I started this days ago… I’m just now barely able to post it. I’m always just barely breathing.

life moves on

I can’t breathe. I’m writing to try to survive. I am stupid. I was super weak this morning. I am sorry. I have spent over a year now on very little sleep. I looked you up on Facebook. I haven’t in so long. I didn’t even know what I would be able to see since we aren’t ‘friends’ anymore. I was able to see more than I wish I had. I can’t believe you posted a song that has been haunting me for days. You posted it days after it had made it’s presence known over here. I posted it before even thinking about ‘looking for you’.

The breath stealer/heart wrencher/soul crusher? In case all of that isn’t fucking enough. I was also able to see how lovey dovey you and her are. I was able to witness the ‘love’ you guys have. I had to rush to the bathroom to puke. Literally. I have first hand proof that I don’t exist in your world anymore. I am barely a distant memory to you. Everything I gave you was for fucking nothing because you are over and done with any and everything me. I have memories haunting my every move. You exist in almost everything I do.

I have to stop it.

I have to find a way to get rid of you.

Writing to you here is not helping. I have to stop.

I have made a new blog. A blog where US doesn’t exist. The only US that does exist there are tiny little bits and pieces of what once was.

I have to let you go.

I can’t continue to come running to you, even if it’s only in writing, if I want to move on. I don’t feel right even thinking about writing about someone else here and I know that at some point I will have a ‘someone’ else to write about. I mean there has to be more to my story than just US. My story can’t end here. Right? You were just a chapter in my book of life. I thought you were ‘the book’ but I realize now you were simply a few very important chapters to my book as a whole, not my whole book. Silly girl. How easily it was to not see the whole picture until it was too late. Perhaps had I looked at our story in other ways the outcome would be different but it doesn’t matter now.

I guess the story of US has finally come to an end.

It sickens me.

It makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn.

I can’t breathe and don’t think I really want to anymore.

I miss loving you so much already. I missed loving you before. I will miss loving you for always.

I’m so sorry that this is the way that our story ended. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize sooner the mess we were becoming.

I’m not sorry for loving you.

I will never be sorry for that.

Loving you was one of the best things I have ever done.

I hope someone else will be able to love you even better than I was able to someday.

I hope that no matter what at the end of the day you are the man your mom would be proud of and that you show Little Man how to be that man.

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1 Comment

  1. pippa

     /  February 7, 2015

    I wish I could help you with this. I am feeling your pain. I think it will get better with time, I hope it does. That cliche is all I can offer, I’m sorry.

    Reply

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