Only know your lover when you let her go… And you let her go.


I feel like missing you tonight.

I feel like putting on Our playlist and letting the tears for you flow. Because I miss you. I miss so fucking much about you. I miss how you were so good at pretending you cared about me. You were so good at making me feel so much fucking love it was overwhelming at times.

So how in the fuck are you gone?!?!?!?!

The only thing I can wonder is if you are doing and saying the exact same things to her?

Do you call her Princess or Beautiful?!?! Or worse fucking yet Pretty Eyes? That one makes me puke in my mouth if you call her that.

Do you vow to be her everything?

Do you stay up late telling her she’s on your mind?

Do you remember spending the last 4 years doing and telling me the same. DOes she know that you did all those things and so many fucking more with me?

I’m trying to remind myself that it doesnt matter. That you doing all those things with her only solidifies that I was right when I said that you were fake with me and that you are being just as fake with her.

I sometimes find sick comfort in the fact that she has a boyfriend and is half your age. I bet she has to ask her mom if she can come over to spend the night or if she can come over at all. Oh thanks for that I needed a little giggle to stop the tears that were falling.

I can only find comfort in the fact that moving on and letting go of you and all of the phony that was US, and only take the good away, is the best thing for me.

I will never be able to move on if I continue to hold any sort of feeling for you good or bad. And I need to. It has been over a year now since you left and I have pushed away anybody who tried to get close, don’t get me wrong there wasn’t any huge line but there were a few. Thankfully one of them is not letting me him away no matter how hard I’ve tried and I need to stop trying. I want to stop trying. I want to just quit putting up the fight and let whatever be. But I can’t. Well I couldn’t until now I think.

Anyways whatever that is doesn’t belong here I was simply stating that I have finally fully let you go like you have me. It has taken more moons than I would like to admit but the moon has come. You are no longer mine. I officially let you go. I wish more than anything that with those words came more than just this terrible deep ache in my soul but they don’t. I don’t feel any different. I was hoping all of the hurt and ugly would be gone but I guess I will forever carry that. I will forever miss you. I will always love you from the very depths of my soul. Nothing or anyone will ever compare to what we made. I will spend forever stopping myself from thinking of you but I will always wish you well. I’m sorry that this is how we ended. I’m sorry that we weren’t strong enough to actually be there for each other in the end. I’m sorry that we weren’t able to even salvage a friendship out of US. I think that might hurt the most… you didn’t even care about me enough to be friends.

I have to stop.

I have to let you go.

But I never will. I will carry the love I have for you forever. I will find a way to live with the hurt from the loss of you.

I’m sorry.

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