Broken in dreams… Shattered in reality.

Dear Universe,

He finally showed up in my dreams.. in the worst way possible, to break my heart a little bit more..

I’ve spent every night since He left looking for Him, especially in my dreams. He’s been nowhere. It’s been devasting and exhausting all at once.

He deleted me from every part of his life in my dream, his new girlfriend made him, and he was happy to oblige. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore.

I was wrong.

I woke up bawling, a tightness in my chest that was unbearable and an aching in my soul that wasn’t going anywhere… and even with the tears running down my face and neck and the hurt buried deep in my being, I still tried to fall back asleep to find Him again, to see Him another second… even if that meant so he could break me further.

I’ll never stop needing Him…

I can’t stop loving Him.

I’m never going to be what you want me to be… Sorry I’m not sorry.

sin differently

I love how the only interaction I get with you is negative now. Gone are the days filled with I love you’s, miss you’s, need you’s, or just a simple thinking of you texts. Now I get… well you know what I get. 

But what I don’t get is what it is you want from me?

I feel like I am always in trouble with you, like I have just done something to piss you off, everything seems like it’s a yell or I’m a disappointment to you now.

I hate it.

I have somehow given you this power and it sucks.

In other news…

This is supposed to be the one place in my crazy world that I can come to and vent and get all the ugliness I am feeling out. The one place where I get to say and tell exactly how I feel. The place where the only thing I give is brutal honesty. This blog was made for that specific purpose.

But now I feel like I have to censor what I am saying or feeling because I might piss off or hurt someones feeling.

You don’t get to judge me here.

You don’t get to use anything here against me.

If you don’t like what I am saying or how I am feeling then you don’t get to be here. Don’t read what I write. You don’t have to.

But I’m not going to stop writing. I’m not going to pretend like life is all sunshine and unicorns here. I’m not going to change how I write here.

I never will.

This will always be the realest, rawest, sometimes ugliest, truths of the most beautiful love ever.

I don’t care that it’s over.

Lost but never forgotten…