No title again… Writing took all I had tonight, and I don’t have much.

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I haven’t been feeling good things about you lately. . I chalked it up to me moving through the stages of grief and thought that any moment the pain and love would rush back in and hit me… but that hasn’t happened.

Yet.

Will it?

I honestly don’t think it will.

I have accepted so much lately, about US/me/life.

I have finally accepted you and I will never be again.

I am sad.

It hurts.

But it doesn’t bring me to my knees.

I took a shower tonight and didn’t cry for you.

I had a ‘moment’ the other day and you were not the first person I thought to run to, I didn’t even think of you at all actually.

I know now that the love that I had for you will always remain but it will not rule my life any longer. I won’t sit back and watch life, and you, pass me by.

I am going to grasp life and live it to the fullest.

I am going to do things that I have been scared to in the past.

I am not going to let the love that I had for you ruin the love that I have left to give.

I’m sad that you won’t be around to see or feel any of the love/life that is going to happen. I truly thought you were going to always be there for me. I never would have imagined a life without you. I always thought if anything were to ever happen to US it would be something out of our control but we would still always be a part of each others lives and support one and other.

I guess I am more sad by the fact that you don’t care about me more than the fact that you didn’t love me.

But I get to sleep peaceful at night, finally, knowing that everything I ever give/said/did/felt/meant for US was 100% real/honest/true and most importantly for you and only you; never did I give someone something that was meant for you. I have, and never will, share the tiny things between you and I that mean more than world to US but would mean nothing to anyone else (ex: Rawr, queen of the damned, moon, dorkfish, pretty eyes, pumpkin, T-Swift songs that meant things to you and I, sayings we only said to each other… you get the idea I’m sure).

But can you say the same?

I don’t think you can.

Actually.. I know you can’t.

Because you have already done and said so many things that were untrue or false to both her and I.

But I am not here to bring up hurt feelings about how much of US you gave to her with complete disregard to how it would break me, I am here to remind myself to let it go. I need to keep reminding myself that I am okay without you and I will only continue to get better.

Rawr… for old times sakes.

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2 Comments

  1. pippa

     /  February 21, 2015

    I know this feeling. I KNOW it. I hope you can keep getting better and finding little ways that show that you are moving on. I have heartache for how you’re feeling. Hugs.

    Reply
  2. i give you 100%. thats true ntwana.

    Reply

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