Soul-less…

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Good things must be happening for you. I can tell because the ache in my soul is constant. You have been racing through my thoughts/dreams/nightmares at a rapid pace. I can’t escape you. You haunt my every move.

I can only assume it’s my souls way of trying to hang on to you. I have decided that you must be completely letting me go and my soul can feel it. It’s crushing and comforting at the same time. Whatever it was that you thought was worth more than US just might be turning out to be just that. That tears me a part and eases the hurt knowing that if that is truly the case then you truly never were meant to be mine and that I can literally grieve for you forever but you won’t be coming back. And that somehow gives me some sick comfort knowing that I didn’t have to make the decision to not try anymore because the decision was made for me. You have to live with knowing you walked away for something ‘better’. I get to live knowing I tried like crazy for something I believed in and there was literally nothing else I could do. I had exhausted all of my options when it came to US.

I couldn’t show possibly do anything to say or show you how much I loved you because I had done and said it all.

I pushed any and everything away for a love that I truly thought was worth it.

I loved and believed with every ounce of my being.

And I think I loved US to death.

So now I am sitting here with an ache in my soul, silently screaming out for something that will never be mine.

I’m so afraid to let this love go. The love that I have shared here feels like home. What if I truly let it go and I am never able to find a love like it again? What if I mistakenly gave all the love I had here and wasted it on something that was not real and now I don’t have anything left to give anyone else? Or worse what if I never find anyone who even wants my love?

I’m going back to bed.

Wake me never.

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2 Comments

  1. I randomly stumbled over your blog, and I’m glad I did. Your entries remind me of the sorrow, questions and heartache I suffered and sometimes still feel from my last relationship. It devastated me. The loss of love being torn from you and the weight of its darkness that fill your existence-I know it so well. The cliche thing to tell you is that it all gets better and those feelings all goes away. It does get better and easier, but the feelings never go away completely. You will find love again, I promise you that! There will be days when you will go all day without thinking of him and he’s only a distant memory. And some days where everything you see, hear, smell and touch reminds you of him. I still feel him (my ex) in my bones; some days they ache, and I still see him in my dreams. And I too keep a journal like this where I pour the contents of my aching soul.

    I want to give you hope that you will love again. Moon will always be a part of you. The love you felt for him is a love you never truly forget. There is something beautiful that is found in brokenness. A nakedness of understanding and feeling that is so raw. And the person that’s created out of that is more beautiful and stronger than ever, and the love you will be able to offer after this will not be fickle and it will be beautiful beyond comprehension. Stay strong, and know that there are others who know your words and have felt your sorrow and offer you hope.

    Reply

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