I can’t even look at my eyes in the mirror anymore without thinking about how much you said you loved them… Or was that a lie too?

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I have more unfinished posts than I’d like to admit but so many of the recent ones are full of anger and sorrow that I don’t want to post them. Maybe I will at some point compile them into one post but that would require me to read them a bit and I don’t read after I write and the few times I have read I don’t even remember writing the words but I can almost always remember the feelings…. sidetracked.

I think where I was going with this is that even though there are times when I am filled with so much dislike and anger for you, but then… then there are times when there isn’t enough anger or dislike in the world to mask the hurt and sadness I feel from the loss of you, like now. I am so sad thinking about how I was stupid to even think that there was a possibility of you really being the man I fell in love with. I knew then and I know now that’s never going to be a possibility. Does that stop or lessen the hurt or longing for you? Not one bit. I don’t know if anything ever will.

I have been thinking about so much again when it comes to you and I, love, relationships, soul mates, and everyfuckingthing else, I have enough time since I don’t sleep anymore, I thought I had gotten past this. I thought I was beyond all of the panic attacks, night terrors, screaming/crying, and all of the other darkness that comes with the loss of you but since you decided to come in and treat me worse than before I have regressed more than I’d like to admit. I have been clingy, weak, and pathetic. I am not proud to admit that I had to stop myself from sending texts, although I’m sure you wouldn’t call that stopping myself… trust me when I say I did, I could have text you a novel, several times over, but I didn’t so I consider that stopping myself. It took me a bit to realize that I was begging for your love again, you had given me just enough attention to suck me back in, you turned on just enough charm and knew all the right things to say (why wouldn’t you though since I ou have spent the last 3 years baring my soul to you) and the flirty little words to whisper. And I fell for it. For every word. Every. Fucking. Word. I had my doubts of course, but I could only remember the good in you at that time and all the good I was kinda feeling at the time won out.

Plus I didn’t want to let myself think that there was anyway that you would do the same thing to me again. I mean, there was no reason to. We weren’t together, you had left me for another chick, I knew about her, there was no fucking reason for you to lie to me about anything. And yet you still did. Even after I gave you every opportunity to be honest you chose to continue to be fake and lie and say that you were over her and hadn’t talked in weeks, you realized how much you missed me, you wished you could have me back, I told you how broken I was, I told you how there was no need for false promises or fake words because I had no wants, the baby’s and I love you’s that you were throwing out were only welcomed if they were true and from the heart and yet you still continued, the only thing I asked of you over and over was to not hurt me, to not fill me full of empty promises, please don’t hurt me… you cried to me and promised. You begged me to make love with you.. why? why would you come back only to break me more? Did you really think that I would survive you turning your back on me again? Or is it that you truly don’t care about me?

You get so mad when I question your love for me. You get pissed off and angry that I would ever doubt that what you said was true but then you do things like this to me. You act like I’m nothing. You forget that I’m a person, with a real soul. I might just be a video call to you but I truly exist. I am as real as she is and if you wouldn’t treat her like this then you shouldn’t treat me like this because I am no less important on this earth than she is. You don’t have to love me, I understand that the soul loves who it loves, I don’t fault you for that, it’s the way you treat me that is wrong. Don’t love me, don’t ever think about me again that is fine but don’t knowingly do hurtful things to me. I deserve better than that, any person does.

I had to take a break from writing for a bit and just reset before I let myself get too carried away down the path of darkness. I realized that the only person that is hurting from this is me and I am choosing to not give you that much power over me anymore.

I have spent my fair share time thinking of how I could get my revenge on you, how could I hurt you the most? After many hours I have finally realized that the best revenge I could ever get on you… is to find my happy again, find the me that I was when I was most in love with you and try to be her again. I will allow myself to be broken/hurt/sad and whatever else I need to deal with the loss of you but then I need to let you go, forever, and then allow myself to heal. I need to keep reminding myself that I am worth the love that I thought I shared with you, I need to accept that I am capable of loving someone else with the same depth of love that I had for you because just because it wasn’t good enough for that doesn’t mean that it won’t be good enough for someone else. I need to stop comparing everything to you, I need to stop trying to compete with the love that I thought you had for me and realize that there is a beautiful love story waiting to be written for me, I just need to be ready to write it. And I’m not yet. But I can be. I will be.

Someday my fairytale will begin, my soul will heal and there will be a new cast of characters that will somehow not include you.

But you see… that is the hardest thing for me to accept.. how the fuck does my story not include you?!?!

You were supposed to be my life so how are you not a part of my story?

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