So apparently all is only good until I tap into any sort of real memory of you or US, then all bets are off and there is no stopping the hurt… Looks like we’re riding this one out, yay.

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How come when you told me forever it was bullshit but somehow I’m supposed to believe when you tell her forever you mean it?

Why is it different?

Why?

Why why why why why why why why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me.

How am I supposed to accept that?

Why can’t I accept that?

At least I’m not struggle to write/breathe/see ect all through tears because usually that is how a post like this would go. But now, well now I only want the answers I don’t have the longing to fix US like I used to. I have at least finally accepted the fact that there isn’t now and is never going to be an US, and that was a hard fucking one to accept. I literally fought accepting that one tooth and nail, I was determined to not let the love that you and I made go, but somehow in all these moons I have found some sort of sick peace with it.

I don’t think that means now or ever will mean that I am okay with the loss of US but no longer am I paralyzed by the fear and hurt of the loss.

I will forever miss your baby blues, your whispers, your smile, your love, your soul, your naughty, your nice, your recipe advice, your laugh, your passion, your caring, your words, your promises, your love of video games, your drunken late night calls. I will always remember the way your whole face would light up in smile when our eyes would meet and the way I felt it in my soul.

Okay I have to stop now because the tears have somehow found their way back and I have to stop before the reminder of what was or could have been breaks me, again.

Started writing this 22 hours ago. . At least that’s what the Draft said.

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The ‘okay’ is still holding on. I think I just might be accepting the loss of you, finally. I have been ‘slapped in the face’ with some pretty ugly truths about you and her recently (I’m pretty sure the universe hates me) and I have not shed one tear. It may be that I have shed all the tears that I could for you but I believe it has more to do with my soul accepting you’re not ours anymore.

I would be lying if I said that it didn’t still hurt but I was not paralyzed by it, albeit a little disgusted okay a LOT disgusted but other than that there was no emotion attached to you. I am starting to slowly piece together the person you are and I am so thankful I am able to see the full you before it was too late. Thankfully I didn’t marry you before I found out how full of shit you are.

I don’t want to turn this into a hate/anger blog because I honestly don’t want to waste anymore energy on you. You know all the terrible shitty things you did to me. You know how you lied and used me for years. You know the words you said and the promises you made, they came out of your fucking mouth or were typed from your fingers.

And most of all you know how I loved all of you, all of the good the bad and the ugly. You were my forever. I loved you at your darkest. And always would have.

But it’s whatever now.

None of that matters.

It is what it is. And it’s in the past.

And I will not let my past define my future..

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The love I had for you was unreal. I have never felt another love like it. It was comparable to the love that I have for my littles and that scares me because I love them more than I love myself.

Which is probably why I was so broken when you left.

I read at night when I can’t sleep and I have turned to reading articles/blogs/books about love and loss.

I lost you.

When you left the man I knew and fell in love with died. He was no longer. And it has taken me way too fucking long to let it go. But I am slowly accepting that I will love again, without you. I am kinda starting to be able to breathe again without struggling. I think of you less and less. I don’t feel butterflies and tingles when I see of picture of you anymore. If I see a pic I barely recognize the man looking back because I don’t know this new you and there is hardly anything ‘you’ that remains. If it weren’t for your baby blues I would be convinced it wasn’t you but I would know your eyes anywhere, I’ll never forget them.

I’m sure that you have long forgotten any and everything me but for the first time that thought doesn’t hurt me deep in my core like it used too. Now I am able to just be okay with you moving on. I know the hurt is still there, it will be forever, but I am able to move freely and not be paralyzed by it.

I don’t know if this is real but I hope that it remains.

I hope I am able to keep accepting and moving on from the loss of US.

No title again… Writing took all I had tonight, and I don’t have much.

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I haven’t been feeling good things about you lately. . I chalked it up to me moving through the stages of grief and thought that any moment the pain and love would rush back in and hit me… but that hasn’t happened.

Yet.

Will it?

I honestly don’t think it will.

I have accepted so much lately, about US/me/life.

I have finally accepted you and I will never be again.

I am sad.

It hurts.

But it doesn’t bring me to my knees.

I took a shower tonight and didn’t cry for you.

I had a ‘moment’ the other day and you were not the first person I thought to run to, I didn’t even think of you at all actually.

I know now that the love that I had for you will always remain but it will not rule my life any longer. I won’t sit back and watch life, and you, pass me by.

I am going to grasp life and live it to the fullest.

I am going to do things that I have been scared to in the past.

I am not going to let the love that I had for you ruin the love that I have left to give.

I’m sad that you won’t be around to see or feel any of the love/life that is going to happen. I truly thought you were going to always be there for me. I never would have imagined a life without you. I always thought if anything were to ever happen to US it would be something out of our control but we would still always be a part of each others lives and support one and other.

I guess I am more sad by the fact that you don’t care about me more than the fact that you didn’t love me.

But I get to sleep peaceful at night, finally, knowing that everything I ever give/said/did/felt/meant for US was 100% real/honest/true and most importantly for you and only you; never did I give someone something that was meant for you. I have, and never will, share the tiny things between you and I that mean more than world to US but would mean nothing to anyone else (ex: Rawr, queen of the damned, moon, dorkfish, pretty eyes, pumpkin, T-Swift songs that meant things to you and I, sayings we only said to each other… you get the idea I’m sure).

But can you say the same?

I don’t think you can.

Actually.. I know you can’t.

Because you have already done and said so many things that were untrue or false to both her and I.

But I am not here to bring up hurt feelings about how much of US you gave to her with complete disregard to how it would break me, I am here to remind myself to let it go. I need to keep reminding myself that I am okay without you and I will only continue to get better.

Rawr… for old times sakes.

Made it through Saturday, you might call it Valentine’s Day. . That’s a day for lovers; no lovers here.

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I made it thru valentine’s day without you.  I can’t stop thinking about the Twilight Woods body stuff you got me and if you still have it. Do you smell it and think of me?  I think of you almost every time i spray it and i wear it daily. . It’s the only thing I’ve worn for years now. Did you get sick of looking at it and empty the lotion out? Or did you keep it and give or to someone else?

You wouldn’t would you? Of course you would. You gave the love you promised me to someone else why not give her my body lotion. .

Ugh…

I’m so sad. 

I have been fighting looking at your Facebook to see if you’ve posted any new videos, it’s all i see on your page due to my rage filled unfriend, not my proudest moment, but i won’t key myself look. I’m terrified of what I’ll see.

You and her madly in love I’m sure and there is no way i could handle that.

Yuck.

Forever tortured.

Sometimes my hands shake and my mind races. . And sometimes I feel nothing at all.

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I don’t want to hurt anymore.

Please take it away. Make it stop. I need a break. I’m not as strong as someone should be to survive this.

I don’t want to survive anymore.

Wordless Wednesdayseems like word-vomit Wednesday… Whoopsie.

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I am literally sitting here listening to Pandora play the screams from my soul while I attempt to write because in the past that is one of the few things that saved me. But I am not feeling so ‘saved’ anymore when I write, at least when I write here. I am feeling extra whiney and needy and unwanted, obviously, and I don’t really know why I continue to write to you/about you. I am more than convinced that you are so far healed and beyond me that I can’t even see the shadow of you in the distance anymore, but still I continue to pour my love and what is left of my soul out to you.

I continue to write to you as if you are reading and care.

I don’t know what is wrong with me.

If I continue to write to you is it making letting go of you harder? Or is writing to you my way of ‘letting you go’?

I’m so confused I don’t know what to do so I will just continue to write you out of my soul like I have been.

I will continue to let you slowly leave my life through my writings while I search for myself at the same time.

I know someday I too will be like you and have a new love to write about/love/fuck/kiss/hold/want/need. Someday I will not wake up feeling like I can’t catch my breath with the heaviest ache in my soul you could ever imagine. I mean seriously? Do I have to still feel like I am so lost without you after all this time? Do you think I want to feel this misery? Do you think I don’t wish every second of every day that I could walk away from any and everything US and not look back like you have? Of course I don’t want to hurt and love and want and need someone who doesn’t care about me or want me or love me or need me. I don’t think anyone ever wants that.

But that is what I am stuck with.

An undying love.

I am so scared for when this love does truly die out because I know I will never find something like it.

And that terrifies me more than not feeling anything ever again.

What if I gave you all the love I have and I don’t ever find it again?

What happens then?

What do you care? You’re in love. You’re not lonely and hurting and wondering what you could have done differently. You’re not questioning why the one time you truly believed in love how it could have ended this way. You’re not the one who cries themselves to sleep at night begging for darkness, no dreams because you are always in them and they quickly turn to nightmares.

No. That’s not how you spend your time at all.

You spend it with someone new. Telling them all the amazing things you used to tell me. That’s one of the hardest things about all of this. I know exactly what youre fucking saying and doing with her… because you spent the last 3 years doing the exact fucking same thing to me!!!

Why did I fall for it?

Why did my soul choose you to be forever?

Fucking fuck.

I gotta stay high all the time. . To keep you off my mind.

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Don’t judge.

Have You?

Make you a better man. .

Some nights getting personal is what I do best. . . Sorry I’m not sorry.

if love again

You have ruined orgasms for me.
I don’t know how to type too much without being TMI but before you orgasms, I thought, were fantastic sometimes border lining on amazing.
Then my soul met you and orgasms were one in a long list of many things that were forever changed.
Tonight I’m talking about the orgasms.
You’ve been gone for so many moons I have lost count.
I have had quite a few orgasms since that terrible day in the summer; some of them with you most of them without.
I have had orgasms by myself.
I have had orgasms for others.
I have had orgasms with others.
I have had orgasms with new lovers.
I have had orgasms with old lovers.
And then I have had orgasms with you.
And nothing compares.
It has nothing to do with the sex either.
It has any and everything to do with the way we connected on every level. When we were ‘together’ it was like every cell in our bodies was connected to the other person. When you whispered in my ear I felt it all the way down to the soles of my feet. When we would orgasm I felt it in every sense of my being, physical/emotional/mental. My body and soul respond and connect to you in a way that I don’t think it’s capable of doing with any other; at least not for a very, very, very long time.
Did I get too personal tonight?
I’m sorry.
No I’m not.
This is my place.
Personal is my thing.
I am sorry that I wont be connecting with you in those ways anymore. I’m saddened that you now have connected with someone else in these ways. Just typing it makes my skin crawl, my nose burn, the tears well in my eyes, and my heart is racing.
I will never get over the love you have for anyone else.
How the fucking fuck did you get over this love?
The only thing I can think of is you got over it because you never felt it on the level I did. That is the only explanation possible. Because if you did then there is no fucking way you would let anything come between it.
Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
And I still don’t feel any better.
I’m off to eat sushi and watch the Labyrinth.
I’ll wallow in my sorrow with Hoggle. He makes me feel a little bit better.