The first 24… First cut is the deepest is right

Dear Universe,

I have successfully (if that is what you can call it) made it over 24 hours now without contacting Him in any way.

And He has been successful in not reaching out to me either. But then again He never did seem to have a problem with staying away, especially when He was doing the wrong shit.

But for me it has been a constant struggle with myself to put the phone down, delete the text or email, basically every second of the day. I’m practically sitting on my hands over here to not reach out to Him, begging for this pain to end.

And it is so fucking exhausting.

I’m sure, no I’m positive there will come a time when I’m not counting the hours since we last spoke… but now is not that time. 

Now is the time for the memories to hit you so hard you lose your breath. Or the thought of forever with no more Him drops you to your knees,literally. 

I’ll survive. I always do. Doesn’t make this any easier at all. 

I kinda always felt like I was the one actively doing the ‘keeping in touch daily’ thing and if I stopped so would He… now I know that I was right. Hurts just as bad tho. 

And nothing stops the Neverending list of what if’s and questions running through my mind. 

Nothing. 

Even my dreams are haunted with terrible endings of Him and I..

Fuck.
 

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I die every second we aren’t together… And you don’t even notice that I’m gone.

just like that

I haven’t called or text you all day.

Did that stop the thoughts of you from running through my head constantly?

FUCK NO!!

I literally had to stop myself from reaching out to you all day. Every second I think of you.

And it kills me that you don’t ever think of me.

It kills me that you are just fine living the rest of your life without me.

Were you relieved today that I was not bothering you?

Did it feel good to not have to avoid my call/text all day long? Did you even notice that I haven’t called?

Have you thought about me at all today?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you think about what life is like without me and does it make you happy?

Are you excited to live the rest of your life without me?

I spent the day concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other so that I wouldn’t stumble and fall. I focused on taking in deep breaths so that I wouldn’t forget to breathe. I constantly had to talk myself out of contacting you and tried to distract myself from thinking of you and how I would survive the next few seconds without you.

How will I survive a fucking lifetime more?

Will I?

Do I even want to?

It doesn’t matter if I want to or not because I have to.

You decided to live without me and now I have to learn how to live each second without feeling anything but dead and empty.

I miss you every fucking second of every fucking day and I will for ever.

I love you.

I’m yours.

In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again…

I miss you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I have lost my Believe. I feel like I could almost feel it, like the arms of Believe were almost close enough to engulf me in their love but instead they were shoved away and disappeared like smoke in the wind. I feel like there is barely anything left to remind me what it was or that it even existed.

I am currently typing one handed due to little guy demanding a back scratch, now belly rub along with a night in Mama’s bed. And I love every second of it (: I find his little snores and sleepy snuggle-closer’s soothe my aching heart and remind me that I can feel love, I do feel love. Sometimes the numbness takes over and hides the good I am capable of feeling, tricking me into thinking that I am not able to love or feel love. Two seconds with these two and I am immediately reminded that love is real.

I miss you. I’m gonna snuggle in to my little bed bug and listen to his little lullaby snore and try to ride it to wonderland.