Just because it’s gone don’t mean you don’t miss it.

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I told myself that I could have the rest of 2014 to grieve the loss of US and that was it. No longer would I allow myself to wallow in the loneliness without you. I vowed to not bring any of the sadness and ugly into 2015. I told myself that I had to get all of the yucky out before the clock struck midnight and then it could no longer be mentioned.

But I didn’t give myself the time to sit down and get any of it out. I did everything I could to avoid WordPress because the anxiety I had about even attempting to write another goodbye too much.

And now I remember that it doesn’t matter if I don’t want the hurt/sadnes \s/longing/ache or not because it is here to stay. There is nothing that will ever take away or fill the hole that I feel where US used to live. No one will ever take the place that you filled in my soul, it’s not possible, we connected in a way that was unlike anything earthly imaginable and although I can only hope I don’t die a lonely cat lady I know that if I do find someone else nothing will ever compare to what we had.

I started this last night and had to stop myself because that is all I can do right now is to just shut down and stop and not let any of the ugly out, that’s what I have to do now, ignore anything and everything about you. I don’t think I will ever move on if I don’t. I’ll never be able to allow the hurt and ache heal if I constantly hold onto all of the bad of US and none of the good. I I need to allow myself to remember that all the hurt I feel from the loss of you just means that I am able to love so deeply, and that I will be able to love someone else just as deep again.

And if that were to happen again I can only hope that if forever is ever promised it will be a promise that is kept.

But I will never know if I continue to push away every person who tries to love me.

And that is exactly what I am doing.

Pushing away anything that might make me feel something because I feel unfaithful to someone who was never faithful to me.

ah… snicklefritz.

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1 Comment

  1. it took me 4 years to get to a stage in which i can breathe. it hurts. it hurt like hell. i keep them in a special place inside – like a locked room (metaphorically ha!) – & this year i’m trying not to take a peak inside. that’s the way i survive at the moment. i only know it takes time. x & thanks for putting the TS track on here! – you get an extra big hugg for that! 😉 🙂 😛

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