Sleepless nights are here again… And the baby isn’t even here yet.

dont worry

 

 

Dear Universe,

Like I do anytime shit is just too much for me, I came here to write it out. Because let’s be honest, that’s what I do. I am so much better at typing it out then saying it out loud.

I didn’t think that I had been writing much but after coming back here again I notice I have been writing a  bit more than I thought. And I had put down a lot more here than I remembered. Mostly about Him.

But I am feeling so much that I needed to put it somewhere so here I came.

And, like every other time, I am at a loss for words now that I am here.

I guess I opened up more to Him last night than I usually do. But I don’t usually because I think it’s for the better that I don’t pour out all the crazy I am feeling. It won’t change our situation right now and I figured it would only make it harder. I mean come on here, there is no possible way I thought someone would actually just ‘wait’ around for months while I got my crazy shit together. But apparently if I had poured the words out it would have changed things.

I’m not really buying it.

I think the only thing that would have done would have been proven just how freaking lame I am when it comes to Him.

I seriously don’t need that again.

So oddly, I held it all in this time. And it ended no better than when I word vomit everywhere.

So… yeah.

We spent hours texting last night. But the only thing that accomplished was reminding me of how much I crave Him when he’s not around. 37 minutes last night literally felt like at least 2 hours.

Pathetic.

I found myself holding my phone while dozing off finally around 3ish, after I spent the night staring at it looking for the notification flashing.

More pathetic.

And now, now I am sitting here thinking I shouldn’t text anymore but dying inside from not blowing Him up. If I knew for certain he was alone right now I think I would be blowing Him up. But I’m pretty sure he’s not and although I don’t care if He sees how weak/pathetic/lame I am for Him, I damn sure don’t want anyone else to.

So instead I will sit here and pour a lil crazy out the only way I am truly good at.

Blogging about it.

The last message we had was something about how I was not going to text him until he text/call me because He has been so distracted at work and it’s not great for his job. He responded with something like, yeah sure you won’t.

And I haven’t.

I wont.

I know how hard it is for me to not contact Him. I know how many times a day/night I have to stop myself from not reaching out to Him.

And he used to reach out to me all the time.

Lately it has been less and less often.

I am just going to sit it out and see how this plays out.

No longer will I go above and beyond after I have already expressed myself crystal clearly and the other person knows it all. At that point it is in there court and if they take too long to return I will not be sitting around here sobbing like I used too.

I have loved and lost before and I am sure that I can love again. This will not break me or make me. It will only strengthen and inspire me.

Mic drop.

 

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