I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

I can’t stop the horror film that is stuck on repeat in my mind… Help me. Please.

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I’m scared to write. I’m scared to do much of anything really except cry; bitch, whine, and fucking lose it.

We have spent more time together, since (Insert skin-crawling/spine-tingling/vomit inducing… you get the picture I’m painting right?), than we have in weeks, maybe months, and I don’t know how to process it. I know that you say you want to fix US and you are not giving up and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah… but I don’t believe it. I hear it. I hear you say everything. I just don’t believe it. I don’t trust it. I don’t trust you.

I am pretty sure that I have wrote almost the same post some time ago about the same fucking thing just a different fucking story. You probably did some fucked up thing, like disappear (now I know it was with her) and I swore up and down that I was never going to let you do this to me again, that I was never going to feel the pain and hurt that I was feeling.

But here we are.

I’m in pain. I hurt like I don’t remember hurting. In places I didn’t even think possible to hurt in. The tears that I have cried have came from a place deep in my soul. I’m so scared to allow myself to feel that pain again. I have completely shut down.

You on the other hand have not. You are in full force. You are shoving your love down my throat like a crazed spoon-feeding mother.

Is it bad if I don’t believe? Is it horrible if I kinda cringe at the sound of it? Is it terrible if I imagine you saying the same words to her, with the same mouth that did god knows what to/with her, while doing nothing with me but filling me full of lies and deceit?

I feel like I am being a whiney bitch and I am not sorry about it at all. I don’t think that I have really been able to process how I feel really, well other than broken/shattered/crushed/unwanted/unloved/lied to/cheated on/pissed the fuck off…

Okay, apparently writing was not the thing to do right now. I just might possibly be moving to the anger stage but I don’t know.

I will try again later I guess.

And still I sit and wait…

You say that it was the first time. You say that you have never said anything like it before.

And yet it rolled off your tongue and flew from your mouth as easily as a Hello.

I don’t know what I am anymore but I know what I am NOT and that is sorry. I’m thankful that someone or thing out there made your phone call me at that exact moment. So that I could hear the way you truly feel. Now I know how I am talked about when I am not around.

I can’t say that I didn’t expect this. I can’t even say that I’m surprised. All I can say is that I am broken. I feel like what I have felt all a long was validated. That I never should have believed. I never should have let you in.

And I don’t care if I am being completely childish or if I AM a fucking bitch. This is how I feel. This is how YOU made me feel.

Never again.

Dear Friday. You sucked, like every other freaking day this week, month, year. And in case you didn’t know…

Fuck you and goodnight, to Friday. 

To you… Well, I don’t think I have much to say to you right now. Or better yet, I have tons of shit to say to you, I just can’t find the fucking words to do it. I hope you enjoy your Friday. 

I miss Us. I’m sorry. 

 

 

 

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make this May 3rd as A M A Z I N G as last year. I love you. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss being able to be free with you. Things used to be so much easier. Before all the fucking guilt set in. there are so many horrible things going through my head right now. And every one of them has something to do with guilt. Let us not forget that bitch Karma who keeps fucking haunting me. Is all of this happening because of Karma? I believe in Karma. I always have. So why is it so hard for me to accept that Karma just might be giving me the bitch slap I deserve right now? Why do I find myself trying to pretend like I don’t believe such a slutty beast like Karma could even exist because she most certainly does? She is giving me a huge fuck you as we speak write. And I know that I deserve it.

And so I will continue to push you away while I attempt to battle this beast and find Me.

I missed you today. I found myself drifting off getting lost in memories of last May 3rd. A blush would creep into my cheeks, my breath would quicken, my pulse would race, and She almost reminded me of your tingle. I found myself having to wipe away quite a few tears as well. I miss being with you. I miss being US.

I am slowly accepting that things just might never go back to the way US once was. It hurts. It takes my breath as I am choked with tears. It brings me to my knees. But, I know that I have to do this. I know that I want have to do this on my own.

I know you don’t understand why but thank you so much for allowing me to do this and giving me the space I need right now. I don’t deserve the patience and understanding you show me.

 I am so sorry if you are hurting because of me. I am hurting too. I know that doesn’t make it better or justify the hurt you feel and I am so sorry.

I love you.

 

Feelings… and all things bitchy.

Suffocated. I feel suffocated. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel tightness in my chest and a tingling, and not the good kind of tingling, in my legs and arms, like I have an itching to run. As soon as I hear you or start to feel the love of US I feel like I need to fucking bolt and not look back.

Confused. I don’t do well with surprises. I like to know what is coming so that I can be as prepared as possible for whatever is coming my way. Good or bad. I have no fucking idea right now what is on the horizon for me.

Scared. Terrified. See above. Add in a shit ton of darkness and all things black.

Unsure. Am I being the best me I can be? I don’t know. I hope so. I would like to think so. But I am sure that all of this ‘editing’ and faking I have to do on a daily basis says otherwise.

Guilty. I feel so fucking guilty. I feel like I am being punished for all the good and amazing I feel with US. I feel like what is happening now is because of how amazing US was and that if I never would have gotten lost in US that this blackness wouldn’t be taking over. I feel like I need to throw us back to the gods and say I am sorry for even thinking that I was worthy of a love like US.

Alone. I have a love hate relationship with alone. I love to be alone. I hate how much I miss US when I am alone. But I need to be alone. I am better alone. I feel more in control alone.

Shattered. I am so shattered. I don’t even know where to begin to try to piece me back together. I don’t even think if I knew where to start that I could piece me back. There are pieces so small now I don’t even think I can see them anymore. I don’t know if I would want those pieces back if I could. Part of me is scared that I won’t find any of the good left. I am scared if I can piece me back together that I will be this new me full of all things dark, scary, ugly, and black. I am scared that all the ‘pretty’ in me is lost forever.

Those are a few of the things I am feeling right now. Just a few. I could probably sit here for days but I don’t have the energy anymore. Of course on top of all the fucked up shit I am feeling I have that anxiety cloud and depression thunderstorm brewing. Not to mention the fact that I miss US so bad sometimes it physically hurts.

So what do I do when US starts to take over? I run. I shut down. I go into distract mode. I turn the music up so that I can’t focus on you and your words. I tune out so that the tingle of US that takes over so quickly is met with resistance. And it is wearing me thin. I don’t know how much longer I can fight US. The longer I go the easier it seems. Until US sneaks up so fast it takes my breath away. Those are the times I freak out the most, when US slips through a crack and I don’t see US coming. It is so hard to fight US at moments like that. It is painful and almost buckles my knees, so those are the times I pull out the big guns and run the fastest.

Anger.Madness. All things bitchy.

When I am at my bitchiest I am really at my weakest. I don’t know how else to fight US anymore. So I let my angry tongue fight for me. Otherwise I would give in. I would let US wash over me and get lost again. I can’t let that happen. So I kick, yell, cry, run, and let my sharp little tongue run amok.

I am so sorry. You don’t deserve this. US doesn’t deserve this. But it is the only way I know to keep US at bay.

I can’t get lost in US again Moon. Not right now. And the worst part is…

US is the only thing I want to be lost in….

I’m sorry. You deserve better than this. US deserves better than me…   

 

Let’s face it… You my dear, are a dirty little secret…

My oh my where do I start tonight? I am, of course, all over the place. You have spent the past few days since, what shall we call it…the Event I guess, oooh, oh so creative I am these days, anywhoo you have spent the last few days since the Event making sure I know that you are so happy with the way things are so far. You message me in the morning, you call me throughout the day, you text me goodnight and I wish you were here’s, you make sure to send me a quick this reminded me of you text and I love it, I love all of it! But I am still in the dark, complete fucking blackness, I’m talking not even a sliver of fucking light in here, about the scenes and conversations that led up to and surrounded said Event. Nothing. It’s like what happened was just another day in the life, no big deal, not life changing at all for you.

That concerns me. Why is that? Why, no HOW could Event take place and yet you are as chipper as a fucking candy striper down at the old folk’s home? I don’t get it? I am a wreck over it. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t eat. I cry thinking about Little Man and how he is taking all of this. But you, you are just living the life. Solo. No worries it seems. Which kind of fucking pisses me off actually. If you are really taking all of this so nonchalantly I want to know why. How could you have no hurt feelings over this? I mean part of me wants you to be hurting for the changes to your ‘family’ from this because I am. I am hurting for you all right now. So I am hoping wishing, that you are just trying to be strong for me and not let me see the hurt that you are feeling because you are just not yet that comfortable with US yet. You are not ready for me to see you so vulnerable.

I am also feeling a bit bitchy about the way things are when we have conversations and others are around. I think I want to touch on this topic for a wee bit if you don’t mind. Let me just say this now, I would MUCH rather you NOT talk to me when others are around if you feel like you have to treat me like one of your ‘dudes’. I am NOT your dude! I never will be, if you want to start treating me like ‘one of the boys’ then I will in return stop treating you the way a woman would treat her man no matter if we are in a packed auditorium or soul survivors of the universe. I am not just some random buddy that is calling to check on your fantasy football! It’s me, your everything remember! So do you think you could at least do me the common courtesy to NOT answer your phone if you have to treat me like a normal every day common Joe instead of someone you might try to show a little fucking emotion with! I really think it’s rude to have to just be like, ‘Howdy, I’m just about to eat, Oookay, well, uhh… bye then.’ Followed by a mushy gushy I love you so much baby, sunshine of my life text. Seriously!?! Just fucking hit IGNORE next time. I mean, I get it, I know WHY things are the way they are for now but please don’t make me feel like nothing. I think I at least deserve that. I at least deserve to be treated like someone worthy of your time and emotion when we interact and not just your dirty little secret. If you aren’t able to be ‘normal’ then I understand, it’s not a good time, you are busy, something is going on, I get it, just don’t answer and treat me like nobody. Okay sorry, I am being ridiculous here.

I don’t know maybe I am just reading too much into this and the feelings you did or did not have were as you said and that is why this is so ‘easy’ for you. Perhaps it feels right for you. You seem like you can take full breaths now. You have a sort of ‘chipperness’ to you now when we talk. That makes me a little less sad, it makes me smile that you are able to feel that free-ness, that you are able to sound ALIVE again. I missed that in you. You were so alive in the beginning. So full of laughs and life. I used to love to just sit back and listen to you and Little Man play; I loved his demanding little, ‘Iron Man daddy, Iron Man!!!!’ Your muffled speech through the helmet makes me smile just thinking about it (: The laughs and chuckles were priceless. I hope you get to share these moments often. I know how much he means to you. I hope you don’t lose the closeness you two share, in all of this.   

I wish you would open up to me. Let me in to whatever is going on inside of your head right now. I don’t want you to be afraid of hurting me. I am stronger than you think or I believe. I can’t take it. Don’t let my tears fool you. I cry but it doesn’t mean that I am weak! Crying makes me stronger. Crying lets me know that I will be okay. The tears that fall just encourage me more; ignite the flame that burns inside. I am fully aware that maybe you ought to find YOU in this process. And I am okay if by finding YOU, you need to let go of me. It’s what is most important in all of this. If after everything that has happened you don’t end up finding you then you should have just stayed where you were.

I am being an oversensitive bitch right now but hey, you know this about me, I never hid it from you (: I am a high maintenance, overly sensitive, class 5 clinging, bossy, nosey, LOUD, bitchy SUPER CRIER that demands to be treated like a Queen (: You know all of this and still say you love me. You’re either a keeper or a myth, think I’m gonna try to keep ya…

I will get off of my soapbox now. I am done telling you how to deal with what I consider to be, your problems, while I do NOTHING to deal with my own demons (: I am much better at telling others what I think (: it’s what I do…

I am going to say goodnight now my Moon. I miss you. I miss my nights being filled with you, with US. I miss just laying and breathing and loving.

Rawr………