A love everlasting… just my fcking luck.

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I have tried to write many times but everything is always so jumbled that I can hardly stay on one subject long enough to make sense. So I usually give up on that post and then when I’m in the mood to write again I just start another, I rarely go back to old writings and rewrite it feels to fake for me.

Anywhoo…

I would love to write about how fixed I am.

I wish I was able to paint a beautiful picture of happy ever after and butterflies.

But that just doesn’t exist anymore.

There is no happy ever after.

Heartache and brokenness is what there is.

I can go longer stretcher of time without falling to the ground with sadness. I can carry on a conversation and remain focus and an active part of it, most of the time. I can listen to music without it feeling like it’s tearing into my soul.

I still can’t sleep without you. I still don’t feel anything without you. I still long for your touch and crave your love. I still wake up screaming in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face, my heart racing, and my soul aching. It has taken me a long time to not reach out to you in some way after an episode like that. I have had a few instances where the hurt and sadness is too much and so in my moment of weakness I have reached out but they are nothing like the 1,293,234,212 messages I would send a day. I have only called once or twice in almost half of a year and then it was only out of panic because I forgot what your voice sounded like and I scrambled to dial your number and listen to your voicemail pick up.

Yea, I’m just as pathetically in love with you as ever.

I’m just better at living with the truth that we will never be US again.

It’s been one of the biggest adjustments of my life learning to accept that no matter how bad I want and love US there is nothing anyone can do to fix US.

I wish I could write about how all of these months without every day it was easier and easier but that would complete bullshit.

I feel totally opposite. I think that each day that has passed has hurt more than the last. Each day that I have lived since you walked away has sadly taken me one step farther away from the love that I thought would last a lifetime. Every night I have to lay my head down on a pillow knowing that you are choosing to lay yours down next to someone else. Every breath is a reminder that you’re not mine.

There has been nothing good or better from the days/weeks/months that you have been gone.

I no longer believe that time heals all.

I believe that time only numbs you from the hurt I will eternally feel in depths of my soul from the loss of you.

Nothing will ever take that away.

There is not enough time in existence to take away the hurt I will forever feel without you.

I will always long to be wrapped in your love. I will forever fall to exhaustion (sleep you might call it) hoping to meet you in my dreams where I know that the love of US will always live. Your voice whispering sweet nothings and naughty promises will always be something I wish of. Not being able to look up and see you with your bright blue eyes and your bigger than life smile will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I truly believe that the love of US will never fade.

And neither will the hurt.

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1 Comment

  1. Wow! Love it! Check out my posts 🙂

    Reply

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