I wrote this, tried to post it, deleted it on accident, tried to restore it… and this is the finished product. FU April 1st.

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Dear Universe,

April 1st sucked more ass than usual days do, and that is pretty fucking bad. FYI the extra periods that are ending up in my posts are due to a little that somehow got their tiny fingers on my period button and the whole button has gone missing leaving just the little bump button thingy left that I have to push down, anyways…

Today was a real douche nugget. It started out crappy and just got worse. I don’t even know how to describe it and I dont really think I want to just because I don’t want to relive today. Ever.

Good thing there is tomorrow to try again. Yay.. Not really. Kinda.

In other news I think I am going to look into being a doula.. I have already been present at several of my friends births and I have even missed a few that friends had asked me to be at. I really believe in that a womans body is capable of so much when it comes to birth and that with the support of the right people during a labor the body is able to do what it was made to do.

But I’ll perhaps post more about that topic later.

I was flipping thru photos on my phone today and ran into a pic of Moon, several of them really. I tried to quickly flip by but I was stopped by those crystal blue eyes. For a second I almost recognized the person behind them, for a few brief seconds it was like looking into the eyes of my own soul. I missed those eyes. I forgot how the mixture of those eyes and that smile could slice through my core.

But then it was gone.

I couldn’t for the life of me find the fire that was behind those eyes. I don’t get it because the picture is the exact same one that I have had since Moon sent it but I don’t know who the man is that is looking back anymore.

I guess that is a good thing.

Someday I will erase the last few remaining physical memories of Moon that I have but I’m not ready to yet. I still need the reassurance that he existed, that he was mine, that I was able to love and be loved and someday soon I won’t feel the need to be reminded but for now, well, for now I need that. It helps me to know how far I have come.

There was a time that any and everything in my life had been touched by Moon. I wasn’t able to let him go because he had been such a huge part of my life. I held onto the love that we shared with everything I had, right up until he finally told me he didn’t love me anymore. When he said those words all the fight that I had for US vanished, all of the love that I had remained but I no longer felt like I needed to fight for him. I knew that there was no fighting to do. So I gave up. But he remained everywhere, for months. I couldn’t look at a picture of him without tears streaming down my face and my soul screaming for him to come back. I couldn’t listen to music because so much reminded me of him and I, every love song was relevant to the loss of our love. I spent more time than I would like to admit literally being brought to the ground with hurt/tears/pain/agony for Moon.

So the fact that I was able to look at a picture of him and not feel like I’ve been punched in the gut I feel like I have come a long way in letting go of the love we once shared.

And I think that if I can hold onto that for longer than just April 1st then I’m doing pretty fucking good.

Nighty night.

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