Broken in dreams… Shattered in reality.

Dear Universe,

He finally showed up in my dreams.. in the worst way possible, to break my heart a little bit more..

I’ve spent every night since He left looking for Him, especially in my dreams. He’s been nowhere. It’s been devasting and exhausting all at once.

He deleted me from every part of his life in my dream, his new girlfriend made him, and he was happy to oblige. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore.

I was wrong.

I woke up bawling, a tightness in my chest that was unbearable and an aching in my soul that wasn’t going anywhere… and even with the tears running down my face and neck and the hurt buried deep in my being, I still tried to fall back asleep to find Him again, to see Him another second… even if that meant so he could break me further.

I’ll never stop needing Him…

I can’t stop loving Him.

Same hurt… Different day.

Dear Universe,

I can only get so far into our story before the emotions take over and the hurt makes it too hard to continue. I always have great intentions of sitting down and getting out as much of the crazy as possible but I usually fall so deep down the rabbit hole so quickly that before I know it there’s too much sadness to see through and it is just too difficult to go on.

I am always shocked and surprised how long the hurt sticks around. Also how time is not your friend in any way during the ‘first’s’ of any heart ache. Time is supposed heal but all it does is remind how long it has been since I have talked to Him, touched Him, heard from Him… every fucking thing….

I slept in his shirt for two and a half weeks, straight, in the beginning… It was the only was I was able to sleep. I’d pull my legs up into the bottom and take my arms out of the sleeves and basically just wrap myself in Him… I can’t find that shirt now….I have shoved it into the back if my closet at a lame attempt to forget Him. Which is funny now because there was a time that I literally had a panic attack looking for that shirt, I couldn’t sleep without it remember.. pathetic.. I know…

It’s harder the longer it goes. I want to drown myself in memories of you but instead find myself hiding from any sign of you. I found a video of you telling me goodnight, you love me… I’ve watched it until my eyes have nothing left to cry… I’ve also found long lost voicemails from you but I have yet had the courage to listen to any of them. I can’t.

The only time I’m not physically thinking of Him is when the activity I am engaged in requires thought or when I make myself not think of Him. Oh… and in my dreams. I can’t find him anywhere in them and that is terrifying in a whole new way.

I haven’t talked much about our connection but holy banana pancakes it is something I hope everyone gets to experience in their life! I have never been more connected with any other being ( except for the 4 kiddos I grew inside of me but that’s a whole different connection) before. I sound crazy when I say that my soul connected with his but it did. It was like our souls have always known each other and we were just the vessels that finally brought them back together. When I say that I felt Him I did so in a way that is indescribable unless you’ve experienced yourself.

During our relationship when we were in a not good place I could feel it in my being. My soul would ache if He did something and there was no way of me knowing, other than the fact that I could feel that something was not right with us. And when we were good.. well, I could feel that in my soul too. I could always “feel” him, we were always connected. But now it’s a different story..

I actually look for him in my dreams. It’s almost scary how I can’t feel. him at all anymore. Especially in my dreams. And then after a long night of seething my dreams for him I wake up in the night with tears streaming down my face terrified that He won’t be there when I open my eyes… and he’s not.

And then I am quickly reminded of the last few times I was able to doze in his arms, 1 of my favorite spots in this universe… I fit there, perfectly. But that only makes me feel worse… I wont be in those arms again. Never again will I jolt awake from a nightmare to be soothed by Him, his eyes filled with love, his lips full of tender kisses, shushing me back to sleep… those days are gone.

I spend more time than I’d like to admit wondering if He thinks of me. Do I cross his mind? Do small, stupid things remind Him of me? Does He regret walking away from me? Does He wish he would have walked away a long time ago? Will I ever stop loving Him?

I used to tell Him that if anything were to happen and our happily ever after didn’t come that I didn’t want to remain friends with him. I had more than a few freak outs where I was more than adamant that I could and would never be a friend to him if we weren’t an item. I was so wrong. I know that right now is way too soon to try to be anything but I know that someday I hope that we can be something. But could we? I don’t think I could ever look at Him the same way again.

I am always so proud of myself when I have made it through another bout of weakness to reach out to you. Like I deserve a reward of some sort. Like I have proved to you that I can restrain the crazy and not contact you, so now you can just come back.

Every day/hour/minute/second that goes by that I don’t reach out to Him means nothing. It only means time. I keep hoping that I have gone long enough and He misses me too much and that He will just call me. I just want to know how long is long enough? like how long do I have to go before He gives in? And then it hits me… there is no end to this game.

The end has come and gone.

Game over.

As soon as I hit publish I am off to apply some mascara… I hope it works.

I’m falling down the fucking rabbit hole again. I haven’t been to work in two days. I haven’t put mascara or lip gloss on in 2 days. I don’t wear much make up but if I don’t leave the house without mascara, ever. I was not a good mommy today. I knew I wasn’t going to be so I packed them up and drove them to my moms and drop them off, I didn’t even make it to the stop sign before the tears were flowing. I tried to ignore them and hide behind my sunglasses, I even turned up the music REALLY loud but I had to pull over for a bit and regain myself, there was no way I could have safely drove right then.

I got home and I dont think I was even in the house for four seconds before I was dialing your number. I don’t even care at this point what or why I was upset before, all I needed was to hear your voice. To know that there is someone in this universe who, wasn’t born of my flesh, that loves me and cares about me. As soon as I heard the ringing my stomach flopped and my heart dropped because I remembered that you aren’t that person anymore. Anxiety creeps in because then I start wondering if you ever were. And then I start questioning everything, every word, whisper, text, love that was from you. Were they all fucking bullshit? Was I just something to occupy your time while you were vehicle-less and bored? Did you only need me to make the lonely nights less lonely for awhile?

And this my dear is the craziness that has become my head. This doesn’t even mention any of the bullshit I am dealing with outside of US.

I feel like there is a stormcloud above me and it is shitting down buckets right now.

I feel like I am clawing to the side and my body is feeling the stress of it. I have been sick for the past few days I hurt all the way to my fingernails. My eyes hurt so bad that I wear my sunglasses inside due to the 100 degree sun blaring into my house right now. I am trying to sit in it to soak it up and convince myself that I can feel but it’s not working right now.

I think I am going to move my pity party outside for a bit. I have spent the last few hours listening to music and trying to breathe, it is working. I just realized that I don’t have to work again until Monday. I am going to be on the river in less than 16 hours with people that make me smile. I only hope that I can hold on to all of this positive for the remainder of the weekend.

I am going to go spend the rest of this day in the sun with the little ones who own my world and remind me that even if I don’t want to be here for me that I HAVE to be here for them.

I’m sorry.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, that’s what you do just swim, swim, swim… or else you’ll sink.

Why do I feel like sinking is the only option? I have this amazing amount of love from you and yet I want to sink to the bottom of the fucking sea?!? Maybe I haven’t had enough US lately. Maybe I have had too much US lately.

Maybe… just fucking maybe… I’m too MUCH for US….

I miss you. I love you. I don’t know if I will ever understand your love. I am hoping I can figure it out sooner rather than later. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for being so in love with ME. All of me. I love you for that. More than you will ever know and more than I will ever be able to express.

Goodnight my Moon. I miss you already… I love you even more.

Either it’s a panic attack or I’m dying.

I want to shut down. I can feel the panic starting to set in so I am going to write. I don’t know where this is going to go or what it is going to be about. I am just trying to distract myself long enough to take a deep breath because my chest and lungs literally feel like they are in a vice. Like I can’t take a full breath let alone a deep breath. Jack Sparrow is on in the back ground instead of the music I love so much. I guess I could just put on my headphones and iPod but that would require me to stop typing and I can’t do that just yet, I still can’t take a breath and I am almost a paragraph in now. What the heck is wrong with me right now? Why am I having a panic attack? I think that is what this is but I don’t every recall having one before and I can’t bother to Google it right now because again, that would mean I wasn’t writing. The pain is now an aching pull between my ribs. What is happening? I need to breathe. I need to focus on my fingers on the keyboard, slow, slow, breaths, okay, this is working. I am starting to type in less of frenzy. The words are starting to flow more than scream their way out. Let’s keep it up, just breathing, in and out, slow, breaths, okay. I got this I think. Just focusing on this and the words flowing is starting to calm it down a bit. I am starting to be able to breath a bit better. I miss you. I don’t remember what I was doing or thinking about when the dark started to set in but that was not cool. I am pretty sure that I was thinking about US. Mostly because that is what I am always thinking about these days, on here anyways. In real life, where I put on the dark sun glasses to hide these sad eyes, I don’t get to focus on US. I like that time actually. I like the distraction, I like being kept busy so that I don’t have to listen to the spewing yuck that is now a constant in my mind. It is when the world is quiet and sleeping that I hate. I hate when there are no distractions. When it is just me and old Jack Sparrow is when shit starts getting crazy (:

I need light. I need loud music, I need DANCE PARTIES in the car, I need mama kisses, and baby hugs, and I need you. If YOU were here when the world was quiet and sleeping… Well, lets just say the world of US would be anything but quiet and there would definitely be no sleeping, earth shattering pops to mind (:

And I know that with you I would fear the silence no longer.  

Well, it worked. It took a bit longer than usual but I am breathing. I believe. Just thinking about all of the distractions I described above brings a bit of sparkle back. I can find a bit of happy in thinking that US can make more ‘bring a smile to your face’ moments in the future. As long as I keep believing. As long as I can hold on to the happy, remember the tingle, and FEEL the love of US well, we should be okay. Sounds so simple. I fucking suck with simple.

I must get to sleep or at least attempt to lay here and toss and turn a bit earlier than usual tonight. I have a house full of munchkins that don’t care one little bit about US, they care about pannycakes and scramblies (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I am so sorry for all the CrAzY… I hope it’s worth it…