Wordless Wednesdayseems like word-vomit Wednesday… Whoopsie.

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I am literally sitting here listening to Pandora play the screams from my soul while I attempt to write because in the past that is one of the few things that saved me. But I am not feeling so ‘saved’ anymore when I write, at least when I write here. I am feeling extra whiney and needy and unwanted, obviously, and I don’t really know why I continue to write to you/about you. I am more than convinced that you are so far healed and beyond me that I can’t even see the shadow of you in the distance anymore, but still I continue to pour my love and what is left of my soul out to you.

I continue to write to you as if you are reading and care.

I don’t know what is wrong with me.

If I continue to write to you is it making letting go of you harder? Or is writing to you my way of ‘letting you go’?

I’m so confused I don’t know what to do so I will just continue to write you out of my soul like I have been.

I will continue to let you slowly leave my life through my writings while I search for myself at the same time.

I know someday I too will be like you and have a new love to write about/love/fuck/kiss/hold/want/need. Someday I will not wake up feeling like I can’t catch my breath with the heaviest ache in my soul you could ever imagine. I mean seriously? Do I have to still feel like I am so lost without you after all this time? Do you think I want to feel this misery? Do you think I don’t wish every second of every day that I could walk away from any and everything US and not look back like you have? Of course I don’t want to hurt and love and want and need someone who doesn’t care about me or want me or love me or need me. I don’t think anyone ever wants that.

But that is what I am stuck with.

An undying love.

I am so scared for when this love does truly die out because I know I will never find something like it.

And that terrifies me more than not feeling anything ever again.

What if I gave you all the love I have and I don’t ever find it again?

What happens then?

What do you care? You’re in love. You’re not lonely and hurting and wondering what you could have done differently. You’re not questioning why the one time you truly believed in love how it could have ended this way. You’re not the one who cries themselves to sleep at night begging for darkness, no dreams because you are always in them and they quickly turn to nightmares.

No. That’s not how you spend your time at all.

You spend it with someone new. Telling them all the amazing things you used to tell me. That’s one of the hardest things about all of this. I know exactly what youre fucking saying and doing with her… because you spent the last 3 years doing the exact fucking same thing to me!!!

Why did I fall for it?

Why did my soul choose you to be forever?

Fucking fuck.

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