I wonder when I become NOTHING to you… Was it long ago? Or was I simply always nothing? I guess I will never know. The only thing I know is that now I don’t exist to you and I feel the hurt like never before.

I have never really had to hide my pain so much. This whole being at work and having to pretend like there is NOT a gaping hole in my soul is killing me. Or maybe it is the lack of you that is killing me. Or perhaps the lack of US. Probably a bit of both but it doesnt really matter, all that matters is that you arent here. You won’t be here. I don’t think I will ever get to ‘Keep You’ again and I don’t know how to process this.

I don’t know how to keep acting like I want to live this life without you anymore. I don’t know how to get out of bed each morning when all I want to do is crawl under the covers and come out on a day where US exists.

I want to go back to the days where it was just US. Where it didn’t matter what was going on in the world because I was with you, safe in US and no one could hurt me because you wouldn’t allow it.

But now, I am more hurt than ever before and YOU are the one who did it. I can’t wrap my head around it. I can’t accept that all of the love that you gave was bullshit. My head is trying to tell me so but my heart and soul won’t hear of it. There is no way that it was fake because I felt it.
I felt the love of US like I have never felt love before.

I felt you in the depths of my soul. You ignited a part of me that had never been touched before and I don’t know how to put out the need to have you now.

I don’t know how to stop the hurt of missing you from bringing me to my knees. I don’t know how to stop the tears that spring to my eyes at random times throughout the day.
I don’t know how to breathe a full breath without you by my side.
Most of all I don’t know how to let go of the love I have for US.

And I don’t really think I want to… but holding on to it is killing me.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

 

 

 

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No, no, I promised time and I’m going to do that. HA! This bullshit makes my stomach turn.

This is what I wanted right? This is what I kept telling you to do. Forget about me. Don’t love me. Give up on me, I have given up on myself long ago. Meet new people. Find a new love. *gag, puke, vomit, hyperventilate, cry, scream, fight the darkness, etc.*

Aren’t these all the things I have been begging for weeks over now? Yea, I thought so too. Funny how when you get what you want it ends up fucking biting you in the ass.

It just frustrates me so much though. I trusted you. I trusted your stupid little won’t leave you, love you with my heart and soul, blah-bitty, blah bullshit when everything in me told me to fight it. To not trust these silly moments of amazing that couldn’t possibly be real. But no, I didn’t listen. I chose to believe in the bullshit and to ignore the warning.

And now look where I am. Right fucking where I started but more broken and hurt than ever before. Questioning everything. Wondering if any of it was real. Trying hard to fight the darkness that is edging closer while at the same time begging for it to take me. To just swallow me whole and let me be. And if it isn’t going to take me then someone please wake me the fuck up from this nightmare. Shake me like a fucking Etch A Sketch, until none of this exists anymore and all the memories and pain are erased.

You could have just left long ago. You didn’t have to hold on and wait at home. You didn’t have to break me. You didn’t have to try to prove my Love doesn’t exist theory was crap. You didn’t have to make me feel like a fucking quickie, not even worth your time, less important than homies and Walmart-Fucking Bitch.

Dear Me, I found this and thought you could use a friendly reminder. F U!

I actually wish I could cry. I think if I did then I wouldn’t feel so anxious and I would be able to take a full breath. I feel like I am not able to fully take a breath in anymore, like I am surviving on the least amount of oxygen I can.

It sucks.

I’m sorry. I miss US…

 

 

 

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make this May 3rd as A M A Z I N G as last year. I love you. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss being able to be free with you. Things used to be so much easier. Before all the fucking guilt set in. there are so many horrible things going through my head right now. And every one of them has something to do with guilt. Let us not forget that bitch Karma who keeps fucking haunting me. Is all of this happening because of Karma? I believe in Karma. I always have. So why is it so hard for me to accept that Karma just might be giving me the bitch slap I deserve right now? Why do I find myself trying to pretend like I don’t believe such a slutty beast like Karma could even exist because she most certainly does? She is giving me a huge fuck you as we speak write. And I know that I deserve it.

And so I will continue to push you away while I attempt to battle this beast and find Me.

I missed you today. I found myself drifting off getting lost in memories of last May 3rd. A blush would creep into my cheeks, my breath would quicken, my pulse would race, and She almost reminded me of your tingle. I found myself having to wipe away quite a few tears as well. I miss being with you. I miss being US.

I am slowly accepting that things just might never go back to the way US once was. It hurts. It takes my breath as I am choked with tears. It brings me to my knees. But, I know that I have to do this. I know that I want have to do this on my own.

I know you don’t understand why but thank you so much for allowing me to do this and giving me the space I need right now. I don’t deserve the patience and understanding you show me.

 I am so sorry if you are hurting because of me. I am hurting too. I know that doesn’t make it better or justify the hurt you feel and I am so sorry.

I love you.

 

Amaze me with the gentleness of US baby. Please. I need to be reminded.

I miss the soft and gentleness of US. I miss the way US would spread its tingle over me like silk. Everything around me feels so hard and rough. I feel like I have been jerked and tossed around so much that there is a rigidness to me now. Like I am on constant alert, always prepared for the impact.

I miss the feelings of US. I miss the way US flowed so smoothly. Like it was just supposed to be. One amazing moment into the next. There were no rough or jagged edges just smoothness and this odd calming feeling full of this amazing unexplainable tingle and sparkle.

I miss the way you make love to me. I don’t often talk about our love making. But I miss it. I miss the way you found your pleasure in all things me. I miss the way you would steal my breath from the first whisper often times not returning it until long after we lay spent with each other. I miss lying with you and feeling the most amazing I have ever felt in my entire life. The after is just as amazing as what brought us there. There is something about the after that is not a feeling I am familiar with. It is like being in the most peaceful, loving, place. The closeness I feel with you is unexplainable. Like we are one. There is just US. One soul.  

I miss you. I miss US.
I love you.

Dear April…

I have been listening to Pandora and trying to write for almost 2 hours now. I decided to start again because there was nothing good coming from it. And now, my fingers have decided to work against me and fill this with typos and backspacing, not to mention the fucking SB that still sticks ):

Can ya throw me a frickin’ bone here people?

I mean seriously.

I have to remind myself to breathe now.

What?!?

Did I just admit that? Yea, weird but true. I find myself sometimes so ‘lost’ that I have to remind myself to take a breath. Is it bad to admit that I might not be able to do this alone? How much worse is it that I don’t want to battle this with you? I know we are gonna survive the zombie apocalypse and all but this makes that look like a day at the boardwalk and I don’t want you to have to see any of this. I think you deserve better. I want better for you.

I’m gonna stop trying tonight. I guess I will try again tomorrow. I am sorry that you are feeling the aftershocks of what’s going on here.

Until we meet again… Rawr…