I’m sorry I made you mad…

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I’m yours… Even if you don’t want me.

Only one more night of this year. Fuck to the yea…

You better be drinking that glass of water and taking those tylenol… I’ll meet you in our dreams butthead.

I’m mad at you.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.

I hate alcohol. It is annoying. It is hurtful. It is stupid. And it is a waste of fucking time and money. So please if you feel like getting loaded next time drop your phone in the toilet or something so that we don’t have another one of these fucking nights.

I love you.

I’m sorry that I hurt you today. I’m sorry that I don’t have the love capacity that you do. I’m sorry that I have been so shattered that it makes loving you so hard. I wish I could love you. I wish I could make you feel the love that you make me feel.

But I don’t know how.

I don’t know how to love or be loved without hurt or meanness being involved.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. If I was capable of loving I would love you. I just don’t know if I am capable. And if I find out I am, I don’t know if you will still be around.

I miss you.

I need you.

I’m yours.

Did you read that last part by the way??

I’m Yours….

Your 1ish is more like 2ish then? Or is it more like when/if you get around to me? Just checking… Oops, seems like a bit of the angry leaked out. I miss you. I love you.

 

I’m sitting here. Waiting for you. Again. I’m always waiting for you lately. I hate it. I hate the uneasiness I get in my stomach when I sit here and wonder if you are going to call or not. And if you don’t, which you usually don’t anymore, and then I have to sit here and go crazy wondering why you aren’t. I of course go to worse case scenario, it’s the half glass empty in me, and the imagination and hurt grow from there.

I write to you a lot in my head. I find myself throughout the day ‘talking’ to you. Saying what I would if you were here. One Thing just came on the freaking radio and I am not even attempting to hold back the tears, there is no point, you are my One Thing. I have no idea what I was saying or writing before because right now all I can think about is US, laying for hours listening to music and each other, falling into a love so deep that the loss of it cant help but be felt in your bones.

I don’t think I was ever really ‘there’ in terms of believing you wouldn’t leave or that the love of US was enough, blah, blah, blah, but I was so close I could almost see it.

But now, now, I can’t even imagine it let alone see it. I feel like you will leave me.

I know you will leave me, because somehow I’ve become unimportant to you.

I don’t think I ever really asked for that much but all of a sudden me just expecting you to answer your phone is appalling and suffocating.

I don’t know how to process that. I don’t know how to go from having you be there for me whenever possible to this, me having to pencil in time with you; and even then you rarely follow through.

I feel like I am in a tailspin. A part of me, the dark, scary, and broken part, finds a sick comfort in your absence. I know how to deal with hurt, lies, and meanness, it’s my thing, I am okay in a horribly sad way with you being AWOL so I try to hide it and keep you at arms distance but the rest of me and my soul, we don’t know what the fuck to do without you.

So I sit here. I miss you. I try to busy myself with music, cleaning, chores, the little ones that own my world, work, and anything else I can to distract me from the hurt of missing you and the darkness that screams you won’t be back because it’s just not worth it.

On a complete me move I have wanted to apologize for my mini breakdown this am. I don’t know what got into me. It could have been the lack of sleep or the not-so-nice words that usually start my mornings, or it could have been that the pain and fear of losing US was just no longer avoidable but whatever the fuck it was I’m sorry. I was mad at myself all day long after that. I hate showing you the weak in me. I hate not being able to just act like I don’t care and that I don’t hurt to the core from missing you and sometimes I cant hold it in and there was a time, in the way distant past, that you cared and wanted to hear what was going on and how I was feeling. And I needed to get it out. I just wish I would have had the time to get it out here, instead of to you. I really don’t need to add to the craziness where you are concerned.

Well, I am going to put an end to this pity party here and call it a night. I have a few chapters left to read in Fifty and I find it so easy to get lost in the love of them. It reminds me so much of the love of US in so many ways. You are my Fifty. I would do anything for you. I will love you no matter what. Forever.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

This is why I didn’t want to get excited for Sunday. I never thought it would happen anyway. I guess I just kinda hoped I was wrong. I hate when I am right.

One of the hardest things for me to accept with you was your unconditional love. I have spent much of my life chasing, begging, and waiting for love. Never expecting to find it. Well not the unconditional, can’t live without you, feel it in the depths of my soul, kind of love.

Then I met you.

You tried to convince me that a love like US existed. You were so persistent. You never tired of loving me. Slowly you pecked away at the wall surrounding my heart and planted your tiny seeds of believe. You worked nonstop at nurturing and loving the tiny seeds, making sure they blossomed and bloomed.

For what?

Nothing. For fucking N O T H I N G.

 

 

 

I often wonder how long you will ‘Understand’… I’m hoping forever. I’m wishing for always. I’m expecting not much longer.

 

So my idea was to get on here and write out all the ugly, nasty, mean words that are floating around in my head but I wont because I know that I am only hurt and sad right now. I know that I am not really angry and wouldn’t mean any of them if I did say them so then having said them would have been for nothing but to be mean. And I am a lot of things but mean is not really one of them. I don’t think anyway.

So instead, all I got for now is an I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being crabby and bitchy and moody and sad and all the other horrible things I have been lately. I need you, I need you bad but I won’t let myself believe it or even think about it really. So I take all the need and turn it into anger, mostly at myself but some a lot of it leaks out and spills onto you and I’m sorry for that.

I’m sorry for everything.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m putting on my angry eyes… And moving the F on.

I’m angry. I’m angry a lot now. I think I am so done with being sad that I have turned my sadness to anger. I know deep down I am not angry, that really I am just so sad and broken all the time and I am sick of being ‘sad’ so now I don’t get sad.

I get angry. At everyone. Everything.  All the fucking time now.

I’m sorry.

I think….

 

 

 

Anger turns to tears, a decision is MADE, and a blog is BORN…

 

I updated the blog today and added a new page because looking back at early posts they were as jumbled and wacky as my head… I hope that this helps the story of US a bit easier to understand. So I decided to POST a copy of it here (: 

The following are emails that I wrote to Moon but knew that I would never be able to find the courage to hit send. We had not been in communication for quite awhile and at the time I had no idea if he was ever coming back or what was happening. So, instead of sending a gazillion emails to him and look like a CrAzY I started just writing them and then saving them to the drafts folder of my email.

After they started stacking up I decided I needed a better place to hold these tears of my soul.

So, on October 27th, 2011 a blog was born. These are the ’emails’ that started it ALL (:

Writing to Moon along with the love of US is what has saved me. 

So sit back, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and hold on tight… This is definitely going to be a BuMpY ReAd….

THE EMAILS….

OMG where did the weekend go & why does it seem like it has taken SO long to be done with.

I haven’t heard from you since Sat evening when C started puking but it seems like so much LONGER. . . the days have ran together, lack of sleep does that, C is finally sleeping after being up since 12:30 am LAST night he didn’t sleep ALL night!!  He lay next to me in bed watching TV spoiled baby (: It was nice to have him to snuggle up with (: Mama Time now. . .
      
I’m  listening to Angel by Jack Johnson and the TEARS won’t STOP flowing. I feel like I really am cleansing my SOUL (: Sometimes you just have to cry I guess. I’m gonna keep writing to you in these drafts because its the only way I have to vent what is going on in my f’d up head without losing the tiny grasp that I have left here.  YOU were the only one who would listen to me ramble for hours over nothing and NOT complain about it (: Geesh. . . way to SPOIL a girl (: I need to stop trying to wipe away the tears because my cheeks and under eyes are starting to hurt and they don’t stay DRY for very long anywhoo, its hard not to because they tickle my cheeks (: This is going to be ALL over the place and not make since that’s what is so FUN about it. I should have started doing this LONG ago and maybe I would have been a bit more sane, doubt it (: 
 
I hear that you are happy with where you are right now and blah, blah, blah, and I’m really HAPPY for you I am. I truly wanted you to be happy with you and Little Man, it’s just that… HOW? How could you be happy and fine already? I’m so BROKEN and it hurts SO bad to know that you have her there LOVING you and holding you and telling you and EVERYthing  that turns my stomach JUST thinking about. . .     I KNEW you would always leave in the end BUT can u blame a girl for wishing that I would be WORTH fighting for? I know it sounds silly, deep down I’m GLAD you didn’t fight for it, but it doesn’t matter to my ❤ right now, I would feel so much better BUT it would be so much WORSE for you, I just NEVER thought YOU would give up this easily (*: I really ALWAYS thought that you Really thought we had something to fight for. I guess that is why I thought we had something to FIGHT for, because YOU did (: its really kinda funny though, makes me giggle a lil, I guess I really knew all along how it REALLY was, I just TRIED to convince myself that WE were different. we were the exception. silly girl (: I know why you had to. It HAD to be you, because I was NEVER strong enough to walk away. . .
    
I guess really I just feel stupid, I KNEW it would be this way in the end, I did, and I think u did too. . . BUT it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter that I knew it was WRONG, that I knew it would END, none of it mattered because it felt RIGHT. Plain and simple being with you felt RIGHT. Thinking way back to when we 1st started talking I kept trying to explain how I felt when we were laying there but there was no WORDS that could explain it because I, at that time didn’t know what it was & then there was a day that I was laying in my room and all of a SUDDEN it hit me, EVERYthing felt RIGHT like it should be, I felt like laying with you, talking with you, playing with you, just BEING with you felt RIGHT. Like I was RIGHT where I should be. & that is the hardest FEELING of all of them to let go of.
 
I feel like I need to NAME it (: Like I need to name my ❤ for you and LET IT GO. Sharpie that shit on a balloon and LET IT GO (:

If you hear about planes getting caught in a balloon storm, don’t worry it’s just me trying to LET GO of you. . . I don’t know if there are enough balloons Moon but KNOW that the next rain storm we get I’m taking my balloons and sharpie out to the beach and we are gonna have a lil g’bye party babe (: wish you could be there but that is SOOO not the point (: rules were however MEANT to be broken (: says the chick who has been breaking ‘girl’ code for months now (:
 
Mazzy Starr came on Fade Into You. . . will ALWAYS remind me of you (: If ONLY it was that easy, to just fade into you. . .
 
Geez I think this might really be working, I feel BETTER, I feel like I can take a deep breath again, you always did know how to bring me down (:

To make you feel my love came on by Adele (: what a perfect song to wrap up my cry session (:
 
I want to end this by saying that I have NO ill feeling towards you, I wish NOTHING but the BEST for you and Little Man, ALWAYS (: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. . . to make you feel my love. . .
 
G’night my Moon ❤ 

Its funny how there are moments when the PAIN just takes my breath away (*:

I am saddened by this but also find comfort in it at the same time. I ACTUALLY loved like everyone wants to (: I LOVED someone so COMPLETELY that the pain of losing them takes my breath away. not everyone can say that they have LOVED like that (: I AM capable of LOVING with my whole SOUL again. . . and for this I thank you Moon (:

I started this particular writing around 9ish tonight and its now after midnight almost, I can’t stop writing down things that I am feeling. I can’t stop myself from coming back here and venting my ❤ to you. It’s what I have been reliant on for months now & I just can’t seem to stop cold turkey. it was NEVER this hard before, ya I whined and bitched about how much I missed you, and I did I really DID but this is a different kind of HURT, its a deep in the gut of your stomach hurt, a hurt that you know NOTHING will take away except what is HURTING you the most right now and it WONT be taken away so you just have to DEAL hurt. Maybe I am crazy (: maybe ALL this I’m writing about and THINKING that I’m feeling I’ve just made up in my head (: maybe you were never REAL in the first place. I know you were never Really mine. . . but it was GREAT while it Lasted and NO ONE will or EVER could take the WAY you made me feel & the LOVE you made me feel no matter how HARD they try! Because I KNOW you & you are GOOD people (: and GOOD people never lie about LOVE ❤

I’m gonna try to sleep again, have to keep turning it to find a ‘dry’ spot (: . . . g’night my moon RawR. . .

Hey Babes I’m back.

I made it thru another NIGHT (if you consider tossing, turning, crying, NOT sleeping MAKING it thru) w/out you and I EVEN woke up to tell about it (:

Imagine that. I NEVER knew how good it felt to write shit down (: Its like with the tears of missing you flowing and my crazy thoughts let out my SOUL is being cleansed (: sounds crazy I guess but to me it makes sense.

I find myself often drifting off, replaying some random scene of us talking. Super ooky and psycho I KNOW but it is something that I cannot (and don’t really want to) stop for now & am just getting used to the sense of being in this weird foggy void where I am living, doing things, talking with people, but yet just not REALLY being there, like I’m just doing the actions on some sort of auto-pilot.

Scene from yesterday. . . 

C: Mom I’m STARVING.

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s dump in bowl add water put in microwave. 

15 mins later

 C: MOM I’m sooooo hungry

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s LOOK for noo noo bowl (yea I know CRAZy again a BOWL just for noo noo’s, but hey it makes the kid happy and that makes me sane) cant find it, microwave beeps to remind me there is something in it, oh yea its the noodles I GUESS I must have made earlier. Ooops sorry C mama kinda sucks right now ):

I’m leaving the HOUSE today (: I’m taking the baby and I’m going to do a lil bit of ‘baby’ therapy and snuggle my sadness away (: I have complete FAITH that I will be without sadness for MUCH of the time I’m snuggling that lil guy because there is just no way for ME to be sad while in the presence of a baby (: thank goodness for babies ❤

Well I should go put on some mascara and lip gloss grab my sunglasses and FAKE it till I MAKE it (:

Miss you with my EVERYTHING. . . Rawr ❤

 

 

I’m back so soon. . . .

I haven’t left the house yet. maybe I’m really hoping that something goes wrong and I just end up HAVING to stay home locked up in my room in the dark w/my sadness. . . I REALLY need to get out of the house!! I can’t stop thinking about what u are doing now that we are where we are. . . I just keep imagining you sucking up and saying how I was NOTHING how this whole THING was NOTHING and how sorry you are and how much u wanna work it out and blah fucking blah. . . but at the same time there is this little thing in my head saying there is NO way this is what is going on that you just CANT get in contact with me right now NOT that you DONT want to. I guess it’s the evil crazy bitch in me that wants you to be as MISERABLE as I am.

I want you to lose sleep, not eat, forget to eat, and WANT to sleep so bad just to escape ALL the scenarios that are running thru your head. NOT have ANYone to talk to about how sad you are because YOU are the reason YOUrself is sad. And deep down KNOWing that you deserve EVERY second of sadness and hurt you feel because YOU did this. Can you believe it?! That’s how bad I want you to hurt because this is how I AM hurting. I KNOW it as I type it. EVERYthing above is TRUE, I did this, I am the REASON that I am sad, & I deserve every second I get. . .

I don’t think I have anymore TEARS to cry right now, I am drained, emotionally, mentally (fo’sho), and my body CRAVES restful sleep, not the sleep that you JUMP awake because the dreams are so vivid and HURTful, not the sleep where you wake up with your cheeks wet from the TEARS that really were falling, in your dreams and on your pillow ):

I will sleep RESTful again (: Maybe not for a few moons but. . . Oh well. . . my MOON was worth it (:

 

I guess my sadness has temporarily turned to ANGER

But mostly that is due to the FACT that I’m still receiving messages telling me to stop calling your house blah, blah, blah. I can only assume that is because YOU are spineless when it comes to the situation and ALL the talk that you talked was just that, TALK, to get what you wanted from me when u wanted it.

I have yet to go back and read your emails because that would just be pouring SALT in the wound. But something in me wants to read them so bad, I want to believe that even for the few SECONDS that I’m reading them, you really did mean what you said. All of your ‘the man who wants to be your everything’, THAT one makes me laugh as well as the saddest. The worst part is that I made you as much my EVERYthing that I could, and LOOK where that has left me. HERE, ALONE, trying to FIGHT my way out of the darkness but FAILING miserably. . .

I know that I’m NO one to you, and I’m just some crazy bitch, BUT when I said that I was broke and unfix-able, I really thought you understood and CARED. HA!! what a joke that was. Was I just a game to you? Did you really just USE me to pass the time?

Sometimes I don’t really believe you were REAL. . . can you believe that? even though I have spent MONTHS with you day and night. . . I FEEL like I imagined you. I always said when you weren’t talking that it felt like you weren’t REAL to me. . . and now that you ARE gone. . . its like I made this whole thing up in my head. Was I really happy? did I really spend the last few months LIVING? or was it all in my head? have I just been here making you up so that I could continue to put one foot in front of the other just to get thru the days, weeks. months?

I guess you are more Casper to me then EVER before. . . I feel like I’m going CRAZY. . . crazier than I have ever been. . . NOW that is CRAZY (:

I am still here. . .

I am still making it thru the day. I am still wondering WHY. . . why did I EVER listen to any of the bullshit that you fed me. Why did I NOT listen to myself and FIGHT EVERYthing I ever felt for you and ALL your BULLSHIT!!

HOW? HOW did you walk away from me?? How did you LEAVE me and NEVER look back? HOW did EVERYthing you EVER said to me turn to NOTHING? HOW Ribbie. . . HOW?? Please explain it to me SOMEONE!! TELL me tell me how someone could try so HARD to get convince someone to let their walls down, CRUSH them to nothing and then. . .continue LIVING their life, like NOTHING has happened? like EVERYTHING you said to me WAS garbage?

WHY? WHY would you FUCK with me like that? I thought I made it clear that I COULDNT survive another ❤ break. I was SERIOUS. I know that sounds RIDICULOUS but, I really can’t survive this again. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do ANYTHING but go OVER and OVER every conversation we had, trying to see HOW I could let you FOOL me so.
I really did believe you, deep down I believed EVERY piece of BULLSHIT you have ever said to me. I thought you cared, I thought you felt but WORST of all, I thought you LOVED. . . .

 

I’m done being angry at you.

I burnt one for the day and OF COURSE thought of you. & I have decided that it doesn’t matter WHAT you or ANYONE else says NOW, I KNOW that when & what WE had was REAL!! It was REAL to me then & it is REAL to me NOW and FORVER!! I don’t believe that you would EVER hurt me intentionally. I don’t believe you would LEAVE me if you didn’t HAVE to, I do BELIEVE if we lived in a PERFECT world where wishing on a star really worked YOU would BE with me! You would CHOOSE me if the choice was yours ALONE, I would be your choice. Even if that is not what you WOULD choose. To ME, that’s the ONLY choice that makes EVERYthing we HAD make sense. Because I LOVED with ALL I had and I FELT that you did too.

This has brought me some bit of closure for now. I don’t know if you will EVER READ this WHOLE thing if you ever do I am sorry I have not re-read ANYTHING I have wrote and for that I am SORRY. What I wrote was REAL and RAW emotions that I was feeling at the time. I may keep writing to you. Maybe I will blog to my Moon (: LoL who knows? this Really helps with what I am feeling at the time and getting out there and then leaving it and moving ON from it. SO again I am sorry if I see things differently than you.

I’m sorry that this is what our STORY has become but I WONT say goodbye This is not where OUR story will END. . . .

I will only say. . .

UNTIL we meet AGAIN my MOON. I will MISS you & Rawr FOREVER ❤

 

A few lingering questions…

Do you ever think of me?? Do I ever CROSS your mind? Does the PAIN stop you in your tracks sometimes like it does me? Is there REALLY something/someone stopping you from contacting me, like I SO hope, OR are you not contacting me by CHOICE of your own? Was this your OUT?? Have you been hoping for her to FIND out so that she would REALIZE what was right in front of her the WHOLE time? Do you HATE me? Do you REGRET? Will we EVER get closure. . . . . . . . .