I wrote this before I knew how bad this had gotten… I was still thinking I’d survive this, silly girl. 

Dear Universe,

It’s been awhile since I have had sleepless nights due to something other than a baby or little ones, do 14 year olds count as littles still because they do to me,  but they are back.. and they have brought their friends Racing Heartbeat and Loss of Breath, 2 of my least favorite bed partners..

I’m only here to save myself. The constant movement of writing distracts the anxiety attacks that are filling my nights. Usually Runt does a good job of distracting me, or Beastie but it’s lights out here and has been… sleep won’t come and the scenes that fill my mind haunt me..

I don’t want to put much down here cuz that makes it that much more real..

I don’t want to be able to come back to read the ache of this. I don’t want to remember how this feels.  I want to forget it. I want to not feel anything like this again. I can’t.

I won’t survive.

I’m barely surviving now.

And have to figure out again how to not let it get to me.

It is what it is.

I’m  destined to be nothing.

I started this post 18 hours ago, in bed while the rest of the house slept and my mind raced. I’ve had sleep now, a little bit at least, and feel less like I’m going to lose it.

For now.


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