I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

There is a reason why I wear sunglasses all the time…

I have more to not write to you today.

I’m reminded again of how much I miss the way you listen; really listen, to anything and everything I have to say. I miss the way that I could feel that you really cared what I was talking about, no matter how silly or ridiculous it was.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I pushing away the one person that I think might actually love me unconditionally? Why am I so convinced that I don’t deserve the type of love US is?

There are so many answers to those loaded questions. I could spend days listing them. I don’t think I will tonight. I know that the one answer that trumps ‘em all is THEM. They are the reason why I am doing this. They are the reason that I am trading a love felt deep in my soul for a mediocre like….

I miss you. I’m sorry.

 

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing… Three things you should stop doing. And all the skeletons in my head and the reasons why you should hate me, finally revealed.

I can’t believe you want to fight harder for US than you did for your wife, kids, and family.

I don’t believe in forever love. I haven’t for a long time now.

I told you from the beginning that I was damaged goods and to stay away.

I never imagined the last year to be possible.

I loved you. I love you.

But I loved him first. I always loved him. I always wanted him to love me back. After a decade, two babies, a death that took a part of my soul, and fighting the BLACK-ness with him, and winning, I feel like I owe it to him and our babies to try.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. I expect nothing less than for you to hate me. But I can’t hate myself any longer. This is what I wanted for you. I wanted you to fight for your family. I wanted you to snap out of the mist of US and realize that you should run. I never in a million years would have guessed that the one who would, ‘go back to the X’ would have been me. I really was done. I had no idea I would ever go back after how volatile his and my relationship had become but the last few months He has come back. A little bit.

I’m so sorry.

I’m definitely settling. Do him and I have the take your breath away moments that US have shared? No, but he is back. Our family is back. And they are happier than I have seen them in a LONG time. And seeing their smiles and hearing their sweet, innocent, belly laughs is what I live for.

For that I will never be sorry.

 

I have wanted to let some of this out for a long time now. I have been so cautious about what I write on here that I basically just shut down and stopped writing but for my sanity I need to let it out. Regardless of what anyone thinks. I started this blog to write to Moon when I couldn’t say what I needed to him; I need to forget anyone else’s opinion and start doing just that again. I need to just let myself be free with what I write. If that means that I offend someone then who fucking cares. I’m not writing for ‘likes’ or ‘followers’. I’m writing to keep myself from checking in to the Loony Bin and if I keep trying to censor what I am feeling then I am not being true to myself. And I will probably end up in said Loony Bin. And I don’t think that padded walls and I will get along well.

So, with that being said, ranted, or what the fuck ever’d…

This blog is about to get REAL again.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdyigY9orew

I’m sorry, what? You are still here, holding on, and loving me? You are Ridiculous.

I push, I yell, I act like a freaking hormonal lunatic, and still you hold on.

You love.

What?!

I don’t understand that. I can’t wrap my head around you wanting to stick around and not run as fast as you can. It doesn’t settle well in me. So, what do I do? I push harder. I shut down. I can’t even find it in me to form words when I talk to you. Instead I sit, zombie like, while the screaming in my head just won’t shut the FUCK up long enough for me to even focus on what you are saying or what is going on around me. This is what I have become lately, a freaking Momzbie…

I don’t really like it.

Know what else I don’t like?

Golf….

I fucking HATE golf today!

But I’m pretty sure that as much as I HATE golf, push, yell, cry, or shutdown today or any day, you will still be here. Loving. Caring. Understanding. Holding on for dear life. And that Moon is why it is so hard to not love, to not want US more than anything.

But as hard as it is, as much as I love and miss US, I have to let you go. I have to do what is right; it doesn’t make it any easier though.

I miss US… I’m sorry  

 

Remember when it was only the weekends that sucked? I miss those days… and you.

Too bad it’s Monday and I have to drive. I won’t be by myself though, so I will at least try to avoid the line tonight. While someone else is in the car….

I miss you. I’m sorry.

I love you.

I am so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I suck.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I have to sleep. I have to force myself to try. I need to be up in 5 hours. Probably about the time I fall asleep.

Fuck.

I am hoping to get some time to try to write tomorrow. I need to. I am going to go fucking iNsAnE iN tHe MeMbRaNe soon if I don’t ‘sort’ some of the shit going on up there out.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Or not.

I forgot you probably hate me right about now. Sorry again. I know it doesn’t help or make anything better but I really am.

I usually try to text, call, or message you every 20 minutes but quickly stop myself. It is too hard to hear you, your voice, your love, your patience, your understanding, all of YOU is too hard to fight anymore. Hearing the disappointment in your voice is heart wrenching. I hate that you are hurting. I am sorry I get so lost in my hurt that I forget that you too could be hurting. I’m sorry you hurt.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry.

I love you. I really do. I wish I could love you the way you deserve to be loved. I wish I could write more tonight.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.  

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make this May 3rd as A M A Z I N G as last year. I love you. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss being able to be free with you. Things used to be so much easier. Before all the fucking guilt set in. there are so many horrible things going through my head right now. And every one of them has something to do with guilt. Let us not forget that bitch Karma who keeps fucking haunting me. Is all of this happening because of Karma? I believe in Karma. I always have. So why is it so hard for me to accept that Karma just might be giving me the bitch slap I deserve right now? Why do I find myself trying to pretend like I don’t believe such a slutty beast like Karma could even exist because she most certainly does? She is giving me a huge fuck you as we speak write. And I know that I deserve it.

And so I will continue to push you away while I attempt to battle this beast and find Me.

I missed you today. I found myself drifting off getting lost in memories of last May 3rd. A blush would creep into my cheeks, my breath would quicken, my pulse would race, and She almost reminded me of your tingle. I found myself having to wipe away quite a few tears as well. I miss being with you. I miss being US.

I am slowly accepting that things just might never go back to the way US once was. It hurts. It takes my breath as I am choked with tears. It brings me to my knees. But, I know that I have to do this. I know that I want have to do this on my own.

I know you don’t understand why but thank you so much for allowing me to do this and giving me the space I need right now. I don’t deserve the patience and understanding you show me.

 I am so sorry if you are hurting because of me. I am hurting too. I know that doesn’t make it better or justify the hurt you feel and I am so sorry.

I love you.

 

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

I used to have so much to say to you. I could sit here and write to you for hours. I know deep down I still could. I have tried, I have tried several times but my fingers don’t work right, my mind won’t work right, so I end up getting pissed, giving up and staying SILENT.

I know that one reason I am not writing to you is because I have so much anger, hurt, sadness and anxiety inside about what’s going on right now and what and how I am going to deal with it that it has taken over all the love and happiness of US. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I am supposed to let you help me or push you away and battle it together?

Fuck I actually think I could write right now but I am being ‘interrupted’. RUDE!!

I started this post earlier but I am back now. I don’t remember what I was saying before. So I guess it is going to be something new. I miss you, not that is particularly new but I do. I miss you so much when you are gone. And I push so hard when you are here. Fucked up. I am so busy being in ‘distract’ mode when we are together and it is exhausting. I am so busy trying to focus on anything but your words and love. If I don’t then that tingle starts, immediately, and I start to lose focus on what I need to be doing, thinking, not thinking, not doing, you see what I mean, it’s exhausting just trying to describe.

No matter how hard I try there are still moments when US breaks through, when my breath is stolen, when your words tug gently on her, when the butterfly wings start flicking and beating like they are stuck in a mason jar fighting their way out, and that is when I want to give into US so bad and then, before I really even have any time to process it, the anxiety and darkness come crashing over me like a tidal wave. It pulls me back from US so violently it scares me. I can feel myself not be able to feel my lungs, like there is a vice on them constricting them. Fear creeps up my spine and I can almost feel its creepy long fingers wrap themselves around me. I hate it. It is the worst mixture of feelings I can imagine. Going from this, almost euphoric, serene, feeling to the worst, alone, feeling imaginable.

Well, it seems like my writing funk is over, at least for the night. But I must cut this short before I really do go on forever. It feels so good to just put on the music and let my fingers do what they have wanted to for so long, put these demons down so that I can hopefully move on from them. Or at least forget about them for a bit.

I am sorry this is happening right now. I am sorry that you are having to deal with my emotional rants and tears so much. Thank you. Thank you for loving me like I have needed to be loved for so long now. I hope that I can learn to love you back like you so deserve. I think I just might be able to, I mean after all I have the best teacher EVER  showing me how it is done (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you.

I should battle this demon on my own… I think.

Until now that is…..

I am sorry. I think I need to do this on my own. I love you. I need to do this…