How easily the words come to me in a post… Not so much in Life.

let him go

 

Dear Universe,

I think I went 23 minutes, plus sleep time, before I gave in and text Him. Pathetic I know but really that is what I am when it comes to Him, pathetic.

We haven’t talked only text because talking = crying to me and I’m sure annoying to Him. But do you think that stops me from contacting Him? Well, if you have been following my blog at all you know I am a class 5 clinger so me quietly going away and letting go is near impossible.

Through messaging today we accomplished nothing.

I miss Him.

But I know talking is not what either of us need. I would find it hard to ask about any and every tiny detail about the new chick. I want to know if when they first me the connection was so instant and powerful? Were they unable to be apart the way we were? Did they have to find a way to sneak off again within hours only to spend the time snuggled and staring like silly teenagers next to each other? Did he spend hours in a parking lot close to her? Does he get an indescribable feeling when around her? Does she run through his mind at the most random times? Does every fucking thing remind him of her?

So yeah, pretty much why I don’t have a ton to say when we communicate because that is the fucking crazy running through my mind.

And then He asks why I have been so distant the last 4 months?

What?!

Are you fucking serious?

For so many reasons, but most of them I can’t tell Him.

How do you tell someone that the reason you stay away and push and push is because whenever you have any contact with them it feels like there are teeny tiny magnets filling every cell of your being and they tingle and get warm and feel like they are being pulled toward Him, even if it’s a phone or text convo… And if we are in person. Fo’get about it! He’s running his hands across my body? I’m a fucking puddle, literally.

Lameness. That is what that is. L. A. M. E. And so fucking embarrassing.

I may have said it before but the connection is physical but not sexual, although it can be sexual, very, very, very sexual, but it also can be not at all. I can sit next to Him and feel connected. Like we are on the same wave length. Our things are doing the same things. It’s so strange. And so frightening.

I have never felt something like this before.

And life had it’s own plan and ideas.

And now I am sitting here, trying to find it in me to not reach out to Him, not to beg Him to just wait for me to get my shit together and see what life has in store for me the rest of this wild ride I’m currently on.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that.

I wont ask someone to wait for me. There is no guarantee I will be here in 5 minutes let alone 5 months or more.

I thought before when I met Moon that I had found my soulmate. I know now that eventhough I allowed him into the deepest parts of my soul that we were not connected the way that Him and I are (at least we were never given the chance to see but even at our closest I never felt the feels I do now). I don’t know how to explain it but something crazy and insane and beautiful happens when we are together.

And I am having the hardest fucking time letting go.

Imagine that.

 

 

Welcome back… Same old, same old.

soul

 

Dear Universe,

How do you respond to someone saying they want to remain friends when the connection you experienced with said person was anything but friendly?

I know that I have written before about being madly in love and finding the other piece to my soul and I still stand behind the words/feelings/everything I experienced but this time, well this time it was completely different.

The kind of different where when you look back on the timeline you go what.. what the serious fuck? How were those intense feelings felt in such a short time?

I mean.. what I felt with him was not really describable.

But it made me believe in so many things.

It came at the most unexpected time.

It was impulsive in almost everything, probably a huge factor in the way that our story ended, we had.

I will still never forget the day we met. It felt like a million days in one.

I don’t even want to talk about it now actually because anything that has to do with him makes me feel things, the most unsettling feeling starts in my core and I have to immediately shut down said thought/feeling/moment because it is so fucking easy to get lost in the connection we have.

I have never connected with someone this way before. Ever. And it was instant.

We thrived off of each other.

Whatever we had was strongest when we were together. Even if that was just sitting there next to one another.

And that doesn’t even begin to describe the connect we had physically, and not just sexually, but when he touched me I felt alive. My skin tingled and my breath stopped, over and over again as his hands and fingers roamed over my body. I can say without a doubt it is absolutely one of my favorite things ever!!

But a lot of shit happened.

We happened.

Too quickly.

Life shit on us.

I was am weak.

It was easiest to go back to what I knew then to jump into the unknown at one of the lowest points of my life.

So I did. I went back.

I didn’t think it would be permanent but again, life happened. I did have a pretty big role in said life happening but it is what it is now.

Again I was weak.

Chose the path I know.

Hurt someone who I never wanted to.

They said less than a week ago that no matter what life had thrown at me they were willing to just add it to the craziness we could make together.

And now they are dating someone else and sorry if they are unavailable but hey, let’s be friends….

Umm.. No thanks..

I’m good on the friend front.

Plus I would expect way too much from them on the friend level because let’s be real here, I don’t consider said person a friend. If they ever had to touch me the connection we have would be instantly ignited. And I don’t feel like spending a lifetime faking that it exists or craving just any second of it I can get, that’s what happens when I am near him; I can’t touch/hug/hold him because my being craves for more, I push away or keep at a distance for fear of crawling into his lap and snuggling up. So I just stayed away. pushed the way I am oh so fucking good at.

And it worked.

He is dating someone.

And as text book as it sounds I am truly happy for him.

But I can’t and won’t fake a friendship with him.

Which leads me back to my question earlier… how do you respond to that person?

If I’m not friends them we are nothing.

And if we are nothing there is no reason to be in each other’s lives.

If he’s not in my life…. well, that just fucking sucks.

You see my conundrum?