What happens on the weekends, stays on the weekend… Easier said/written than done.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently eating popcorn cakes, drinking coffee, and attempting to you write. All while The Little Mermaid plays in the background.

This weekend was exhausting.

I am currently actively participating in a relationship that is full of open and honesty, just only to certain people, that includes sleeping with others but not each other. Although every time we are alone together we are drawn to each other like magnets. My body reacts to him in ways that it has never reacted to anything before, and if you scroll back far enough here you will see that I have experienced some pretty amazing shit in my life while just writing here alone and the things I’m speaking of here make that look like child’s play, and it doesn’t even have to be provoked sexually. I am referring to simple looks from across the room, our eyes meeting and a smile formed, fingers slowly ran down my arms, a back rub, if there is any sort of sexual provoking just get outta here! It’s game over! All senses are lost, nothing else exists in that moment, I exist as one with Him and no one else.

It is magical.

And scary as fuck.

He’s dating someone else.

I live with the Baby Daddy.

We met during a time when both of us were not looking for anything more that some dating distractions while trying to navigate newly single life again.

But our souls met and it was like they were reunited after a lifetime of missing each other and reconnected within seconds of finding themselves again.

We were helpless to what was happening. I hung on to the craziness of the ride not knowing that it would last.

But here we are, over a year later we are still drawn to each other. We still return to the other seeking comfort in the absence of happiness the other experiences too. Both desperately trying to fill voids that were impossible to achieve.

We have been tried by some pretty big life events.

And yet we long to be together.

Did I mention that He spends the weekends banging someone else. And I’m supposed to be okay with that and sadly I am.

Cuz I can’t be who He wants me to be. I am too chicken shit to uproot my family.

Good mommies don’t do that right?

Fuck.

 

 

Advertisements

There are times when the tears threaten so quickly the burn behind my eyes takes my breath away… A few have even escaped.

Dear Universe , 

This. 

My text to Him tonight… I might be breaking. 

Dear Universe,

I’ve finally lost it. 

I can’t do this anymore. 

I love Him. 

I can’t share him any longer. it breaks my heart and kills my soul. 

Dead. 

The first 24… First cut is the deepest is right

Dear Universe,

I have successfully (if that is what you can call it) made it over 24 hours now without contacting Him in any way.

And He has been successful in not reaching out to me either. But then again He never did seem to have a problem with staying away, especially when He was doing the wrong shit.

But for me it has been a constant struggle with myself to put the phone down, delete the text or email, basically every second of the day. I’m practically sitting on my hands over here to not reach out to Him, begging for this pain to end.

And it is so fucking exhausting.

I’m sure, no I’m positive there will come a time when I’m not counting the hours since we last spoke… but now is not that time. 

Now is the time for the memories to hit you so hard you lose your breath. Or the thought of forever with no more Him drops you to your knees,literally. 

I’ll survive. I always do. Doesn’t make this any easier at all. 

I kinda always felt like I was the one actively doing the ‘keeping in touch daily’ thing and if I stopped so would He… now I know that I was right. Hurts just as bad tho. 

And nothing stops the Neverending list of what if’s and questions running through my mind. 

Nothing. 

Even my dreams are haunted with terrible endings of Him and I..

Fuck.
 

I wrote this before I knew how bad this had gotten… I was still thinking I’d survive this, silly girl. 

Dear Universe,

It’s been awhile since I have had sleepless nights due to something other than a baby or little ones, do 14 year olds count as littles still because they do to me,  but they are back.. and they have brought their friends Racing Heartbeat and Loss of Breath, 2 of my least favorite bed partners..

I’m only here to save myself. The constant movement of writing distracts the anxiety attacks that are filling my nights. Usually Runt does a good job of distracting me, or Beastie but it’s lights out here and has been… sleep won’t come and the scenes that fill my mind haunt me..

I don’t want to put much down here cuz that makes it that much more real..

I don’t want to be able to come back to read the ache of this. I don’t want to remember how this feels.  I want to forget it. I want to not feel anything like this again. I can’t.

I won’t survive.

I’m barely surviving now.

And have to figure out again how to not let it get to me.

It is what it is.

I’m  destined to be nothing.

I started this post 18 hours ago, in bed while the rest of the house slept and my mind raced. I’ve had sleep now, a little bit at least, and feel less like I’m going to lose it.

For now.