A partial post, had to stop myself from feeling too much… Sorry posting as is or it will end up lost in the drafts folder like so many others.

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Dear Universe,

I know that there are different stages and types of grief and I don’t care what anyone says, when a relationship ends like the one that Moon and I had it is like a death, especially when that relationship is something that you have put your whole heart and soul into (I know that there are worse deaths than the loss of a relationship but this is no place for judgments here I am speaking of my loss, my relationship, my grief, my healing) and it’s there one day and the next you wake up and it’s like it never existed. I’m trying my hardest to not give anymore time or attention to something that is no longer but that is impossible when it still lives in your soul.

I have moments of anger when I think of Moon building a new relationship with someone, it doesn’t even matter who that someone is only that its not me, and promising them all of the same promises that he promised me, doing all of the things that we were supposed to do. I still find my breath being stolen and tears spring to my eyes when certain things are talked about (all of the many city sites that we planned to show each other, Niagara Falls.. I can’t even continue because my heart feels like it’s going to pop out of my fucking chest).

I don’t know what I was writing about because I have to stop. I have to focus on right here. Right now. The sun on my shoulders. The wind that is tickling my toes. The birds that are chirping in the trees.

I can’t believe there are still moments that hurt me to my core when I think about the loss of Moon. It’s mind fucking how almost a year later I am still just barely a little tiny bit better than I was the moment my world came crashing down.

How can it almost be a year?

How can it almost be 365 fucking days since I felt any sort of love/feeling/emotion/caring from someone who I thought was my forever?

How can that same someone already have found a deeper love than the love we shared with someone else? Especially when I am not able to connect with anyone else on anything more than a physical level?

How can I have lost the tiny bit of believe that I had to something that was 100% fake?

How can all or any of these fucking things be true?

Because every single one of them fucking is.

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3 Comments

  1. quinn

     /  May 13, 2015

    Almost a year and you’re STILL crying?? Wasted life if I say so myself

    Reply
  2. Reblogged this on My Sun is shrouded, but my Moon and Stars guide me. And sometimes, just sometimes, its possible to see Sunbeams in the Night and commented:
    I read it and wept silent molten tears. It is an expression of All the things that I can never find the breath or the words to say.

    All the things boiling and burning in the hollow place carved from my heart.

    All of the things lurking and seething, hiding in the blackness of the canyon dredged by the Sunset, each one ravenously waiting to swallow me whole.

    I can only hope that one day my words will speak so deeply to another, pouring out a salve to a wound they can’t find words to describe.

    Reply

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