I die every second we aren’t together… And you don’t even notice that I’m gone.

just like that

I haven’t called or text you all day.

Did that stop the thoughts of you from running through my head constantly?

FUCK NO!!

I literally had to stop myself from reaching out to you all day. Every second I think of you.

And it kills me that you don’t ever think of me.

It kills me that you are just fine living the rest of your life without me.

Were you relieved today that I was not bothering you?

Did it feel good to not have to avoid my call/text all day long? Did you even notice that I haven’t called?

Have you thought about me at all today?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you think about what life is like without me and does it make you happy?

Are you excited to live the rest of your life without me?

I spent the day concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other so that I wouldn’t stumble and fall. I focused on taking in deep breaths so that I wouldn’t forget to breathe. I constantly had to talk myself out of contacting you and tried to distract myself from thinking of you and how I would survive the next few seconds without you.

How will I survive a fucking lifetime more?

Will I?

Do I even want to?

It doesn’t matter if I want to or not because I have to.

You decided to live without me and now I have to learn how to live each second without feeling anything but dead and empty.

I miss you every fucking second of every fucking day and I will for ever.

I love you.

I’m yours.

It’s just me… The one who wanted nothing more than to be with you. Past tense.

image

I have wanted to write all day. I have NEEDED to write all day. I just haven’t had the time or energy to do it. I have had to pick myself up off the floor, more than once, today and remind myself just to breathe. Literally.

I don’t know how to put into words what I am feeling. Crushed/broken/shattered/alone/empty/numb/burning/dying/afraid… do I need to keep going? Probably not but I most likely will…

Today has been one of the most emotionally exhausting days I have had, well this year I guess, but seriously in like EVER. The way I felt this morning… Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I can still remember the cold sweat that broke out all over. The way the blood sounded rushing through my ears. The stabbing sensation in the pit of my soul. The hurt that seeped into my bones. I can remember it all. Its running on replay in my mind. Even now, just writing about it, brings the horrible feeling in my stomach. The feeling that nothing is right and it never will be again.

When we said goodbye tonight the oddest thing happened. It was like I could feel you leaving me. It felt like the strangest thing, like a tingling, empty feeling all over my body. I cab only describe it as US being torn from my soul.

Weird. Strange. Crazy. I know.

I know there is so much more to say but i don’t have the energy. My eyes hurt so bad they sting and burn. But as soon as I close them scenes of you calling her baby; using the mouth, that said so many wonderful, beautiful, amazing things to me, on HER vagina; walking with her; telling her you miss her; and every other ducked up thing that is playing in fucking repeat.

I need to sleep. I need to escape this.

I hate that you’re possibly snug as a bug, thinking of her, and dreaming sweet dreams. I hate that you talked about me, and how I wanted nothing more than to be with you, like it was a bad thing; like you were annoyed that I wanted you, while she wanted nothing to do with you.

Fuck you.

I loved you with every ounce of my being. From the very depths of my soul.

For nothing.

Why?!