I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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Scattered thoughts from a sunny spring day. . Too bad my heart is so cold.

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Dear Universe,

My drafts folder was filling up quite nicely for a bit there but now it sits lonely and forgotten.. I’ve been trying to go with the flow and just live but it only works for a little while before life knocks me down again.

I’m back.

I am here to write another day.

I’ve been encouraged by a few friends lately to start a blog.

If they only fucking knew…

So here I am.

Attempting to write in the few spare minutes I have because clean/tidy houses are overfuckingrated anyways and like I’ve said so many times before writing fucking saves me.

I have for so long only wrote about the parts of my life that include Moon and have left any and everything not him or US out, or try to anyways, but again I’m going to try to get some of the crazy that has taken up space.

The Baby Daddy and I have reached an all time low when it comes to communication/decisions/life in general etc and he has taken his emotional abuse to a whole new level. I have slowly opened up to people close to me, not by choice but after much prodding/coaxing, and they have been instrumental in helping me realize just how bad things really are.

I think I was able to ‘bandaid’ it all before because I had Moon there to support me and comfort me but since he has left it has become almost unbearable at times. I have seriously considered getting in the car and driving away, as far as I could go and start again, but reality and the love for my Littles always keeps me here putting one step in front of the other and trying to keep the smile on my face. It works sometimes, most of the times usually, but a lady can only take so much before she wants to fucking snap.

I haven’t had the time or energy to write at night or anytime really but there have been times I wish I could. I am considering carrying around a notebook and pen but I doubt I would ever have the time to post them over so it would be pointless, the feeling of my fingers across the keyboard is what is the most comforting to me and I wouldn’t get that with a pen and tablet anyway.

I’m feeling a bit proud of the fact that I have been dealing with some shit lately and haven’t ran to a guy to cover up whatever is going on. I have done the opposite actually and pushed away about any male that has tried to get close physically/emotionally/anything.

And I like it.

I also like that the episodes of missing Moon have become fewer and farther between. .My breath is barely taken anymore and the hurt is so sudden I can almost forget what it feels like.

I don’t remember why or what I was saying in this post, as usual so I guess I will just end it here before I go off on some other random tangent.

Maybe someday I will write about my crazy buckwilde downward spiral I went on right after Moon left and tell you about a few of my dating ‘meet ups’. Maybe I’ll write about Coach Spanks or Muscle Guy, although Mr Legs is quite an interesting one too…

Just thinking back I don’t even believe some of it myself and it was me there making the fucking memories…. Oy vey.

Another time Universe. Another time.

Some nights getting personal is what I do best. . . Sorry I’m not sorry.

if love again

You have ruined orgasms for me.
I don’t know how to type too much without being TMI but before you orgasms, I thought, were fantastic sometimes border lining on amazing.
Then my soul met you and orgasms were one in a long list of many things that were forever changed.
Tonight I’m talking about the orgasms.
You’ve been gone for so many moons I have lost count.
I have had quite a few orgasms since that terrible day in the summer; some of them with you most of them without.
I have had orgasms by myself.
I have had orgasms for others.
I have had orgasms with others.
I have had orgasms with new lovers.
I have had orgasms with old lovers.
And then I have had orgasms with you.
And nothing compares.
It has nothing to do with the sex either.
It has any and everything to do with the way we connected on every level. When we were ‘together’ it was like every cell in our bodies was connected to the other person. When you whispered in my ear I felt it all the way down to the soles of my feet. When we would orgasm I felt it in every sense of my being, physical/emotional/mental. My body and soul respond and connect to you in a way that I don’t think it’s capable of doing with any other; at least not for a very, very, very long time.
Did I get too personal tonight?
I’m sorry.
No I’m not.
This is my place.
Personal is my thing.
I am sorry that I wont be connecting with you in those ways anymore. I’m saddened that you now have connected with someone else in these ways. Just typing it makes my skin crawl, my nose burn, the tears well in my eyes, and my heart is racing.
I will never get over the love you have for anyone else.
How the fucking fuck did you get over this love?
The only thing I can think of is you got over it because you never felt it on the level I did. That is the only explanation possible. Because if you did then there is no fucking way you would let anything come between it.
Fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
And I still don’t feel any better.
I’m off to eat sushi and watch the Labyrinth.
I’ll wallow in my sorrow with Hoggle. He makes me feel a little bit better.

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

If the love you share is mad, passionate, crazy, unforgettable, eternal & comes from the depths of your soul and HE WALKS AWAY… Then He never meant a thing he said and you’re better off without him!

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I was going to continue to write here but I am not.

I don’t feel better when I write to you anymore and really I don’t have anything left to say to you.

Or your EX WIFE who decided to stalk me down and read this (and I’m the crazy, psycho right?).

You were the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.

I will walk away with my head held high and only take the good that I got out of US because, no matter what anyone wants to think or thinks that they know, we made so much good!

You showed me that even though you were a phony/fake/lying/cheating lover, I am able to love from the depths of my soul with a love that is everlasting.

I know that I can allow someone in and see the deepest darkest parts of me.

I have learned through all of this that the love I felt and the amazingness that was made, came from my soul, the depths of my soul, which means I can feel all of these things again.

I just have to find someone worthy of the love that I have to offer.

And you are not that person.

But I am learning now, quicker than ever, that all of the good things that you said I had other people see in me as well and they voice them to me. Maybe they have been saying them the whole time but I have been so deafened by our love that I didn’t hear them.

But I am hearing them loud and clear now.

And I am trying my hardest to not brush them off or shush them but to take each one with a smile and a thank you instead.

Oh, and I did want to give you one more THANK YOU for calling/texting/sexting and video messaging the other night and then leaving with a FUCK YOU again after figuring out you weren’t getting anything.

Mucho appreciated!!

How nice for you to waltz back in for only sixty-ish minutes, because I am sure that either that little girl or someone else became available that was more important than me, and pretend to care and love and miss me telling me how much you do but then immediately switch to a fuck you, you’re done?!

You make me laugh!

You don’t have the option of being done!

Because you never had another chance my dear!

I meant it when I said I will love and care about you forever!

I truly will from the depths of my broken, but healing,  soul.

But I will love myself just as fucking much.

And I will NOT  allow myself to be surrounded by people who are neither honest or sincere, people who lie, cheat, and treat me with no respect, who are cold-hearted and soul-less, who tell me one thing to my face while telling some little kid/EX-Wife/friends that I meant nothing to you and were nothing but just some chick you used to date, that I am crazy and won’t leave you alone and keep blowing up your phone (has your phone rang or have you received a text from me in weeks? Didn’t think so, with the exception of the EX incident) while never telling them that you have been filling me full of bullshit lies and texts/emails/voicemails/video messages/love sessions begging me not to give up that you loved and wanted me blah blah blah…

You were all of those things to me.

I had to revise the ending and remove my snarky comments to your EX, just in case she decides to come back and take a peak, because I realized that bitch has no place here and never will.

How fitting that this song just came on Pandora while I’m posting my final goodbye…

In all the world… there is no better heart for me like yours.

In all the world… there is no better love you for like mine.

~Maya Angelou

I think you need reminding of us… before you toss us away forever.

https://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/2012/04/19/amaze-me-with-the-gentleness-of-us-baby-please-i-need-to-be-reminded/

I’m so sad… I don’t know why we keep having the same fight.

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I have too much to say…

I’m pretty fucking sure you could find most of what I have to say if you read through the blog. I’ve pretty much said it all before.

I wish your actions matched your words.

I wish your words weren’t full of lies.

Ugh…

You have found a way to ignite my soul again… And I love you always.

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Ok here goes attempt ‘I don’t know how many’ at writing. I don’t even know if I have the words for what has gone down the last few days.

UNBELIEVABLE

A M A Z I N G

IMPOSSIBLE  

I could find a few million more I’m sure but I don’t have the energy to do it right now. On top of all the craziness that we are going through right now, it seems that I have come down with some type of bug. I don’t know what it is. I’m drained I know that; in more ways than one. And I don’t really know how to process it. I have spent so much of the last few days wrapped in the love of US that I don’t really get a chance to process what has happened.

I don’t have the energy to write about what I am feeling. You continue to amaze me, damn near by the second, and I don’t know how much longer this will last. I’m hoping forever, I’m wishing for always, but of course I am expecting not much longer…

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry that you are showing me love like I have never experienced before and I am too fucked up and broken to fully accept it. I don’t ever want you to feel like I am not appreciative of your love or the way you are always so full of US… I am. I am sooo thankful to have found you. I am so grateful to have found someone on this planet that can ignite the passion, fire, desire, love, and touch my soul in a way I never thought possible.

It’s just that though.. I never thought a love like US was ever really a possibility. I was just kinda making through this life of mine with the fairytale of US lighting the way. I never thought it was REAL. I never thought that I would really be on the receiving end of a lover that wants nothing more than to make me feel e v e r y t h i n g in such intense ways.

I am so hoping I am wrong and you are right.

Talking to the Moon just came on and I had a sudden panic attack. That used to be our song. It used to be the theme song to US.

You ruined that.

I forgive you.

I always knew deep down that I would. I’m sure you did too. Because somehow you continue to fight and believe in the love of US..

But its the FORGETTING that is soooooo fucking hard!

I try to not let the scenes of you and her run through my head but they do, usually at the worst times possible, and I can’t stop them. It’s easier when you are there because when you are around you are so good at pushing them aside and quieting them. But as soon as you are gone the thoughts and craziness come screaming back.

Well, you are back from what you had to do and even though I am SURE I spent much of my last few posts talking about how much I was over you and would never let the love of US in again I was full of SHIT!!!

In your arms, wrapped in your love, reconnecting with your soul is where I want to spend forever.

To the Luna baby…

Rawr.

This is the best part… And other things I used to believe.

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You’re still here huh? I was thinking you might be. You keep saying you’re never leaving me, but you know how I don’t believe in anything like that, and somehow you haven’t yet.

I was going to go somewhere with this early. I can tell because I titled and saved, which I rarely do without having wrote a substantial amount, ‘write/scream/cry/plead/whine THEN title’ that’s what I always say, but i don’t know were it was.

Maybe I was trying to remind myself to write about something when I had the time.

I’m sure it was about this afternoon, and lastnight, and how I soooooo miss being with you, being US, but how I have somehow locked away all the good and made myself forget what US feels like. (I’m guessing that’s it since all of a sudden i feel like i have a million things to write about)

Hearing you say, ‘This is the best part, afterwards…’ brought a memory of before with it that almost took my breathe away.

I remembered thinking the same thing some time ago. I vaguely remember laying there, trying to catch my breathe, heart still racing, body still tingling, and thinking, ‘Fuck, this is what amazing must feel like.’ I can remember a feeling so intense with you that it was like our souls intertwined, my being became your being, sparks felt like they were running along my skin, I felt the love of US like I have never felt anything before; and I’m sure never will again.

I remember then thinking, this can’t be real, people don’t feel this. I remember trying to convinc that i was imaging things, trying to not let myself believe a feeling so foreign.

I must have done a pretty good job because I was able to block it out, not believe…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I don’t believe… If I ever believe in anything it will be you. I promise.

I’m sorry. Just because I don’t believe… doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

I’m yours.

Dear Universe, Please show me something Amazing today… Make me feel alive.


 

Hey there.

I miss you. I want to lie in bed with you all day and just get lost in your love and snuggle into you, wrapped in your arms, forever. In your arms is the only place that I feel safe, it is the only time that I am able to fully breathe.

And that scares me. I need to be able to be okay on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to fall asleep at night and not constantly be woken with nightmares.

I guess I am going to stop this now. It isn’t making me feel better for some reason. I am feeling a bit worse right now actually.

I am going to blast some music, my specialty, and get lost in cleaning, until I can get lost in US.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.