The privilege of meeting, knowing, and loving you… I’ll never forget it.

Dear Universe,

I thought I smelled Him today.

For a split second, in the middle of 1 of the busiest places to be, with thousands of people around, I caught myself searching the crowd for Him. I was convinced that He would be right there, he had to be, I could fucking smell him.

But as quickly as it came it was gone.

And I was left standing in the middle of a stream of flowing people, searching for someone who will never be close enough for me too smell again.

I miss Him so bad.

I wake up each morning and 1 of the first things I do is look at His picture. And at night when I’m tossing and turning, I pull out my phone and stare at His picture, again. I usually throw in an I love you… or even I miss you…

I miss His face, smile, eyes, beard, hands, fingers, lips… you get the point I’m sure.

I don’t know if I will ever stop missing Him.

This is such a different connection and relationship than anything I’ve ever experienced before and the severing of it is torture.

I’m trying my hardest to write but honestly even having to type these thoughts into reality is making my stomach hurt.

I just keep telling myself that He chose to be where he is. I’m not saying that I didn’t help make his decision a little bit easier being so chicken shit…. but he is ultimately responsible for his own choices, regardless of what I did or did not do.

I’m just trying to keep reminding myself that.

I’m failing.

Miserably.

Not even donuts taste the same.

Dear Universe,

I don’t want to not know Him anymore.

I can’t stop from missing him.

I miss his scruff. I miss his touch. I miss his kids.

I still find my throat going dry, my heart racing, and tears streaming down to my neck, at any given memory.

It sucks.

And it hurts.

It’s hard to remember to forget when he was literally a part of almost every piece of my life for 3 years.

He’s every love song that comes on.

He’s every lavender bubble bath I take.

He’s in every crash of the waves.

He’s every full moon and star.

He’s every pork chop I force myself to cook.

He’s every donut I choke down.

He’s everything.

He’s not mine.

Help me.

So this is Christmas… Baby, please come home.

Dear Universe,

I just miss Him.

I still wake up every morning exhausted from a restless sleep full of me searching desperately for Him..

I am pretty much 100% positive that having your mojo stolen is a real thing! And He took mine! I try not to get TMI on the personal information, cuz you know.. I’m not a sex blog… but I haven’t orgasmed since He left.. and that’s a WHOLE other story…..

He is still the last thought through my mind at night and the first face my mind sees every morning…

I am trying so hard to be okay. This is what He wants (or apparently doesn’t want💔) and all I can do is accept that.

I wanted to message Him today, cry about how I had so many ideas for us this Xmas, how I wasn’t planning on not having another season with him. Tell him how Santa sucks because He was the only thing on My List and he’s still nowhere… but mostly I want to know how he forgot about me so easily? Could I get some pointers? I could really use the help..

I’m trying…

I pinky.

That is all I got… Merry Tuesday..

Broken in dreams… Shattered in reality.

Dear Universe,

He finally showed up in my dreams.. in the worst way possible, to break my heart a little bit more..

I’ve spent every night since He left looking for Him, especially in my dreams. He’s been nowhere. It’s been devasting and exhausting all at once.

He deleted me from every part of his life in my dream, his new girlfriend made him, and he was happy to oblige. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore.

I was wrong.

I woke up bawling, a tightness in my chest that was unbearable and an aching in my soul that wasn’t going anywhere… and even with the tears running down my face and neck and the hurt buried deep in my being, I still tried to fall back asleep to find Him again, to see Him another second… even if that meant so he could break me further.

I’ll never stop needing Him…

I can’t stop loving Him.

I die every second we aren’t together… And you don’t even notice that I’m gone.

just like that

I haven’t called or text you all day.

Did that stop the thoughts of you from running through my head constantly?

FUCK NO!!

I literally had to stop myself from reaching out to you all day. Every second I think of you.

And it kills me that you don’t ever think of me.

It kills me that you are just fine living the rest of your life without me.

Were you relieved today that I was not bothering you?

Did it feel good to not have to avoid my call/text all day long? Did you even notice that I haven’t called?

Have you thought about me at all today?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you think about what life is like without me and does it make you happy?

Are you excited to live the rest of your life without me?

I spent the day concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other so that I wouldn’t stumble and fall. I focused on taking in deep breaths so that I wouldn’t forget to breathe. I constantly had to talk myself out of contacting you and tried to distract myself from thinking of you and how I would survive the next few seconds without you.

How will I survive a fucking lifetime more?

Will I?

Do I even want to?

It doesn’t matter if I want to or not because I have to.

You decided to live without me and now I have to learn how to live each second without feeling anything but dead and empty.

I miss you every fucking second of every fucking day and I will for ever.

I love you.

I’m yours.