I think I’m ‘okay’ only when you’re out of sight/out of mind. . . And you’re rarely out of mind.

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I have been sitting here thinking of so much to write but really I don’t have anything to write here. I don’t feel anything when it comes to US anymore.

I honestly never thought that day would come. I hoped and wished for this day to come every second since that summer night that my world came shattering down, but I truly never thought it would really come. I kinda always thought that I would hang on to this sad love story forever but I guess the time has come.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am sure that there will be days or moments that the realization of losing you brings me to my knees or tears will spring to my eyes, but on the daily I feel nothing, and that makes me a little sad.

I have spent so much time and energy the last few years on the love that I had for you/us that I almost forgot what life was like without you in it. I literally had to train myself to not make choices with you/us in mind. I had to constantly remind myself that you didn’t want me anymore. Over and over I had to stop myself from reaching out to you. For months when the phone rang or text came I wished it would be from you. You had become such a huge part of my world that it has taken more time than I would like to admit for me to accept your gone.

But the day has come.

I wonder if that makes you happy? I wonder if you even remember I exist. And then I immediately try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter that I will never know the answers to those or any other questions I still have and oddly I am totally okay with that.

I am okay without you.

And then. . It’s 2am and I’m staring into the dark and it’s not long before the sadness creeps in and I’m reminded that I’m nothing to you. .

And well, that hurts a little more than I remember and now I find it difficult to remind myself that I’m okay without your love.

Are you okay without mine? Do you even remember what my love felt like? Was I not good enough at loving you? Why was my love not good enough for you? Will my love be good enough for anyone? Could anyone love me? Does it matter if they can because I don’t think I have any love left to give anyone. I guess that is kind of a good thing because that means no one can hurt me the way you have ever again.

Right? !

Yea.. so apparently it’s one of those nights.

Fuck nuggets I was hoping the okay would have held out a little longer than half a post. FML

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1 Comment

  1. I know the feeling well. :-/

    Reply

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