Oh yea I almost forgot… Happy fcking Easter.

life moves on

Dear Universe,

It’s been another holiday to add to the craziness. I survived it the best I could. I had a mini meltdown about Moon lastnight.

I made it through it.

It has left me thinking about him a lot today. I know that I have come a long way. I know that I have accepted that there is no longer love between US. But what I have realized is that there was a part of me somewhere that still thought he would be back. It took me by surprise. It always does when something is put in my face and there are cold hard facts to prove how gone he really is but this was different. I’m immediately saddened again by the loss of him, again. I already did this. I already accepted that he was gone.

But I didn’t accept that he was never coming back.

I didn’t understand how long of a process it would be to let him truly go.

It is so upsetting because as soon as I think I’ve come so far I’m faced with the reality that I’m not any closer than I was the day he walked away.

I’m so tired of loving him. I wish I truly could just turn it off the way he did. I wish I would have known that we were playing pretend, then I wouldn’t have taken the words/promises/love that was made to soul, I could have just spouted fakeness and called it a day.

But no, I was stupid and thought we were being real.

Look where that got me.

Months later I’m still being faced with the love I have for a man who forgot I exist.

Now I’m accepting that he truly will never be back. I’m going to go the rest of my days without hearing his words, feeling his love, looking into his eyes. He’s never going to wrap his arms around me. He’s never going to be there again.

I’ve already forgotten his voice. I can’t remember what his whispers sound like anymore. I struggle to remember and then I immediately beg to forget.

Yea.. story of my life.

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