Saying Goodbye hurt… Never saying Hello again is killing me.

Dear Universe,

I’m nervous as I sit down here to write. My hands are trembling and I have butterflies in my belly, I’m a bit nervous, and it actually has nothing to do with my sad and hurting heart. Of course I am sad and broken, otherwise, would I really be here again? Sobbing out all my sorrows to a Universe that could give a flying saucer about me? Yeah, probably not.

This time is different though… I say that a lot I know but this time it is. I have kept to much of what has been going on the last few years to myself. For lots of reasons but mostly because I am so protective of what we found that I didn’t want to put it out in the Universe. I didn’t’ want to share it with anybody. And to be completely honest I was so wrapped up in soaking up every second that we could together that by the time we were apart I was only trying to maintain enough until we could be together again.

Is this where I put in the backstory? Do I even need to put a backstory? Just thinking about having to type out Our Story makes me want to gag because the ending is nothing that I imagined it would be and yet it’s the everything and nothing I knew it’d turn out to be. For the sake of the internet I will put a bit out there…

We met at a time that I was more broken and alone than I had truly ever been. The ugliness that I had been living, since long before Moon made an entrance, had taken a turn for the absolute worst and was at that point in time… non existent. I chose at that time to fill my time with the wonderful world of online dating. Can ya blame a girl? I’m a fool!! Basically after MONTHS of just putzing around and meeting NO ONE, because honestly I had no intention of ever meeting anyone!! I didn’t even entertain the idea of setting up a ‘date’ and the few times that the issue was pressed I moved on and they quickly lost interest.. until 1 night… I was scrolling through old messages and came across a profile I had messaged months before with no response, but after stalking His profile again I decided I was going to send another, “Hey there” message. This time He responded, and there was a moment (a very fucking long one) where I could replay our first conversation over in my head almost verbatim. Partly because we only messaged a few times late into the night the first time and by the next day He had somehow convinced me to meet him for coffee by noon!!!

I have no fucking idea what came over me that day… I probably will never know, at least while I’m walking this earth, but it was one of the BEST and WORST choices I’ve ever made.

I pulled into the parking lot a bundle full of nerves. WTF was I doing?! I was supposed to be filling my lonely nights with some innocent (insert huge eye roll) talk not setting up coffee dates and meeting my soulmate.

But that’s exactly what I did.

I got out of the car. Walked across the parking lot and was greeted with a huge hug by the person who literally completes my soul.

We talked for as long as our busy schedules would allow, said our goodbyes and from that instant on my soul/heart/being was changed.

Within hours we blew off all of our previous schedules. I got a babysitter for my littles and we were back together at Applebee’s bar being the annoying and obnoxious couple that sits on the same side of the booth, staring into each others eyes between horrifying PDA kiss scenes. I actually became that chick at the restaurant that you want to fling your pickles at.

And I didn’t care one little bit.

The only thing I cared about was being as close as humanly possible to Him. We didn’t even have to talk. Sitting next to him with our bodies touching, our lips pressed against each other, and hands intertwined it was like the 2 of us didn’t need to use words to communicate. Our souls were doing all of the connecting and we were just there for the ride.

I have never experienced something like our connection before.

And I know that I never will again.

But sadly it just wasn’t our time. For some freaking reason the Universe was always fucking against us!! We spent 3 years trying to figure our shit out. There were few times that I was fully convinced we were going to do it. Just thinking about it now takes my breath away.. We were so fucking close… so many times.

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