More on Him… Less on my sanity.

Dear Universe,

When I’m tossing and turning in bed at night I write the most fabulous posts.. in my head.

And then when I find the time to sit down with the keyboard I get this.. nothing.

Words just jumbled in my brain, all trying to escape at once and everyone trying to communicate with someone else. And it fucking sucks. How can I write when I can’t find one thing to stick to? It’s exhausting.

Almost as exhausting as no sleep.

Almost.

I am trying my hardest to avoid the topic of Him. But if I want to get my crazy out, here is where it should happen.

Maybe someday I will open up about more of my life here than just my broken, tender heart but that just gets too deep into the rabbit hole.

And I’m so broken without Him…

We didn’t stick to our words.

Promises were broken and love was abundant.

I came alive in His arms, and mouth.

I needed to be reminded that I hadn’t made our story and connection up.

He is real.

Our love is undeniable.

Connecting is immediate, still.

I’ll never be done loving him.

We could live a thousand lifetimes, I will find him.

I have to.

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last 3 years.

Not to diminish what I felt before, because at the time I had never experienced what I have now, and those were the strongest I’d felt at the time.

But now…

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my throat turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet.

I could, and did, lie in his arms for hours, not saying a word, while at the same time the two of us couldn’t have been more in sync with another being if we tried.

Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary, and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best, and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone else.

I actually thought I had found the 1 soul who would or could, never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms, sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing.

But most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together…. there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who He says mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooked up with for months? (Probably not, because in His defense I am living with the Baby Daddy still.. *Reminder* this is a judgement free zone here!)

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again, SO we really shouldn’t fuck it up (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. I have played that role. I could win awards for that role!

Yet here I am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore..

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

I just wish my heart & soul did too…

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A sad broken road… To becoming whole.

Dear Universe,

I’m attempting to write again. It’s been so long. I have a ton more drafts filling up my draft folder but that is just how life is now I guess..

I have struggled to write here because of how ‘here’ came to existence. I wrote for Moon, for all the love that I had for him and what I thought was to become of US..

We are nothing now.

Yet still this blog exists.

It sits as a reminder of a life that I was certain would be mine.

Now we are nothing more than simply letters strewn together on a page.

I have attempted to put more words down here but I don’t have the passion burning inside that I once did.

It died with the loss of US…

It’s been quite sometime.

A lot has changed and very little all at the same time.

I have completely healed from the heart ache I once felt. I truly never thought I would say that. There are still moments when I deeply miss what Moon and I once shared but those moments are very few and extremely far between now. I also think about Moon sometimes.

After so many days/weeks/months/years, can you believe I still think about Moon?

I miss Moon. And I don’t I don’t mean I miss him in the way I once missed him, (like a lover) but the way you miss a friend, because honestly for a long time that is what I thought we were under it all.

I wonder if he ever thinks of me, also… not in the lovey dovey way but simply wonder if the images of US dance across his mind? Or did I truly paint that picture all on my own?

It was a long road to get here…

I was reckless, wild, free, and some might even say fun.

But there was also times of complete despair and utter hopelessness too.

I can report that I have and can feel things that are comparable, I won’t say they are the same because I don’t believe that you can have the same feelings/reactions/experiences with everyone hence the word comparable, to the feelings that he and I shared.

I was able to feel alive in the arms of another, again.

I had butterflies, giggles, and goosies, again.

I had a perma grin.

I hated to say goodbye, even if it was only for a few hours, but fell in love with hello’s all over, again.

I was a blushing, horny teenager, and I loved every second of it.

But sadly it just wasn’t our time and that relationship is no more.

And though it hurts and I feel sadness and loneliness, again…

I am hoping I will heal from this soul-ache also.

I just haven’t yet.

Will I?

This time, I’m honestly not sure…