I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make this May 3rd as A M A Z I N G as last year. I love you. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss being able to be free with you. Things used to be so much easier. Before all the fucking guilt set in. there are so many horrible things going through my head right now. And every one of them has something to do with guilt. Let us not forget that bitch Karma who keeps fucking haunting me. Is all of this happening because of Karma? I believe in Karma. I always have. So why is it so hard for me to accept that Karma just might be giving me the bitch slap I deserve right now? Why do I find myself trying to pretend like I don’t believe such a slutty beast like Karma could even exist because she most certainly does? She is giving me a huge fuck you as we speak write. And I know that I deserve it.

And so I will continue to push you away while I attempt to battle this beast and find Me.

I missed you today. I found myself drifting off getting lost in memories of last May 3rd. A blush would creep into my cheeks, my breath would quicken, my pulse would race, and She almost reminded me of your tingle. I found myself having to wipe away quite a few tears as well. I miss being with you. I miss being US.

I am slowly accepting that things just might never go back to the way US once was. It hurts. It takes my breath as I am choked with tears. It brings me to my knees. But, I know that I have to do this. I know that I want have to do this on my own.

I know you don’t understand why but thank you so much for allowing me to do this and giving me the space I need right now. I don’t deserve the patience and understanding you show me.

 I am so sorry if you are hurting because of me. I am hurting too. I know that doesn’t make it better or justify the hurt you feel and I am so sorry.

I love you.

 

A silence broken. Maybe you like my silence better. I do.

I’m back from the dead. I think. I am pretty sure I know what it feels like to die now. Or at least I now know what it feels like to beg to be done and for someone to end it. I spent days writhing in pain, begging for some one or thing to take the pain and fever away. I have never felt the pain in my joints and muscles like I felt when I was sick. I even thought someone was trying to poison me at one point.  I was ready to be taken to the hospital. Or to die. Whichever could happen fastest? And I was like this for days. I ate 5 saltines in about 3 days. It was bad. And the stress from Hurricane Black didn’t help I am sure.  I had no idea the flu could bring a grown woman to a crying sobbing mess.

Writing doesn’t comfort me the way it used to. I don’t understand why. I want to write so badly. I want to be able to feel that release I would feel after getting everything out but I can’t. And I think it is going to drive me crazy. I know that this HUGE case of block is not helping but I feel like it might be more than that.

Perhaps it is that I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to ‘fake’ it here in my writing. I am a pro at flipping on the fake when needed, as long as I have my props, sunglasses and fake smiles. But when it comes to writing, well, I can’t fake this shit. When I write it is from the now, the real, the raw, and most of the times the oh so fucking ugly. And I feel like I have been so full of ugly for so long that I try to write ‘pretty’. But when I attempt to sort through the mess and pick out the good and the pretty I find myself lost in the blackness and feel like I am swallowed whole and then all the pretty is lost and I feel like I have nothing. So nothing is what I write.

I find that the silence is not even an option any longer. So there is always music on. Loud. Really loud. I avoid sitting. I try to keep my mind and body as busy as possible. Even now I feel like I should be up cleaning but since I have a load in both the washer and dryer and everything already folded and put away I am trying to convince myself that it is okay to sit here and get some shit out. So sit I am. With the music blaring. And the cursor blinking.

So shit is pretty messy here. I have been writing about it. I am just keeping them in a folder for now. Perhaps a blog will be born someday from them. But for now they will stayed buried where all things, dark, scary, shameful, and full of black belong, in a folder hidden on my computer.

I am battling this the only way I can. By the seat of my fucking pants. Fist flying. I still need to battle this beast on my own though.

I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I need to do this to prove that I am not the things I am told I am. And that I am everything I am told I can never be.

I need to find me. I don’t know where to even begin but I know that 5 years is a long time to be wandering lost and I am ready to find the way back to the living.

I am so sorry. I know you beg me to not push. To not give up. And I want you to know that I am not giving up on US. But I need to find ME and fix what happened here while I was so busy lost in US. I am not giving up though. I hope that after I can stand on my own two feet, all by myself with no help, we will find our way back to US. I in no way expect you to ‘wait’ for me. And if you don’t. I understand. But I can’t be distracted right now. And you distract me. US distracts me.

I was so lost in US that I didn’t see how terrible things were here. I was so busy lost in the tingles, the stolen breaths’, and sparkles that I didn’t see my world deteriorating around me.

So now, when you whisper your words and they fall over me like a soft blanket I start to panic. I am so scared that I will get lost in US again and the blackness will take over again and I will be too distracted to see. And we both know how easily I fall into US. Was it not just last night that I startled awake not remembering how I fell into such a peaceful slumber? I can’t allow that to happen. I don’t fall asleep with out tossing and turning and it makes it so much harder to do this alone when I am reminded of what US feels like.

I have been avoiding all things internet related. For days. If I avoid the internet I am not temped to message you. And since my cell phone has been MIA since I survived the flu from fucking hell last week and I haven’t ‘had the time’ to look for it then texting is not an option. Add that I have been avoiding this place like the BLACK fucking plague, because it is so full of black, and it appears that plan No Contact has been fairly successful.

Sorry about that. But I have to battle this dark, blackness filled, depression inducing fucking beast on my own.

I miss you. I love you. I am so sorry. I hope you understand why I have to do this.

Goodnight my Moon. Please don’t hate me.

 

You say you like CrAzY. Let’s hope it’s true.

I’m amazed daily by your love, by you. I am still new to this love you show me. I am still struggling with how to process it. Trying to push you away whenever you show too much love because I start to panic, the air rushes from my chest and NOT in the good way, my pulse races and I immediately want to shut you out and stop the tingle. Fucked up I know. But that is me, crazy, broken, and oh so fucked up (: I love you too (: because I know you don’t care and love me anyways.

That is what is so ridiculous to me. That you love me, the ME that I don’t usually let people in on because you see past the broken and believe in me. You are starting to make me believe too. Thank you for that. I hope I can hold on to it. I hope I don’t push too hard and you get sick of trying and loving. Because I cant imagine existing on this big rock without you.

I miss you so much tonight. I miss you every night we are apart. Every minute really. Cheesy, I know but TRUE (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I can’t wait until morning.

 

I want to bottle up this Tingle and carry it with me ALWAYS…

Hey babes I’m sitting here snuggling the baby so I’m currently typing one handed. He’s fussing so we are gonna take a YouTube dance break (:

We’re back; he’s in the exersaucer thingy now. We rocked out to some Katy P and T-Swizzle. I miss you like crazy today. I woke up this morning remembering the events of last night. What a roller coaster that was. Thanks again for not letting me give up on US.

I woke up feeling a lil bit of that feeling that I thought was going to be lost to me. You know the one I’m talking about. The feeling that everything will work out. That tiny glimmer of hope. I woke feeling ALMOST happy. I woke with the tingle of last night still on me. I miss waking like that. I miss waking without the feeling of dread that I feel most mornings. It was an amazing reminder of the feeling that I used to wake with every morning before things were so fucked up. The excitement I used to feel waiting to be with you is missing now. Instead I have this heaviness that lingers, telling me that you might not be here anymore, that you might not be mine anymore, and I hate it. I am fighting it as hard as I fight The BEAST. I will win this. I will not let my fear or The BEAST take you from me. I kicked them both off of me this morning when they tried to creep in and over take the tingles from last night. I did a pretty good job of keeping them both at bay. They tried hard to bring me down today but I wasn’t letting that happen. Whenever I felt shitty I blasted my iPod and rocked out to Ms. Katy P, she always brings a smile to my face. She can kick my ass out of a funk almost as good as you.

I spent the rest of the night exactly how I wanted to, with you. Of course it was A M A Z I N G. You didn’t shy away from my tears; you held on tight and reminded me why they are not necessary. You didn’t avoid my fears; you laid them to rest and then lay with me to reinforce the fact that you aren’t going anywhere that you will stay with me as long as I will have you. This is all so foreign to me. The fact that you are not running away, that you want to stay here and be with me, it all boggles my mind. I am hoping that this feeling stays with me for longer than the night. I hope I can continue to stay so positive. I know if you get your way it will happen. You showed me how to FEEL again tonight. You are so good at making me feel. No one can do the things that you are able to do to me. It amazes me everytime. You amaze me everytime.

Thank you for tonight. Thank you for reminding once again that US is worth fighting for. You made the tingle of last night run into the tingle of tonight. I remember when the tingle was always there, when it was never gone. I hope those days return. I hope I can carry your tingle with me. I hope it stays like it used to, I miss your tingle almost as much as I miss you. I love you, I am going to try to drift off into slumber land and have wonderful dreams of you. I can’t wait to spend tomorrow with you.

Goodnight my Moon, I love you, I need you, I always will.