#medicated #dontjudge #sorryimnotsorry

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Dear Universe,

Some days are better than others..

Today is an ‘other day’. It’s been an ‘other weekend’ really.

Let’s try again next week. .

HABITS- To Love

Uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh
I eat my dinner in my bathtub
Then I go to sex clubs
Watching freaky people getting it on
It doesn’t make me nervous
If anything I’m restless
Yeah I’ve been around and I’ve seen it all

I get home, I got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub, then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Days kind of lonely

You’re gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe, I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life to forget I’m missing you

Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my day time
Loosen up the frown, make them feel alive
I make it fast and greasy
I know my way too easy

You’re gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze,
Tryin’ to forget you babe, I fall back down
Got to stay high all my life to forget I’m missing you

Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain’t got no end
Oh, can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
Oh, staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain’t got no end
Oh oh can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

You’re gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Tryin’ to forget you babe, I fall back down
Got to stay high all my life to forget I’m missing you

The drought was the very worst… Ten months sober, I must admit Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it.

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Dear Universe,

I’m at such a different place than I was 10 months ago.

I go hours/days/weeks/months without being dropped to my knees from the hurt anymore.

It was a struggle, to say the least, to get here.

I had the highest of high and the lowest of lows.

But I didn’t rush myself.

I didn’t push myself to hurry the process.

I tried my hardest to not deny the feelings felt.

It was tough, it still is, but I can say that I have fully accepted US for what it was.

I have really spent the last few months focusing on myself. I have more posts than one should in my Drafts folder and I just kind of post them when I can. I don’t always read them through, usually I just end up adding the tags, or titling and then publishing so I apologize for all of the wacky craziness you have dealt with the past several months.

I may have some sort of peace with US now but that is no way how things are in other aspects of my life right now.

It’s pretty opposite actually.

I have some crazy family stuff happening. I have more Baby Daddy drama than one person should ever have to deal with and summer is just around the corner. I have to somehow entertain 3 littles for months without any harm, to them or myself lol, I’m guessing there will be an abundance of things to write about soon. There already is I’m sure but I’m having a hard time writing about anything else. It’s like I have writers block when it comes to writing about anything…

I’m gonna go snuggle my Babydoll. I missed her like crazy today and we get to sleep in for the next 3 DAYS!!! (I may or may not be excited about that) I’m gonna put on some Real Housewives of New York/Terra’s Little Family/Little Woman NY (or however many I can get thru before I pass out) and zone out with my dolly.

Goodnight world.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

PS. Clean by Taylor Swift has been one of faves since the first time I played the album thru but it has spoke directly to my soul the last few weeks/month. Learning to unlove Moon was like overcoming an addiction for me, I had become addicted to having him in my life. It was easy to become addicted. I lived/breathed/loved everything Moon for a very long time. He was my drug. He made whatever fucked up seemed not so fucking bad. Anyways this wasn’t about Moon this was about my soul sister Taylor and her beautiful music. I play this song with the windows down and the volume on full blast any chance I can lately. It saves me. Thank you Taylor, for saving me.

Clean

By Taylor Swift

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months, and months of back and forth, ah ah
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do, ah ah
When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof, ah ah
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean, ah
Said, I think I am finally clean, ah

Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it
Ten months older I won’t give in
Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Finally clean, think I’m finally clean, ah ah
Think I’m finally clean

Haters gonna hate, hate, hate. I’m just gonna… write about it. And then shake it off.

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Dear Universe,

I’ve been getting a lot of hate on here lately. I don’t let half the hate thru but some of it makes it thru anyways.

I don’t understand why or how anyone would want to hate on someone who fell so madly/deeply in love with another and then had to live through that other walking away.

Who spreads that kind of hate onto someone?

I don’t even wish the kind of hurt that I have felt on anyone. No one.

So why would someone want to name call and belittle someone for still hurting LESS THAN A YEAR after a devastating event has happened to them?

I won’t and don’t feel bad for hurting for Moon.
I loved him.

I thought he loved me.

We spent years together building and planning a life together..

I have a list that goes on and on (3 years worth actually) but I don’t feel like defending the love that I have for someone..

It was my love.

It is my love.

I will never defend feeling love.

I will never regret feeling hurt.

I will be am a better person because of the way/depth I was able to love Moon and how I was able to overcome the loss of him.

I will never stop hurting for Moon. But I will have learned to accept and live with it.

I will forever look for his light, he lit a piece of my soul and US will eternally own that piece.

There will never be a time in existence that I don’t love Moon.

Never.

But I will love again.

I won’t love the way I loved Moon, I couldn’t there is only one Moon, but I will allow myself to love another just as deeply, someday.

I’m in no rush for that day.

Sometimes you’re fighting so hard to stay sane that you have to post without any pics… Deal with it.

Dear Universe,

Why can’t I breathe? Why are the tears flowing? Why does the hurt from missing Moon seem unbearable right now?

I just want to go back in time, to a day that we were madly in love (or so I thought) and I want to just soak it all up. I want to feel the love that we shared again. I forget what that feels like. I can’t remember what it is like to not feel alone.

I wish I could forget Moon.

Sitting here and writing about all the amazing he made me feel is not the way to forget about him.

But I’m terrified that once I forget it will be like US never existed, no one will remember what a great love story we made, US will just become some lost words on the internet that some sad/lost lover finds scouring the web for fellow wallowers.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck..

There’s just too much that time cannot erase… I tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone.

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Dear Universe,

There are so many things that remind me of Moon, more than I would like to admit or even think about. But this song holds one of the strongest memories. And it’s haunting me today…

The lyrics were meant for Moon and I.

Fuck today.

A partial post, had to stop myself from feeling too much… Sorry posting as is or it will end up lost in the drafts folder like so many others.

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Dear Universe,

I know that there are different stages and types of grief and I don’t care what anyone says, when a relationship ends like the one that Moon and I had it is like a death, especially when that relationship is something that you have put your whole heart and soul into (I know that there are worse deaths than the loss of a relationship but this is no place for judgments here I am speaking of my loss, my relationship, my grief, my healing) and it’s there one day and the next you wake up and it’s like it never existed. I’m trying my hardest to not give anymore time or attention to something that is no longer but that is impossible when it still lives in your soul.

I have moments of anger when I think of Moon building a new relationship with someone, it doesn’t even matter who that someone is only that its not me, and promising them all of the same promises that he promised me, doing all of the things that we were supposed to do. I still find my breath being stolen and tears spring to my eyes when certain things are talked about (all of the many city sites that we planned to show each other, Niagara Falls.. I can’t even continue because my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my fucking chest).

I don’t know what I was writing about because I have to stop. I have to focus on right here. Right now. The sun on my shoulders. The wind that is tickling my toes. The birds that are chirping in the trees.

I can’t believe there are still moments that hurt me to my core when I think about the loss of Moon. It’s mind fucking how almost a year later I am still just barely a little tiny bit better than I was the moment my world came crashing down.

How can it almost be a year?

How can it almost be 365 fucking days since I felt any sort of love/feeling/emotion/caring from someone who I thought was my forever?

How can that same someone already have found a deeper love than the love we shared with someone else? Especially when I am not able to connect with anyone else on anything more than a physical level?

How can I have lost the tiny bit of believe that I had to something that was 100% fake?

How can all or any of these fucking things be true?

Because every single one of them fucking is.

The first 3rd of May, in a long string of a lifetime, that I won’t be celebrating Moon… And I’m devastated.

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It’s Moons day of birth. I’ve spent the last 4 years celebrating and showering Moon with love. I don’t know how to forget or make myself not care.

It’s impossible.

I’ll forever love Moon. I’ll look for him everyday. I’ll miss him until eternity.

I’ll give him the only thing I know he ever wants from again. . to leave him alone, and it kills me in ways you wouldn’t think possible.

But for Moon, sadly, I would do anything. .even if it kills me. .

Fuck fucking fuck…