I have successfully (if that is what you can call it) made it over 24 hours now without contacting Him in any way.
And He has been successful in not reaching out to me either. But then again He never did seem to have a problem with staying away, especially when He was doing the wrong shit.
But for me it has been a constant struggle with myself to put the phone down, delete the text or email, basically every second of the day. I’m practically sitting on my hands over here to not reach out to Him, begging for this pain to end.
And it is so fucking exhausting.
I’m sure, no I’m positive there will come a time when I’m not counting the hours since we last spoke… but now is not that time.
Now is the time for the memories to hit you so hard you lose your breath. Or the thought of forever with no more Him drops you to your knees,literally.
I’ll survive. I always do. Doesn’t make this any easier at all.
I kinda always felt like I was the one actively doing the ‘keeping in touch daily’ thing and if I stopped so would He… now I know that I was right. Hurts just as bad tho.
And nothing stops the Neverending list of what if’s and questions running through my mind.
Even my dreams are haunted with terrible endings of Him and I..
Posted by moon lover on January 10, 2017
I miss you.
I’m sorry I have lost my Believe. I feel like I could almost feel it, like the arms of Believe were almost close enough to engulf me in their love but instead they were shoved away and disappeared like smoke in the wind. I feel like there is barely anything left to remind me what it was or that it even existed.
I am currently typing one handed due to little guy demanding a back scratch, now belly rub along with a night in Mama’s bed. And I love every second of it (: I find his little snores and sleepy snuggle-closer’s soothe my aching heart and remind me that I can feel love, I do feel love. Sometimes the numbness takes over and hides the good I am capable of feeling, tricking me into thinking that I am not able to love or feel love. Two seconds with these two and I am immediately reminded that love is real.
I miss you. I’m gonna snuggle in to my little bed bug and listen to his little lullaby snore and try to ride it to wonderland.
Posted by moon lover on August 10, 2012