A peak inside the first 8 weeks… Of a lifetime without Him, great.

Dear Universe,

I made it through 8 weeks, my first of a lifetime, with no Him.

Panic immediately sets in after typing that, because what if we are blessed with more than one lifetime?

I may have to go through more than 1 lifetime without Him?

WTF?

I’m not okay with that.

I’m not okay with one more second, let alone a lifetime, or many…

Seriously..

How are we here?

I’m questioning my decision of staying so quiet during most of our time together. But after having all this time to think I’ve come to the conclusion that I was scared to put it out here because I didn’t believe it would really last.

Or maybe I was just selfish with it and wanted to keep it to myself.
I didn’t want to share the amazing that we had because honestly there aren’t really words to describe most of it.

I mean I can describe it in certain ways. But I can’t actually delve into the feelings/emotions we shared because I don’t know of any words that could do it justice.

Love works, but even that is not a true enough description.

This will jump every place and then probably circle back… several times… before making sense, if any at all..

I’m not in a good place.

So to save myself, or at least in an attempt to try, I come here.. to write it out.

I’m currently in the process of writing Him a goodbye letter.

I’m failing.

Miserably..

I shake so much every time I try it’s impossible and I give up quickly.

And the tears? Yeah… those are a fucking joke too..

GPS took me by his work today.

My heart was pounding.

My legs we’re shaking.

The tears sprang to my eyes and burned my throat.

Why would the universe do this to me?

I’ve been trying so hard to stay away… give him the life and space he wants.

I repeat in my head over and over and over, more times a day than I would like to admit, He doesn’t want you, He didn’t choose you, He doesn’t want you, He doesn’t want you…

You get it… its an endless freaking cycle and I’m so exhausted I wish I could sleep this all away but I can’t even do that because I’m not okay in those either.

I keep trying to distract myself and throw myself into other things to stay busy and hopefully have less time to be alone in my thoughts.. it works for small spurts, and then I am back to the thoughts.

And my thoughts tell me that I need to let Him go, I need to realize that He wasn’t mine to keep and that I need be more appreciative that our souls connected and shared.

Ugh.

Also, can I just say that breakups are bullshit!