All I want is to be more than someones 2am call… but I don’t anything to give but 2am. Fck.

image

Dear Universe,

I am struggling tonight.

I think I may have briefly spoke of a ‘meet up’ or two in a previous post and that is partly what is bringing me to where I am tonight.

I desperately want to be that special someone to someone.

I want someone to want and love me with the ferocity that I had for Moon.

I just don’t know if I believe in that anymore.

How do you believe in something that you have already given your all too and it has laughed while slapping you in your face?

Am I capable of loving someone again?

I don’t think I am right now. I am so busy pushing anyone away and keeping everyone at arms length it’s impossible to be anything at all.

If this were any other time in my life the amount of male interest I have currently would keep me more than interested and occupied.

But it doesn’t.

I don’t answer phone calls when it rings.

I rarely respond to text right away.

I currently have 3 guys showing some sort of signs of interest, albeit on completely different levels but attention and interest none the less.

And I don’t really care.

I’m not feeling anything towards any of them. Not to mention the multiple people that I ‘interacted’ with on some level since Moon left. I mean I could start a few posts just on said interactions, the online dating world is a blog in it’s fucking self.

There is a certain someone who has been a constant since before Moon even truly left. He’s been a constant since before Moon really but he’s always been quietly, sometimes not so quietly, in the background. We have had a few deeply connecting moments. He even threw out the L word to me, several times and since, but I have kept him at such a distance that the possibility of him and I becoming anything doesn’t seem real.

I mean how can I expect someone to take me seriously and as anything more than a fucking 2 am booty call if I don’t give them anything more of myself than that?

HOw can I expect someone to love me if all I am giving them of myself is my vagina and some stimulating conversation? I mean.. really?! Sure I laugh with them. I throw out a few one liners and a couple of jokes. We talk about life and our days. I have cried with a few of them, shared some deep dark secrets with some, I’ve fucked more than I’d like to admit here or anywhere, I let one of them spank me until I came (I didn’t think it was possible either but trust me it happened), I’ve laid hours in the biggest and sexiest arms I could ever imagine, I’ve experienced kinky fuckery like I never thought possible… but during any and all of that I never felt anything in my soul.

Everything felt superficial or fake, like it wasn’t really ME but just some shell of what I used to be. I still look the same on the outside, well minus quite a few pounds (probably the only benefit of a lost love), but on the inside it’s hollow. Empty. There’s no me left inside.

I haven’t been ME since Moon has been gone. He took a piece of me with him. And I’m pretty sure it was the piece of me that held all the love that I had for life. I think it held all the light I had for anything.

I trusted him with everything and every part of me.

So I gave myself completely.

But he never gave me any of myself back when he left.

He kept all the best parts of me when he left.

And he doesn’t even know or care.

He’s living life and loving with his everything and his all.

And I’m stuck here giving out the only parts of me that I have left to people who don’t want to make me more than a 2 am call.

And in the sickest way possible… I am kinda okay with that.

Fuck feeling anything more than skin deep anyways.

It’s overfuckingrated!

Can barely keep my eyes open. . Until i put my head on the pillow. FML

image

Dear Universe,

I’m feeling blank.

I have so many thoughts that I think are finally fighting to get out but I can’t for the life of me sort through them enough to get anything out that would make any sense.

I am sad to report that I have had a few more bouts of utterly missing Moon but even though they are happen they don’t last long, thank goodness.

It was getting easier to forget and move on from Moon but for some reason lately it has been like it’s 200 steps back.

Maybe it’s because his birthday is approaching and I’m having anxiety over how I’m not supposed to spend the day celebrating Moon and making the day about him.. I’ve done that for years now, we have spent every birthday of his together or at least spend a day celebrating him, and we always celebrated in the best ways possible..

I don’t want to remember Moon anymore.

I don’t want to be reminded of him every day in May for the rest of my life.. But I’m going to be because a part of US lives in my soul and that part will always celebrate the life of Moon.

I just fcking miss him so bad…. I don’t want to pretend like I don’t tonight.

miss him

Dear Universe, I miss him. So fucking much it hurts. Again. I have had the best of days/weeks lately. But today… today I just miss Moon. I miss how if I had a day like today he would be there with open arms to hold and love away all the bad. I hate it. Missing him sucks. Thinking I need him is the worst.

I don’t remember his voice.. It brings a panic to my soul that is indescribable. There was a time that I thought I would hear it every day for the rest of my life and now I have a lifetime left to go without hearing it again.

I wish my soul forgot what it was like to love him.

Bahhhhhh….

Scattered thoughts from a sunny spring day. . Too bad my heart is so cold.

image

Dear Universe,

My drafts folder was filling up quite nicely for a bit there but now it sits lonely and forgotten.. I’ve been trying to go with the flow and just live but it only works for a little while before life knocks me down again.

I’m back.

I am here to write another day.

I’ve been encouraged by a few friends lately to start a blog.

If they only fucking knew…

So here I am.

Attempting to write in the few spare minutes I have because clean/tidy houses are overfuckingrated anyways and like I’ve said so many times before writing fucking saves me.

I have for so long only wrote about the parts of my life that include Moon and have left any and everything not him or US out, or try to anyways, but again I’m going to try to get some of the crazy that has taken up space.

The Baby Daddy and I have reached an all time low when it comes to communication/decisions/life in general etc and he has taken his emotional abuse to a whole new level. I have slowly opened up to people close to me, not by choice but after much prodding/coaxing, and they have been instrumental in helping me realize just how bad things really are.

I think I was able to ‘bandaid’ it all before because I had Moon there to support me and comfort me but since he has left it has become almost unbearable at times. I have seriously considered getting in the car and driving away, as far as I could go and start again, but reality and the love for my Littles always keeps me here putting one step in front of the other and trying to keep the smile on my face. It works sometimes, most of the times usually, but a lady can only take so much before she wants to fucking snap.

I haven’t had the time or energy to write at night or anytime really but there have been times I wish I could. I am considering carrying around a notebook and pen but I doubt I would ever have the time to post them over so it would be pointless, the feeling of my fingers across the keyboard is what is the most comforting to me and I wouldn’t get that with a pen and tablet anyway.

I’m feeling a bit proud of the fact that I have been dealing with some shit lately and haven’t ran to a guy to cover up whatever is going on. I have done the opposite actually and pushed away about any male that has tried to get close physically/emotionally/anything.

And I like it.

I also like that the episodes of missing Moon have become fewer and farther between. .My breath is barely taken anymore and the hurt is so sudden I can almost forget what it feels like.

I don’t remember why or what I was saying in this post, as usual so I guess I will just end it here before I go off on some other random tangent.

Maybe someday I will write about my crazy buckwilde downward spiral I went on right after Moon left and tell you about a few of my dating ‘meet ups’. Maybe I’ll write about Coach Spanks or Muscle Guy, although Mr Legs is quite an interesting one too…

Just thinking back I don’t even believe some of it myself and it was me there making the fucking memories…. Oy vey.

Another time Universe. Another time.

Oh yea I almost forgot… Happy fcking Easter.

life moves on

Dear Universe,

It’s been another holiday to add to the craziness. I survived it the best I could. I had a mini meltdown about Moon lastnight.

I made it through it.

It has left me thinking about him a lot today. I know that I have come a long way. I know that I have accepted that there is no longer love between US. But what I have realized is that there was a part of me somewhere that still thought he would be back. It took me by surprise. It always does when something is put in my face and there are cold hard facts to prove how gone he really is but this was different. I’m immediately saddened again by the loss of him, again. I already did this. I already accepted that he was gone.

But I didn’t accept that he was never coming back.

I didn’t understand how long of a process it would be to let him truly go.

It is so upsetting because as soon as I think I’ve come so far I’m faced with the reality that I’m not any closer than I was the day he walked away.

I’m so tired of loving him. I wish I truly could just turn it off the way he did. I wish I would have known that we were playing pretend, then I wouldn’t have taken the words/promises/love that was made to soul, I could have just spouted fakeness and called it a day.

But no, I was stupid and thought we were being real.

Look where that got me.

Months later I’m still being faced with the love I have for a man who forgot I exist.

Now I’m accepting that he truly will never be back. I’m going to go the rest of my days without hearing his words, feeling his love, looking into his eyes. He’s never going to wrap his arms around me. He’s never going to be there again.

I’ve already forgotten his voice. I can’t remember what his whispers sound like anymore. I struggle to remember and then I immediately beg to forget.

Yea.. story of my life.

I’m sorry I’m not sorry. .

image

Dear Universe,

Tonight I’m just going to let myself miss him.

The moon is too bright to ignore tonight. And i don’t want to.

I miss him.

It sucks.

I don’t remember not missing him. .

#dontjudge

I wrote this, tried to post it, deleted it on accident, tried to restore it… and this is the finished product. FU April 1st.

image

Dear Universe,

April 1st sucked more ass than usual days do, and that is pretty fucking bad. FYI the extra periods that are ending up in my posts are due to a little that somehow got their tiny fingers on my period button and the whole button has gone missing leaving just the little bump button thingy left that I have to push down, anyways…

Today was a real douche nugget. It started out crappy and just got worse. I don’t even know how to describe it and I dont really think I want to just because I don’t want to relive today. Ever.

Good thing there is tomorrow to try again. Yay.. Not really. Kinda.

In other news I think I am going to look into being a doula.. I have already been present at several of my friends births and I have even missed a few that friends had asked me to be at. I really believe in that a womans body is capable of so much when it comes to birth and that with the support of the right people during a labor the body is able to do what it was made to do.

But I’ll perhaps post more about that topic later.

I was flipping thru photos on my phone today and ran into a pic of Moon, several of them really. I tried to quickly flip by but I was stopped by those crystal blue eyes. For a second I almost recognized the person behind them, for a few brief seconds it was like looking into the eyes of my own soul. I missed those eyes. I forgot how the mixture of those eyes and that smile could slice through my core.

But then it was gone.

I couldn’t for the life of me find the fire that was behind those eyes. I don’t get it because the picture is the exact same one that I have had since Moon sent it but I don’t know who the man is that is looking back anymore.

I guess that is a good thing.

Someday I will erase the last few remaining physical memories of Moon that I have but I’m not ready to yet. I still need the reassurance that he existed, that he was mine, that I was able to love and be loved and someday soon I won’t feel the need to be reminded but for now, well, for now I need that. It helps me to know how far I have come.

There was a time that any and everything in my life had been touched by Moon. I wasn’t able to let him go because he had been such a huge part of my life. I held onto the love that we shared with everything I had, right up until he finally told me he didn’t love me anymore. When he said those words all the fight that I had for US vanished, all of the love that I had remained but I no longer felt like I needed to fight for him. I knew that there was no fighting to do. So I gave up. But he remained everywhere, for months. I couldn’t look at a picture of him without tears streaming down my face and my soul screaming for him to come back. I couldn’t listen to music because so much reminded me of him and I, every love song was relevant to the loss of our love. I spent more time than I would like to admit literally being brought to the ground with hurt/tears/pain/agony for Moon.

So the fact that I was able to look at a picture of him and not feel like I’ve been punched in the gut I feel like I have come a long way in letting go of the love we once shared.

And I think that if I can hold onto that for longer than just April 1st then I’m doing pretty fucking good.

Nighty night.