Being up since zero-dark-stupid had resulted in No Title Sunday… Sorry about that.

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I should be sleeping. That is what normal people do on Sunday mornings.

I hate normal people.

I haven’t been writing as much as i would like, partly due to the inconvenience of writing on a cell as opposed to keyboard but also just don’t know what to say anymore. Or don’t know how to say what I’m thinking/feeling. The worst is when I know exactly what to write and how to write it but don’t have the time. Its times like those I wish there was a way to screenshot my thoughts to save for a later time, like now when the thoughts and feelings are there but too jumbled to get out.

It could be due to the lack of sleep, exhaustion, loneliness, hurt, or a mixture of them but what ever it is I’m annoyed and over it.
I can tell that this is going nowhere good so perhaps I should just end it now.

I miss you. I need you, in my life, always. I don’t remember what it is like to be wrapped in US but I know if I’m not reminded soon I might not make it much longer…

I love you.

I’m yours.

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Some say tomorrow the World may end… My love for US never will. Promise.

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I figure I should I write, the end of the world is coming you know and I would hate to not be able to, what with being dead and all.
I wish I had some great story to write, about how beautiful and wonderful our love story is. But we both know that would be full of shit.
I have distanced myself from you, emotionally mostly but in other ways as well.
I have to.
There is no other way to fight US. If I let myself slip at all and fall into the magic of you it’s almost impossible to shut it out.
I can literally feel you ignite US, from the depths of me I feel the tingle and slow burn of US begin and if I don’t immediately block it out… Well, I don’t really know what would happen because I have always fought it and I’m terrified to find out what would happen otherwise.
So I will continue to fight US. I can’t even write about it any longer because just recalling the feelings and putting them down makes my heart race and my breathing irregular, the butterflies start to flutter and well… Just a bunch of things start happening so as usual I can feel myself begin to shut down.
Had to distract myself and put the writing thing on hold. Things are getting pretty bad if I literally can’t even write about US without the tingle starting. I don’t know how much longer I can fight it. It’s becoming so hard. I’m sorry if my distance is hurting you.
I’m hurting too.
I’m sorry if you feel like I don’t like you anymore or I am moving on or any other silly thought you are having because I’m not. I don’t even know how I could. It seems like there is no way to forget about US, not that I truly want too, it’s like US has branded my soul and there is no way to ignore it.
It is so easy to get lost in you. It is so easy to fall into you and never want out. But I won’t allow that to happen. I can’t…
I want nothing more than to call you up and fall asleep to you. Just the sound of your breathing settles the violent waves that my sea of doubt toss about.
There are many things I miss about you, the soft gentle way you whisper to me, the way your love wraps around me no matter the distance, the way your presence awakens Her and makes get long for you.. It’s happening again. I need to stop myself. I’m sorry. For some reason I feel as though I could write forever but the emotions that are surfacing are scary. And I’m exhausted. Lonely. And you’re not here, yet somehow I feel you all around me…
ugh…. I’m ending this now. Before I say anything (else) I may regret.
I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry.
I’m yours…

I hear you say you love me, I feel your love (sometimes), but I miss your voice so much… Will we ever spend time as US again?

I feel like I am on my knees, crawling, begging, you to spend time with me. I am sometimes rewarded with some. Saturday I got hours, yep I said hours, with you but it’s not enough. I want to not be second, third, or whatever worse I am to you right now. I want to not have to hear, ‘ I don’t know yet, I have to check with ______ ,insert your friends name here, and I will let you know’.

Really?

Why don’t I matter? Why do I have to beg and wait to spend some time with you?

I know that I say I love you. And I do. But do you really think I will sit here and play second to your buddies? Because I won’t.

I will love you forever. I will like you for always. But if you keep me waiting… who knows.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

Take it slow baby. I want to make love… Whispered words that are playing on repeat right now. Damn, I want you. Again.

I should be spending my time doing something more productive like cleaning the house but I don’t want to. I want to write out all the amazing I am feeling. I want to put it here, where it belongs, for US to come back to and be reminded of what we are capable of being.

I don’t know how you know when I need to feel loved. I don’t know how you can snap be back to US so quickly. I don’t care how you do, I only care that you keep doing it.

When the lunch and the shower went forgotten I assumed it would become what it usually does, a frantic fuck session. No way was I expecting the soft, tender, love or the gentle, whisper like caresses. Your whispered love spoke straight to my soul, igniting a fire and snatching my breath. I spent almost an hour riding the dips and swells of orgasmic bliss.  

I know that there is no way that one amazing, soul grasping, orgasmic day could ‘fix’ US completely but I know that we are on the way. I know that no matter where the path leads US or what is put in our way we will be standing side by side, soul to soul, always.

I love you.

I’m yours.

I often wonder how long you will ‘Understand’… I’m hoping forever. I’m wishing for always. I’m expecting not much longer.

 

So my idea was to get on here and write out all the ugly, nasty, mean words that are floating around in my head but I wont because I know that I am only hurt and sad right now. I know that I am not really angry and wouldn’t mean any of them if I did say them so then having said them would have been for nothing but to be mean. And I am a lot of things but mean is not really one of them. I don’t think anyway.

So instead, all I got for now is an I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being crabby and bitchy and moody and sad and all the other horrible things I have been lately. I need you, I need you bad but I won’t let myself believe it or even think about it really. So I take all the need and turn it into anger, mostly at myself but some a lot of it leaks out and spills onto you and I’m sorry for that.

I’m sorry for everything.

 

 

 

 

 

One doesn’t forget about ones Moon. Ever.


Guilty. Guilt. Tons of it. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look. I can’t escape it. And I fucking hate it. I don’t like to feel guilty. I don’t do things that make me feel guilt. Guilt is an emotion that I avoid but for some reason I am smothered in it.

I have to focus on my situation here. I have to focus on making here livable again. I got so lost in US; the blackness crept in and almost stole everything from me. I need my attention to be here. You are distracting. You are what I dream about. US is the love you read about in those sappy fucking romance novels. But US can’t be. Not now.

I’m sorry.

I’m still going to write you. I know that walking away right now is going to be one of the hardest things I have done. But I have to. I will try to write whenever I have the urge to talk to you. I am hoping I will find comfort in writing to you because you have always cared so much about what I have to say. Everything. Even the stupid, dumb, whiney, bullshit that I usually give you. You would sit there, listen, and love.

Thank you. Thank you for being strong for me. Thank you for not making this any harder than it already is. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for loving. Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing me what love should feel like. Thank you for showing me that I could feel a love like US, a love so fierce, passionate, intense, and powerful that the memories are burned into my soul forever.

I will miss you.

I already do. I miss you the second we part. I always do.

I won’t say good bye. Now or ever.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.

 

Pain, pain, go away. Sleep, sleep, come and stay. I miss you.

 

I hurt. It’s physical pain now, I like this pain. I can focus on it. I can distract myself with it. I can medicate myself for it and the pain actually lessens. I can’t wait for it to go away though.

I am so exhausted from not sleeping and hurting so much. I am going to force myself to shut off the computer and snuggle under the covers and focus on healing. And sleeping. I so want to sleep. I am so in need of sleep. I hope we can sleep.

I need US sleep. . .

I am ready for you to be here now. Are you here yet? Are you done yet? Okay, I am getting off and ready for bed now.

I love you. I will be here, waiting. Always…