I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

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The Story of US looks a lot like a tragedy now.

I don’t even know what to say, of course. I never know what to say, even when I am speaking to you I find the words all jumbled or stuck and I am sick of it.

I’m sick of you too.

I’m sick of your bullshit and your excuses and sorry’s and all the other bullshit you spew. I don’t care what your excuse is this time. I don’t care if you set yourself on fire (again), lost your phone, didn’t have service, or whatever else you decide to try, I really don’t. I’m done. I don’t care to continue this charade with you any longer.

I get it. People change. Feelings change. I changed. You changed. US changed. I get it. But I am not afraid to admit it. I am not afraid to say that I have changed, my feelings have changed. You, well, you on the other, you have a problem admitting just about anything. You are very good at apologies, all I hear lately from you is ‘I’m sorry, I fucked up, it’s my entire fault, this is what I want, blah, fuckity blah, blah. I want US. I want you. YOU are all that I want.’ HA! I call bullshit. Again. If I could find anything funny right now I would find the few times that you gave the butterflies a stir and almost convinced me to drop my guard, a laugh right now. Of course, although I am not feeling much of anything right now what I AM feeling could not be categorized as good.  I hope that I can hold on this feeling right now. It’s not really a bad feeling. It’s a tolerable feeling for me. I’m upset, hurt, but also relieved. I’m relieved that you immediately did what you said you would not do again so soon. I’m relieved that I can start the process of healing and moving on. I can start finding Me.

If you were given weeks, months, or longer to try to pull my guard away and convince me that you were here to stay I’m positive you would have convinced me. You would have been able to wrap the love of US around me and get me lost in the Amazing and when the realization that this was all a fucking game to you was revealed all of this would have hurt a lot more.

Really?! Did you have to come back and try to convince me again that this love was real? That you were here to stay? That no matter how ridiculous I was being it didn’t matter because US was worth it, US was worth any and every feeling we ever felt, no matter how amazing or agonizing, was worth every tear and ache because it was REAL and it was not faked. How much more pissed would I be had I believed any of your bullshit for one second? I am so glad that the few times you were able to find a crack in the wall, that YOU helped build, I fought you. I am so glad I didn’t allow the fakeness of you through to spread all of your phony around and your false promises.

 

Am I overreacting again? Yea, probably, but I don’t really care because I don’t feel like I am overreacting. I feel like I am holding it together pretty well. I mean, I want to delete every part of you from my life right now. I want to delete you from FB, I want to block your number from calling, I want to delete every message we have shared, I want to text you and tell you to fuck off and never call me again, but that would be acknowledging to you that I am aware of the absence of you this weekend and I don’t want to give you that.

I don’t want you to know how it is tearing me up inside that we have gone another 48 plus hours with no answer, return call, or text, just NOTHING. I don’t want you to know that I lie awake at night and wonder what it is that I have done again to deserve this. I don’t want you to know that I every time I look at my cell and see no call or text that I feel the hurt in my soul.

I’ve turned my cell off. I am assuming that at some point within the next few days you will ‘need’ me again and try to call and patch up the damage you have done with your false promises and fake tears and I don’t want to hear it. I think that your actions have said more than any word you have spoken lately.

It may seem at times throughout this writing that I am mad or angry at you but I’m not. I’m disappointed that you didn’t let me go and start healing but instead tried to get a few more… you know what’s from me before you left to spend ANOTHER weekend US-less, but I am not mad. I don’t have feelings toward you, I pretty much feel nothing right now, at this second, that of course could change at ANY time, because that is how I roll, all crazy and all over the place (:

I’m sorry in advance for any ANGRY that comes from me during this time of healing. On second thought, no I’m not. I’m not sorry for ANY thing I feel during this time. I’m going to embrace each feeling and roll with it. I’m going to learn and take as much with me from this journey of US as I can.

I have no idea how to end this. I want to say I’m sorry, but not for anything just sorry that this is what US has become.

I miss US.

DAMN YOU The Bachelorette! You make me miss the butterflies…

I miss US. I miss you. I miss the me that I am when I am with you. I miss the way it was when I didn’t have to force myself to smile, make my self laugh, blah, blah… the stupid dumb TV that I never watch anymore makes me wanna gag. As much as I like the chick I cant help but wanna puke at the lovey dovey shit some of these guys say.

Really? Am I seriously bitching about some fake reality show right now? I think I need to take a FF time out.

Did I mention that I miss you?

I’m sorry.