I knew about her, there was no fucking reason for you to lie to me about anything. And yet you still did. Even after I gave you every opportunity to be honest you chose to continue to be fake and lie and say that you were over her and hadn’t talked in weeks, you realized how much you missed me, you wished you could have me back, I told you how broken I was, I told you how there was no need for false promises or fake words because I had no wants, the baby’s and I love you’s that you were throwing out were only welcomed if they were true and from the heart and yet you still continued, the only thing I asked of you over and over was to not hurt me, to not fill me full of empty promises, please don’t hurt me… you cried to me and promised. You begged me to make love with you.. why? why would you come back only to break me more? Did you really think that I would survive you turning your back on me again? Or is it that you truly don’t care about me?

You get so mad when I question your love for me. You get pissed off and angry that I would ever doubt that what you said was true but then you do things like this to me. You act like I’m nothing. You forget that I’m a person, with a real soul. I might just be a video call to you but I truly exist. I am as real as she is and if you wouldn’t treat her like this then you shouldn’t treat me like this because I am no less important on this earth than she is. You don’t have to love me, I understand that the soul loves who it loves, I don’t fault you for that, it’s the way you treat me that is wrong. Don’t love me, don’t ever think about me again that is fine but don’t knowingly do hurtful things to me. I deserve better than that, any person does.

I had to take a break from writing for a bit and just reset before I let myself get too carried away down the path of darkness. I realized that the only person that is hurting from this is me and I am choosing to not give you that much power over me anymore.

I have spent my fair share time thinking of how I could get my revenge on you, how could I hurt you the most? After many hours I have finally realized that the best revenge I could ever get on you… is to find my happy again, find the me that I was when I was most in love with you and try to be her again. I will allow myself to be broken/hurt/sad and whatever else I need to deal with the loss of you but then I need to let you go, forever, and then allow myself to heal. I need to keep reminding myself that I am worth the love that I thought I shared with you, I need to accept that I am capable of loving someone else with the same depth of love that I had for you because just because it wasn’t good enough for that doesn’t mean that it won’t be good enough for someone else. I need to stop comparing everything to you, I need to stop trying to compete with the love that I thought you had for me and realize that there is a beautiful love story waiting to be written for me, I just need to be ready to write it. And I’m not yet. But I can be. I will be.

Someday my fairytale will begin, my soul will heal and there will be a new cast of characters that will somehow not include you.

But you see… that is the hardest thing for me to accept.. how the fuck does my story not include you?!?!

You were supposed to be my life so how are you not a part of my story?

I knew I never should have answered those texts from you that lonely night in November… Look where it got me now? Again…

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My mind has been racing trying to understand why you would do this to me again?

I allowed you to break me again… I don’t know why I am so stupid when it comes to you. You use my love for you and yet there are no consequences because I’m sure you lie if anyone ever asks about me or pretend I don’t exist at all.

I mean, I know why you would every possible scenario has run through my head from you and ‘her’ were not speaking, she was ignoring you, she was hanging out with her boyfriend (that one makes me giggle, she has a fucking boyfriend, lol), you were feeling down and out, you maybe actually missed me, you were drunk (which you were one night but what is your excuse for the sober text/calls/you know..?), you really meant it when you spent years begging me to believe in your forever love, any so many else…

I get all the reasons as to why you would call and want to spend time with me, what I don’t get is why beg to hold me? Why express such sadness and loss for our love, why try to convince me to forgive you, why call me in the morning, why end our conversations with I love you, why tell me how you haven’t spoke to her in a long time and realized how much you need me, why ask me about how much I missed you, why, why, why?!?!?!?!

Do you truly want to see how far I go before I break? How far is too far for you?

Do you think you’re the only who thinks about ending it?

Do you think you are the only one who doesn’t beg for an end to the eternal pain?

Do you not know that every fucking breath I have taken since that night in July has felt like daggers down in lungs?

Do you know how many sleepless nights I have spent begging for the darkness to take me so that I don’t have to wake up and face another day without the one who promised me forever?

Do you care that after 6 fucking months of waking up screaming for you I had finally slept a few dreamless nights without you, finally, but after your nights of loving and holding me I haven’t slept at all?

Do you care that I have spent years of my life falling in love with you and have only had months to get used to the idea that 1. You don’t want that love anymore 2. You are already in love with someone else, who you apparently forgot to tell her that I even existed 3. Had fallen in love with said person while (and you were working together, who btw is half your age, has a boyfriend, lives hours away at college, and as of a few days ago was nothing to you just like the years that we spent together are nothing now) you were still trying to convince me that you were in love with me 4 when you got caught you immediately acted like our love was nothing an I was a crazy axe murdering ex 5. you broke my fucking soul 6. I have a lifetime to live without you.

I have been trying to process all of that and have done an okay job because I am still fucking here alive and, barely, breathing. I have had moments of darkness that I won’t even write here because I don’t want to remember them, I have had moments of weakness and heartache that has brought me to my knees, I have cried until I literally have nothing to cry- no voice, no tears, no strength, I have begged to gods that I don’t even know if I believe in, but never once did I think I would do all of this for you to come in and play your game for a few weeks, spew some lies, break some more promises, and take the tiny bit of light that I had left and then turn your back on me and go back to her…

Never did I think that.

And that is all I can assume btw… Is that for some reason you and her were having a ‘moment’ and you came to me because you were lonely and horny and you knew that my love was a sure thing…

You disgust me.

The way that you use my love and lie to and about me, it makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn. I loved you. I thought we were going to spend forever together. I was willing to give up things and sacrifice things I never thought I would because I believed in a love you lie and diminish to nothing. I was going to do all of these things and so much more for you, for someone who would treat me the way you did that terrible night in July only to come back months later profess love, whisper promises, make love, and then leave with a ‘it went too far’….

Did you know that everyfuckingtime you say you love me I believe you?

Do you know that everyfuckingtime I say it I mean it? EVERYTIME!!

Do you care how long it took me to come the little bit that I have without you only for you to swoop in for a few days to mind fuck me and then leave with nothing.. well nothing but a text saying, I just wanted to say hi I’m sorry it went to far…

What the fuck does that even mean?

You wanted to say hi but you took it too far by weeks?

Does that really mean that someone called you out on talking to me again?

Did you lie about me again? Did you say that I am nothing and no one, that we barely talk and sometimes text? But do you tell them when we do text and talk it’s because you contact me, and the things you say are only things you would say and do with a lover? Do you take any accountabilty for the love you supposedly have for me?

I didn’t think so.

But if you can put on this act that you were so madly in love with me for so many years I’m pretty sure you can convince some teenager that you’re love is everlasting and you are nothing but faithful and you can’t live without her and you would give up so much for her and because of her.

I wonder if when she denies you she gets the texts and voicemails about how you are going to end it, how you have the ‘tools’ ready? Because the few times you thought I was denying or I actually did you were quick to send how you nothing was worth it and you were ready to end it. Why would you do that to me?

Do you mind fuck her the way you do me?

Or do you just straight out lie to her?

I will never get the answers to my questions….and even if I do all the answers you give are LIES.

Baby you’re no good for me… But baby I want you, I want you.

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Do you ever have the kind of night where no matter what you do/read/watch/listen to there is no distracting your mind, the kind of night when you find yourself looking at the numbers on the clock slowly passing until its no longer night but has somehow turned to dawn.

Last night was one of those nights.

I literally spent the night reading/pacing the house/crying/sobbing until the clock read past 7 am and I was finally , due to the kindle battery dying, forced to sleep because exhaustion finally settled in.

I slept for about 3 hours before I woke again.

To repeat pretty much the same process all over again, distracting my thoughts and wasting time until night fell and I could spend the hours repeating this nightmare.

I don’t think I will ever be over US.

I don’t think I will ever not feel the loss of our love like an ache in my bones.

I’ll never fall sleep without wondering if your sleeping next to someone else.

I fear you will always be my last thought at night and my first in the morning.

I have come to accept it.

I have learned how to survive with emptiness in my soul.

And I hate every fucking second of it.

I somehow survived almost a half of a year without you, and it’s drained the little life that I had left from me.

I started this days ago, like most things I write now.

I am writing now because I might lose it if I don’t. How do I describe the things that I am feeling?

Do I describe them? Or do I just ignore them and pretend like I’m not feeling anything? That is probably what I should do, I should ignore the fire that is streaking through my core.

But I can’t.

I’ve never been able to ignore anything about you, or US. So why start now?

I’m going to claim it.

I feel like my soul has huge gaping wounds that are oozing and feel on fire. I did it to myself. I allowed you in and I am taking full responsibility for all the terrible I feel.

But does it make the terrible hurt any less?

Of course fucking not.

It’s such a scary hurt now. It’s a hollow/empty ache from the core of my being. There is a heaviness in my chest that makes breathing difficult. The emptiness in my soul makes the beating of my heart feel like it’s an echo in a canyon.

The difference is there are no questions racking around. I have all the answers I need in the actions and words from the last few interactions.

I will never be more than a way to fill your time.

And you will forever own a piece of my soul.

I don’t even know how to title anymore because I don’t even remember what I just wrote… And this was written days ago so that doesn’t help either. It’s Sunday, I think I know that much.

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I tried to write about this right after but the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and everyfuckingthing else was too jumbled.

I’m finding it hard to catch my breath just thinking about it. My heart is racing and my toes are tingling. I still haven’t quite processed it. I’m trying not to over think anything. I’ve barely allowed myself to think of it at all.

But my soul knows.

What I am over thinking is what to write, so nothing is coming out correct.

I’m trying to censor my feelings and it’s not working.

So here goes.

Every word you spoke was like a lashing to my soul, ripping through it leaving gaping, oozing wounds behind. Each ‘baby’ that was whispered tore into me like hot knives, stabbing my already broken self. When you spoke of missing US tiny pieces of me fell silently to the floor, crumbling like an old sand castle. But the cincher? Oh, that belongs to you whispering how much you love me. When those words were spoke it was like a flash incineration, leaving nothing in it’s wake but falling ash.

But the amazing that I felt… the amazing made all of that worth it.

Because for a few minutes my soul felt you.

You’re something we’ll never forget.

It took me a few minutes to relax, to stop fighting it. I had to focus on your voice, I had to just listen to the words being spoken instead of hearing the words that were being said. Soon enough the words being said were heard loud and clear and the nerves disappeared. If I allowed myself to be present in this moment only and not think about any past moments or dream of any future I was okay. It wasn’t until you whispered about missing US and asking how much I missed you that I started freaking out again. I needed to only be in this moment right here with you I couldn’t think about anything else between US, it brought on panic and fear. ..

Writing about US used to be so easy.

Now it only reminds me of what I have to live a lifetime without.

I’m sorry if I made the magic of today more than it was but it’s been so long since my soul felt anything that the evidence today that there may still be a chance for my soul is too much not too write about.

For the little while that we spent together it was easy to remember why my soul so desperately needs you, because you feel like home.

And that is more terrifying than anything because you are not something that I get to keep anymore.

And just like that the darkness, so easily, begins to set in again and the tiny flicker of hope in my soul dies out…

I’m not afraid… I’m terrified, and for good reason.

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I’ve made very poor decisions where you’re concerned lately and I’m paying the price.

I was weak and stupid to fall for your games again.

But I have spent so many sleepless nights without you that it was so so so so very easy to fall into the fakeness of US, too fucking easy.

I thought it was going okay at first, I was able to maintain as long as we kept everything in the present, here today right this second. If you started talking about missing US or what we used to be I had to shut it down immediately, there was no way I could handle that, but as long as we focused only on the right now I was okay (and I usually the term okay loosely).

But then after a few days of okay I slipped easily back into our old ways, your whispers were too easy to fall into, you knew exactly the right things with your late night flirting and phone calls. You answered when I called you for the first time in over a year. You sent funny sexy messages throughout the day.

And then at the worst possible time you dropped it….

You called me by her name, ‘$&#!@ (insert fucking your new love’s name here) come home to me, come home to me…’ and my whole fucking world shattered, the tiny pieces of hope that remained for our love disappeared in a flash, like a a nuclear war bomb was dropped and incinerated everything US that had survived the first terrible attack on US. Gone.

The breath and life was sucked from me the instant the words slipped from your mouth.

Time stopped.

My heart stopped.

But the words coming from your mouth didn’t stop.

I’ve been numb since.

I don’t know how to stop the words from playing over and over in my head. I can’t stop the words you whispered from screaming over and over.Your frantic pleas to her, completely lost in the lust that you have for her not even realizing that I existed let alone that I was the person with you NOT HER!!

I know now there is no way anyone could ever hurt me anymore than I am now. I find an odd comfort knowing that I can’t be anymore broken, no one can hurt me now because there is absolutely nothing left of me.

You took everything from me.

You have left me with nothing.

Well nothing but the truth that I was never what you wanted; that I was never going to be your forever.

And that hurt will last my lifetime.

A love everlasting… just my fcking luck.

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I have tried to write many times but everything is always so jumbled that I can hardly stay on one subject long enough to make sense. So I usually give up on that post and then when I’m in the mood to write again I just start another, I rarely go back to old writings and rewrite it feels to fake for me.

Anywhoo…

I would love to write about how fixed I am.

I wish I was able to paint a beautiful picture of happy ever after and butterflies.

But that just doesn’t exist anymore.

There is no happy ever after.

Heartache and brokenness is what there is.

I can go longer stretcher of time without falling to the ground with sadness. I can carry on a conversation and remain focus and an active part of it, most of the time. I can listen to music without it feeling like it’s tearing into my soul.

I still can’t sleep without you. I still don’t feel anything without you. I still long for your touch and crave your love. I still wake up screaming in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face, my heart racing, and my soul aching. It has taken me a long time to not reach out to you in some way after an episode like that. I have had a few instances where the hurt and sadness is too much and so in my moment of weakness I have reached out but they are nothing like the 1,293,234,212 messages I would send a day. I have only called once or twice in almost half of a year and then it was only out of panic because I forgot what your voice sounded like and I scrambled to dial your number and listen to your voicemail pick up.

Yea, I’m just as pathetically in love with you as ever.

I’m just better at living with the truth that we will never be US again.

It’s been one of the biggest adjustments of my life learning to accept that no matter how bad I want and love US there is nothing anyone can do to fix US.

I wish I could write about how all of these months without every day it was easier and easier but that would complete bullshit.

I feel totally opposite. I think that each day that has passed has hurt more than the last. Each day that I have lived since you walked away has sadly taken me one step farther away from the love that I thought would last a lifetime. Every night I have to lay my head down on a pillow knowing that you are choosing to lay yours down next to someone else. Every breath is a reminder that you’re not mine.

There has been nothing good or better from the days/weeks/months that you have been gone.

I no longer believe that time heals all.

I believe that time only numbs you from the hurt I will eternally feel in depths of my soul from the loss of you.

Nothing will ever take that away.

There is not enough time in existence to take away the hurt I will forever feel without you.

I will always long to be wrapped in your love. I will forever fall to exhaustion (sleep you might call it) hoping to meet you in my dreams where I know that the love of US will always live. Your voice whispering sweet nothings and naughty promises will always be something I wish of. Not being able to look up and see you with your bright blue eyes and your bigger than life smile will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I truly believe that the love of US will never fade.

And neither will the hurt.