I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

image

Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Advertisements
Leave a comment

9 Comments

  1. Broken2

     /  November 3, 2015

    I wish that we could talk. Maybe we could answer each other’s questions. Seems we all love the same moon literally. All along I thought I was dealing with p and thought it was all her cus of their ‘moon’ talk.’love u to the moon and back’ I have so much to say but your blog is an exact copy of my feelings and relationship. I understand your pain.seems 2011 the date he keeps saying ‘we’ really started again after a year of trying to make me Belive and trust again…is when you started?! I can’t Belive it’s only been a year either that you ended.guess when we got married. 2 kids later. I’ve had a hard time realizing a person could want to hurt already broken people and make a game of their lives. I can’t even let it sink in. What my childhood didn’t do one single person crushed my soul. And to know so many people love the moon so deeply and it’s taken so lightly. I could go on and on. Have no idea how he managed to sleep with you all those times. And her:..and me. Course I was busy beliving and having babies. Beliving after 8 yrs we were finally one…questions wonder is your name Miranda…Sarah… God so many choices. Wish we could help each other. Sorry

    Reply
  2. Brutal truth

     /  November 3, 2015

    Life coulda been so much easier for all of us have the brutal truth not stopped. I realize now the honesty was only to see the pain in me. And I feel the same as you I love this man so much that is pathetic but I have two kids with him who I would never want them to know that I meant nothing to their dad and was some kind of sick joke because I needed to be learned a lesson. Because just like you I thought I’d found find me a guy of integrity and he was so fucking honest caring so fucking caring someone to me protect me haha. Who just don’t understand where he found the fucking time to fuck you and I gave my fucking on just like I still do every day knowing the truth because it hurts so bad. And then unfortunately I think he likes that

    Reply
  3. Thenothinggirl

     /  November 3, 2015

    When you say where is all this sick stuff up to him you know who I’m talking about….is this his monk friend.?Who is he in that post.need to know need to know who the fuck is in charge of hurting people so bad. All I know is that for years I was made to feel horrible about myself or mistakes but I was always trying to learn and be a better person when the person I love so much I was the one who couldn’t be faithful. Please tell me who you are. I’ve kept him hitting and I was darkness because I know what it’s like to not be proud of the bad things you do. But I know he’d rather have me die than give me Brutal honesty anymore. All I know is were sick and really broken because we still love him

    Reply
  4. Imnothing

     /  November 3, 2015

    Only a year Christ god

    Reply
  5. Broken2

     /  November 3, 2015

    If it makes you feel any better seems he’s made promises to quit me too. And for the rest of my life I will have to lie to our boys about all I know… So that they don’t know their mom was just a cruel joke and they were conceived ‘from a dark place’ . Just know I understand your pain and wish we could get the same answers. I wish I knew who ‘he’ is that you mentioned… Who calls all these shots…never did I imagine a world so cruel.

    Reply
  6. justawarmbody

     /  November 23, 2015

    And if your the same girl with the fb pic of dinarsour figurines drinking vodka well didn’t make sense then but sure does now. Roooarrrr! Hate that I called my boys little dinasours… Up til I read bout this. Even the simplest sweetest things have been ruined. This is no fairy take I can tell you that…

    Reply
  7. justawarmbody

     /  January 6, 2016

    Well the dinosaurs may of been another… But coincidence of Johnny and pilar I don’t think. Sorry

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: