To keep you super confused I’m posting a 2 in 1 for you guys… One from tonight and another from so many nights ago I’ve forgotten, you’re welcome.

Dear Universe,

Wow…

Time flies and the drafts folder builds. Rarely do I get to write, finish what I am attempting to write, and post all in the same day. Most of what I write ends up dead in the drafts folder; half finished posts remain that mostly cuz I don’t read what I write usually. I write and get it out aka post, and that is that. I don’t write any of this so that I can read it, I really think very few read anything I write at all, I write so I feel a little bit less crazy.

Tonight I’m writing so that I can avoid images of Him with his new one. I have used up all my distraction time for the day. All of the littles are down and the big ones are distracted. The house is actually silent.

And we all know how silent is the fucking worst thing ever for a crazy overactive mind.

So… instead of lie awake and run my cell phone battery dead flipping through aps and favoriting shit I am never going to make or visit I came here.. to attempt to get a little of the crazy out.

Maybe some day I will have the time (and the desire) to put Him to paper. Now is not that time. So instead this will be jumbled, not make sense to some, confuse a few of you who may have been since the days of Moon(I will someday also update this and separate out Moon and make room for the new connections in my life but that is going to take a long weekend away with no interruptions haha), others will barely take the take to have made it this far, so anyways…

All that matters right now is that He is with someone else, but there’s so much more to this story and like I said last night I need to hold some accountability too in all of this. We both have shit to figure out.

Maybe He has been right all along. Maybe we are meant to be but now is just not our time.

But how do you know it that is the case? How can you tell if you are supposed to walk away for the better time and that you aren’t really walking away and wimping out?

Adulting sucks.

It is so complicating.

Throw in a shit show like this and I’m living life exhausted 24/7.

Perhaps if there is more writing after this then I have found the time to dig in the drafts and copy a hidden unfinished gem and add it to what I have unfinished tonight.

Will you really get a 2 in 1 tonight? You lucky thing you.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last year. Not to diminish what I felt before because at the time I had never experienced what I have now.

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my mouth turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. and it all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet. I could and did lie in his arms for hours not saying a word but couldn’t have been in tune with another being if we tried. Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is most likely not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone (‘chick who means nothing and never could’) else.

I actually thought I had found the one soul who would or could never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms,  sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing, but most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together asap, there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooking up with?

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a  ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again so we really shouldn’t fuck it up with all these ‘Randoms’? (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. Yet here i am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore.. explaining why He continues to build relationships with people who He claims mean nothing.

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose Her and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

 

What happens on the weekends, stays on the weekend… Easier said/written than done.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently eating popcorn cakes, drinking coffee, and attempting to you write. All while The Little Mermaid plays in the background.

This weekend was exhausting.

I am currently actively participating in a relationship that is full of open and honesty, just only to certain people, that includes sleeping with others but not each other. Although every time we are alone together we are drawn to each other like magnets. My body reacts to him in ways that it has never reacted to anything before, and if you scroll back far enough here you will see that I have experienced some pretty amazing shit in my life while just writing here alone and the things I’m speaking of here make that look like child’s play, and it doesn’t even have to be provoked sexually. I am referring to simple looks from across the room, our eyes meeting and a smile formed, fingers slowly ran down my arms, a back rub, if there is any sort of sexual provoking just get outta here! It’s game over! All senses are lost, nothing else exists in that moment, I exist as one with Him and no one else.

It is magical.

And scary as fuck.

He’s dating someone else.

I live with the Baby Daddy.

We met during a time when both of us were not looking for anything more that some dating distractions while trying to navigate newly single life again.

But our souls met and it was like they were reunited after a lifetime of missing each other and reconnected within seconds of finding themselves again.

We were helpless to what was happening. I hung on to the craziness of the ride not knowing that it would last.

But here we are, over a year later we are still drawn to each other. We still return to the other seeking comfort in the absence of happiness the other experiences too. Both desperately trying to fill voids that were impossible to achieve.

We have been tried by some pretty big life events.

And yet we long to be together.

Did I mention that He spends the weekends banging someone else. And I’m supposed to be okay with that and sadly I am.

Cuz I can’t be who He wants me to be. I am too chicken shit to uproot my family.

Good mommies don’t do that right?

Fuck.

 

 

There are times when the tears threaten so quickly the burn behind my eyes takes my breath away… A few have even escaped.

Dear Universe , 

This. 

My text to Him tonight… I might be breaking. 

Dear Universe,

I’ve finally lost it. 

I can’t do this anymore. 

I love Him. 

I can’t share him any longer. it breaks my heart and kills my soul. 

Dead. 

The first 24… First cut is the deepest is right

Dear Universe,

I have successfully (if that is what you can call it) made it over 24 hours now without contacting Him in any way.

And He has been successful in not reaching out to me either. But then again He never did seem to have a problem with staying away, especially when He was doing the wrong shit.

But for me it has been a constant struggle with myself to put the phone down, delete the text or email, basically every second of the day. I’m practically sitting on my hands over here to not reach out to Him, begging for this pain to end.

And it is so fucking exhausting.

I’m sure, no I’m positive there will come a time when I’m not counting the hours since we last spoke… but now is not that time. 

Now is the time for the memories to hit you so hard you lose your breath. Or the thought of forever with no more Him drops you to your knees,literally. 

I’ll survive. I always do. Doesn’t make this any easier at all. 

I kinda always felt like I was the one actively doing the ‘keeping in touch daily’ thing and if I stopped so would He… now I know that I was right. Hurts just as bad tho. 

And nothing stops the Neverending list of what if’s and questions running through my mind. 

Nothing. 

Even my dreams are haunted with terrible endings of Him and I..

Fuck.
 

I wrote this before I knew how bad this had gotten… I was still thinking I’d survive this, silly girl. 

Dear Universe,

It’s been awhile since I have had sleepless nights due to something other than a baby or little ones, do 14 year olds count as littles still because they do to me,  but they are back.. and they have brought their friends Racing Heartbeat and Loss of Breath, 2 of my least favorite bed partners..

I’m only here to save myself. The constant movement of writing distracts the anxiety attacks that are filling my nights. Usually Runt does a good job of distracting me, or Beastie but it’s lights out here and has been… sleep won’t come and the scenes that fill my mind haunt me..

I don’t want to put much down here cuz that makes it that much more real..

I don’t want to be able to come back to read the ache of this. I don’t want to remember how this feels.  I want to forget it. I want to not feel anything like this again. I can’t.

I won’t survive.

I’m barely surviving now.

And have to figure out again how to not let it get to me.

It is what it is.

I’m  destined to be nothing.

I started this post 18 hours ago, in bed while the rest of the house slept and my mind raced. I’ve had sleep now, a little bit at least, and feel less like I’m going to lose it.

For now.

 

I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

Sleepless nights are here again… And the baby isn’t even here yet.

dont worry

 

 

Dear Universe,

Like I do anytime shit is just too much for me, I came here to write it out. Because let’s be honest, that’s what I do. I am so much better at typing it out then saying it out loud.

I didn’t think that I had been writing much but after coming back here again I notice I have been writing a  bit more than I thought. And I had put down a lot more here than I remembered. Mostly about Him.

But I am feeling so much that I needed to put it somewhere so here I came.

And, like every other time, I am at a loss for words now that I am here.

I guess I opened up more to Him last night than I usually do. But I don’t usually because I think it’s for the better that I don’t pour out all the crazy I am feeling. It won’t change our situation right now and I figured it would only make it harder. I mean come on here, there is no possible way I thought someone would actually just ‘wait’ around for months while I got my crazy shit together. But apparently if I had poured the words out it would have changed things.

I’m not really buying it.

I think the only thing that would have done would have been proven just how freaking lame I am when it comes to Him.

I seriously don’t need that again.

So oddly, I held it all in this time. And it ended no better than when I word vomit everywhere.

So… yeah.

We spent hours texting last night. But the only thing that accomplished was reminding me of how much I crave Him when he’s not around. 37 minutes last night literally felt like at least 2 hours.

Pathetic.

I found myself holding my phone while dozing off finally around 3ish, after I spent the night staring at it looking for the notification flashing.

More pathetic.

And now, now I am sitting here thinking I shouldn’t text anymore but dying inside from not blowing Him up. If I knew for certain he was alone right now I think I would be blowing Him up. But I’m pretty sure he’s not and although I don’t care if He sees how weak/pathetic/lame I am for Him, I damn sure don’t want anyone else to.

So instead I will sit here and pour a lil crazy out the only way I am truly good at.

Blogging about it.

The last message we had was something about how I was not going to text him until he text/call me because He has been so distracted at work and it’s not great for his job. He responded with something like, yeah sure you won’t.

And I haven’t.

I wont.

I know how hard it is for me to not contact Him. I know how many times a day/night I have to stop myself from not reaching out to Him.

And he used to reach out to me all the time.

Lately it has been less and less often.

I am just going to sit it out and see how this plays out.

No longer will I go above and beyond after I have already expressed myself crystal clearly and the other person knows it all. At that point it is in there court and if they take too long to return I will not be sitting around here sobbing like I used too.

I have loved and lost before and I am sure that I can love again. This will not break me or make me. It will only strengthen and inspire me.

Mic drop.

 

Another introduction of the new character in the drama known as my life… And our falling in and out of, love story.

20160726_205407.png

 

Dear Universe,

What do you say when it’s the same old story but different characters?

I can say I’m not broken.

I can say that I am able to feel again but trust, well that is a whole different story.

Especially when you hear the same old crap time and time again. This time it was different, or so I thought. But isn’t that what everyone says? “this one is different, this one would never blah blibbity blah fucking blah..

Well I thought that.

And this time was different.

In different ways.

So of course when shit got crazy I sat down and wrote it out… to Him.

And so we have another love story…

 

Good bye my Almost Lover,

I don’t know where to begin or what to say.

I have said it all and then some in the last 24 hours…

I feel like there is nothing left to say and yet a lifetime left of words to be spoken.

How much more open could I have been? I literally gave all of myself that I had to offer to you, at a time when I was more vulnerable and broken then ever. I opened up my heart/soul/life/bed/home/family to you. I trusted you with the things that are the reason for my existence. The ONLY reasons that I continue to get out of bed every fucking morning.

Because lets face it, I was hardly existing the fucked hand I had been dealt.

But you walked in.

At a coffee shop.

And all of a sudden all of the blurry, fuzziness in life came into focus and suddenly everything was vibrant and colorful. I felt, what I can only describe as an electrical buzz, in my being, like I all of sudden knew what it meant and felt like to connect with another soul. I literally felt my soul connect with you.

Within hours of meeting you my soul craved closeness with yours in a way that I will never be able to put into words but will spend my lifetime trying to.

I can’t even explain it now.

All I can say is WoW..

And I haven’t even gotten to what it is like to be in your arms.

I can’t, and don’t even want to try to, explain what the feeling of being wrapped in your presence, feeling you on my body being surrounded by all of the amazingness we were making.. it is indescribable. literally.

I have dreamt of feeling the emotions and feelings that you produced in me since I was a little girl.

I even thought I found them once in my life. That is basically the reason I have a place to write this currently, because I thought I had found ‘the one’ but I was so very wrong and broken.

But then that Wednesday in the café happened and I realized that everything I had thought I knew about love was just childs play compared to what I was feeling being with you.

I was so wrapped up in the connection that I found with you that I was foolish with my heart and trust. You listened to my stories of hurt and sorrow. You stared into my eyes as I opened up to you and poured out all of the pain I had in my being. You convinced me with your words, as you were wiping the tears from my cheeks, that you would never hurt me and allow the same tears to flow because of you or your actions.

and yet when they were flowing and I could no longer hold them back.. You sat there. Unmoving. Staring. Not once even thinking of wiping a tear or caressing my face.

Instead they leaked down my face.

My heart and soul feeling like it is literally being flushed from me. I feel like I gave myself to you. I know I gave myself to you.

I even begged you not to break me, especially not so soon.

And I was stupid and trusted you. I trusted the love I was so convinced was out of this world. And you shattered it.

I know that it seems like something so miniscule to you but to me it is everyone of my terrible nightmares come true. I told you how used I had been when it came to relationships. I told you how insecure I was when it came to other women, especially exes. I truly thought you were listening to me and cared enough to take what I was saying into consideration.

I was wrong.

I don’t know how this could ever be again.

I will spend every second we are apart thinking of you connecting with other people, especially A.

I will question every noise your phone makes when we are together, not to mention how many times a day the thought will run through my mind when we are apart,  and never believe that it was only a fantasy football alert or a reminder alarm (even if that is truly all it is).

I already have a constant video dialogue of what the 2 of you talk about and how quickly you would return to her, or someone else, the second I walk away.

I will never trust what you have to say at face value. I’m fucked that way. I told you that.

I will forever feel hurt and disrespected that you did what you did even after I brought my son to meet you. I literally felt comfortable enough and trusted you enough with what means the most to me in the whole entire universe. and you shit all over it. You didn’t even want to take the opportunity to get to know my kid. Instead you spent the time texting someone who supposedly meant nothing to you while ignoring the child you had waited so long to meet.

I’ll never understand that.

I was so honored and privileged to be able to spend time with your children that the last thing I would have ever thought to do would have been to text with someone who supposedly was nothing to me. I had guilt having to deal with the situation I had to last weekend around them, and you know how unavoidable that was..

I don’t know where I am going with this. I’ve typed over a thousand fucking words and still there is about a lifetime left to get out.

I don’t remember why I started writing to you tonight. I think I was trying to answer  some of the  questions you had asked me but I obviously got off on a tangent and probably missed all of them and then some…

And to be honest I don’t even know what I wrote up to this point… MOst likely a whole bunch of nothing..

Which is exactly what I feel right now…

 

How easily the words come to me in a post… Not so much in Life.

let him go

 

Dear Universe,

I think I went 23 minutes, plus sleep time, before I gave in and text Him. Pathetic I know but really that is what I am when it comes to Him, pathetic.

We haven’t talked only text because talking = crying to me and I’m sure annoying to Him. But do you think that stops me from contacting Him? Well, if you have been following my blog at all you know I am a class 5 clinger so me quietly going away and letting go is near impossible.

Through messaging today we accomplished nothing.

I miss Him.

But I know talking is not what either of us need. I would find it hard to ask about any and every tiny detail about the new chick. I want to know if when they first me the connection was so instant and powerful? Were they unable to be apart the way we were? Did they have to find a way to sneak off again within hours only to spend the time snuggled and staring like silly teenagers next to each other? Did he spend hours in a parking lot close to her? Does he get an indescribable feeling when around her? Does she run through his mind at the most random times? Does every fucking thing remind him of her?

So yeah, pretty much why I don’t have a ton to say when we communicate because that is the fucking crazy running through my mind.

And then He asks why I have been so distant the last 4 months?

What?!

Are you fucking serious?

For so many reasons, but most of them I can’t tell Him.

How do you tell someone that the reason you stay away and push and push is because whenever you have any contact with them it feels like there are teeny tiny magnets filling every cell of your being and they tingle and get warm and feel like they are being pulled toward Him, even if it’s a phone or text convo… And if we are in person. Fo’get about it! He’s running his hands across my body? I’m a fucking puddle, literally.

Lameness. That is what that is. L. A. M. E. And so fucking embarrassing.

I may have said it before but the connection is physical but not sexual, although it can be sexual, very, very, very sexual, but it also can be not at all. I can sit next to Him and feel connected. Like we are on the same wave length. Our things are doing the same things. It’s so strange. And so frightening.

I have never felt something like this before.

And life had it’s own plan and ideas.

And now I am sitting here, trying to find it in me to not reach out to Him, not to beg Him to just wait for me to get my shit together and see what life has in store for me the rest of this wild ride I’m currently on.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that.

I wont ask someone to wait for me. There is no guarantee I will be here in 5 minutes let alone 5 months or more.

I thought before when I met Moon that I had found my soulmate. I know now that eventhough I allowed him into the deepest parts of my soul that we were not connected the way that Him and I are (at least we were never given the chance to see but even at our closest I never felt the feels I do now). I don’t know how to explain it but something crazy and insane and beautiful happens when we are together.

And I am having the hardest fucking time letting go.

Imagine that.