So sleepy.. Until my head hits the pillow and the lights go out, then it’s game on for Fear & Anxiety.

sad

Dear Universe,

You really love fucking with me huh?

Just when I think that I might start having my ducks in a row and the planets are starting to align or blah fuckity blah blah, you throw me a fucking curveball I could never have seen coming.

I don’t know how to write about it yet. If I write about it then it becomes more real. If I put words to it then I give it life and this is something that does not deserve life. I deserve life. I keep telling myself that. I am more scared than I have been in forever. I don’t know how I am going to last the next few weeks and then I will have even more time to wait for results.

I’m not sleeping.

I’m hardly eating.

I had a few moments of weakness the last 48 hours and reached out to a few people. I don’t expect people to be there but that doesn’t mean that I don’t hope that they are…

I can proudly say that I did not at all reach out to Moon. And that is a feat in itself! Don’t get me wrong there was a moment (or hours but who’s counting) when my heart was racing and the blood was rushing through my ears so loud I couldn’t hear anything and for those moments I wanted to reach out to Moon and in the past I would have. I would have dialed his number at the very, very least but this time I didn’t.

This time I sat with my fear/sadness/anger/anxiety and I remembered a time when I could reach out to Moon and he would have loved me back to sanity saying ‘it didn’t matter what the tests say or what parts of me they have to take he would still be here loving me, whole or in pieces’. The tears ran as I imagined how at one time I truly thought I had the Clyde to my Bonnie and how we could have conquered this evil together. I cried for the loss of amazing we made. I cried for the love I miss so badly.

So quick reality was to knock me back down. Moon isn’t here. He doesn’t care. He can’t love away this ugly. He can’t whisper my anxiety to silence.

I didn’t text/call/message at all.

I just let myself feel everything that was attacking me at once and rode them out.

I felt every single emotion to the center of my core.

And I did it without a ‘partner’. I did it without Moon. I never thought there would be a time/crisis that I didn’t crumble without him. And I am okay with that. I am more than Okay with that. I feel a tiny bit of proud in these moments of terror for not being weak like so many think I am.

The ones I leaned on did/said the right thing, which sometimes just meant they sat there and watched/listened to me cry. I didn’t get any fake or phony, I received love/honesty/support.

I don’t know how I am going to make it through these next few weeks. But I’m terrified for them to pass. Every minute that goes is one closer to a reality that I am not ready to accept. I feel so alone.

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Another post written days before. . Im still wandering.

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Dear Universe,

Another day another dollar…

The first cut is the deepest…

The song is playing right now and it’s super distracting.. I don’t want to try to love again. I don’t care if I never fall in love again. I don’t think I have the energy to even begin having any ‘like’ for another human.. love seems impossible.

And I am super okay with that.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t really want a life of ‘alone-ness’ but I would much prefer someone say.. ‘hey, I’m gonna say I love you and will be here for you always and that I could never live without you but what I mean by that is I’m gonna like you while I’m here, I’m gonna be here for you when it’s convenient and I will forget you existed as soon as you walk out the door.’

I’ll take brutal honesty over bullshit lies any day!

Give it to me real. I’m done with the fake-ness.

I don’t need any false promises or fake love.

I don’t want any kind of emotional bullshit.

But..I’m a lover.. with a broken heart and shattered soul.

Who is so fucking lost in this world of unknown..

180 Days Later…

Strawberry Moons forevermore. . Too many moons.

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Dear Universe,

Sometimes I can’t write so I just post pictures.

Tonight’s one of those times.

Eight months.

8 months… Soon a year. . Then 2… but a lifetime?!

#impossible

A Veil Of Innocence

And she wasn’t sure of what to do, everything was so distant yet so perfect. His lips, in that split second, took her back to her fairytale land. A place where she was his and he was hers. Eight months, she had craved his touch, screamed into pillows and cried up till dawn, eight months. And her reward? A slight peck and handshake. That in itself was more than she could handle.
But she knew. She knew that nothing in the world could possibly be half as beautiful as the way his eyes looked at her and the way she felt when in his arms.
…and just like that, once again, comfortable yet alone in her cozy bed. She wanted him to lie next to her in pure innocence. With their bodies pressed against each other and the comfort of each other’s presence.

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