To keep you super confused I’m posting a 2 in 1 for you guys… One from tonight and another from so many nights ago I’ve forgotten, you’re welcome.

Dear Universe,

Wow…

Time flies and the drafts folder builds. Rarely do I get to write, finish what I am attempting to write, and post all in the same day. Most of what I write ends up dead in the drafts folder; half finished posts remain that mostly cuz I don’t read what I write usually. I write and get it out aka post, and that is that. I don’t write any of this so that I can read it, I really think very few read anything I write at all, I write so I feel a little bit less crazy.

Tonight I’m writing so that I can avoid images of Him with his new one. I have used up all my distraction time for the day. All of the littles are down and the big ones are distracted. The house is actually silent.

And we all know how silent is the fucking worst thing ever for a crazy overactive mind.

So… instead of lie awake and run my cell phone battery dead flipping through aps and favoriting shit I am never going to make or visit I came here.. to attempt to get a little of the crazy out.

Maybe some day I will have the time (and the desire) to put Him to paper. Now is not that time. So instead this will be jumbled, not make sense to some, confuse a few of you who may have been since the days of Moon(I will someday also update this and separate out Moon and make room for the new connections in my life but that is going to take a long weekend away with no interruptions haha), others will barely take the take to have made it this far, so anyways…

All that matters right now is that He is with someone else, but there’s so much more to this story and like I said last night I need to hold some accountability too in all of this. We both have shit to figure out.

Maybe He has been right all along. Maybe we are meant to be but now is just not our time.

But how do you know it that is the case? How can you tell if you are supposed to walk away for the better time and that you aren’t really walking away and wimping out?

Adulting sucks.

It is so complicating.

Throw in a shit show like this and I’m living life exhausted 24/7.

Perhaps if there is more writing after this then I have found the time to dig in the drafts and copy a hidden unfinished gem and add it to what I have unfinished tonight.

Will you really get a 2 in 1 tonight? You lucky thing you.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last year. Not to diminish what I felt before because at the time I had never experienced what I have now.

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my mouth turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. and it all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet. I could and did lie in his arms for hours not saying a word but couldn’t have been in tune with another being if we tried. Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is most likely not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone (‘chick who means nothing and never could’) else.

I actually thought I had found the one soul who would or could never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms,  sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing, but most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together asap, there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooking up with?

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a  ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again so we really shouldn’t fuck it up with all these ‘Randoms’? (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. Yet here i am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore.. explaining why He continues to build relationships with people who He claims mean nothing.

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose Her and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

 

My text to Him tonight… I might be breaking. 

Dear Universe,

I’ve finally lost it. 

I can’t do this anymore. 

I love Him. 

I can’t share him any longer. it breaks my heart and kills my soul. 

Dead. 

I wrote this to Moon December 21st, 2014… it’s only taken a year to post it.

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I have these moments of pure disgust for you and the way that you have so many times disregarded my feelings.

An anger that is indescribable builds inside and it makes my stomach turn and my skin tingle when I think about how I know that you still use the same lips that try to convince me of how much you love me to try to convince your new girl of exactly the same things with most likely the same lines…

Maybe you were right when you said that I will never be able to let the past about her go… but do you know why?

Because you have never once let her go.

You have lied to me, most definitely her, and everyone else.

You are pathetic with the way you try to use the love that I have for you to your advantage. You come to me when your little pet is out with people and friends her own age but run right back to her if she shows you any sign of attention.

I am even more pathetic for giving you an outlet.

I won’t any longer.

Next time you are so intoxicated that you can hardly send a coherent text, your dick is raging, and you’re feeling sorry for yourself… Call her(Oh wait.. I’m sure you did but she was not available to you) tell her how you want to end it all and how you have fucked up and feel so terrible. How nothing is worth it and blah fucking blah blah blah…

Because the reason why you want to give up has nothing to do with the fact that you lost me and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you know your little band-aid isn’t a permanent fix, or a permanent ANYTHING, but you’re so fucking addicted to her it’s become sickening.

But I’ll be the hater and the bitch and the whatever the fuck else you want me to be.

And just like that the anger and hurt has taken over and replaced any good that I have felt with you.

It’s so easy to hold on to the hurt and anger. It’s so easy to become lost in it and let it take over. It’s too easy to sit back and let the anger flow from my soul through my fingertips at lightening fast speed and replace all the longing I have for you with dislike. If I hold on to all this bad then I can’t focus on how much I hurt from all the great that you made me feel.

And do you think after all of this that I hate you?

No fucking way…

I hate myself.

More than I could ever hate another being… almost as much as I hate the love that you have for Her… almost.

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I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

So apparently all is only good until I tap into any sort of real memory of you or US, then all bets are off and there is no stopping the hurt… Looks like we’re riding this one out, yay.

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How come when you told me forever it was bullshit but somehow I’m supposed to believe when you tell her forever you mean it?

Why is it different?

Why?

Why why why why why why why why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me.

How am I supposed to accept that?

Why can’t I accept that?

At least I’m not struggle to write/breathe/see ect all through tears because usually that is how a post like this would go. But now, well now I only want the answers I don’t have the longing to fix US like I used to. I have at least finally accepted the fact that there isn’t now and is never going to be an US, and that was a hard fucking one to accept. I literally fought accepting that one tooth and nail, I was determined to not let the love that you and I made go, but somehow in all these moons I have found some sort of sick peace with it.

I don’t think that means now or ever will mean that I am okay with the loss of US but no longer am I paralyzed by the fear and hurt of the loss.

I will forever miss your baby blues, your whispers, your smile, your love, your soul, your naughty, your nice, your recipe advice, your laugh, your passion, your caring, your words, your promises, your love of video games, your drunken late night calls. I will always remember the way your whole face would light up in smile when our eyes would meet and the way I felt it in my soul.

Okay I have to stop now because the tears have somehow found their way back and I have to stop before the reminder of what was or could have been breaks me, again.

No title again… Writing took all I had tonight, and I don’t have much.

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I haven’t been feeling good things about you lately. . I chalked it up to me moving through the stages of grief and thought that any moment the pain and love would rush back in and hit me… but that hasn’t happened.

Yet.

Will it?

I honestly don’t think it will.

I have accepted so much lately, about US/me/life.

I have finally accepted you and I will never be again.

I am sad.

It hurts.

But it doesn’t bring me to my knees.

I took a shower tonight and didn’t cry for you.

I had a ‘moment’ the other day and you were not the first person I thought to run to, I didn’t even think of you at all actually.

I know now that the love that I had for you will always remain but it will not rule my life any longer. I won’t sit back and watch life, and you, pass me by.

I am going to grasp life and live it to the fullest.

I am going to do things that I have been scared to in the past.

I am not going to let the love that I had for you ruin the love that I have left to give.

I’m sad that you won’t be around to see or feel any of the love/life that is going to happen. I truly thought you were going to always be there for me. I never would have imagined a life without you. I always thought if anything were to ever happen to US it would be something out of our control but we would still always be a part of each others lives and support one and other.

I guess I am more sad by the fact that you don’t care about me more than the fact that you didn’t love me.

But I get to sleep peaceful at night, finally, knowing that everything I ever give/said/did/felt/meant for US was 100% real/honest/true and most importantly for you and only you; never did I give someone something that was meant for you. I have, and never will, share the tiny things between you and I that mean more than world to US but would mean nothing to anyone else (ex: Rawr, queen of the damned, moon, dorkfish, pretty eyes, pumpkin, T-Swift songs that meant things to you and I, sayings we only said to each other… you get the idea I’m sure).

But can you say the same?

I don’t think you can.

Actually.. I know you can’t.

Because you have already done and said so many things that were untrue or false to both her and I.

But I am not here to bring up hurt feelings about how much of US you gave to her with complete disregard to how it would break me, I am here to remind myself to let it go. I need to keep reminding myself that I am okay without you and I will only continue to get better.

Rawr… for old times sakes.

Made it through Saturday, you might call it Valentine’s Day. . That’s a day for lovers; no lovers here.

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I made it thru valentine’s day without you.  I can’t stop thinking about the Twilight Woods body stuff you got me and if you still have it. Do you smell it and think of me?  I think of you almost every time i spray it and i wear it daily. . It’s the only thing I’ve worn for years now. Did you get sick of looking at it and empty the lotion out? Or did you keep it and give or to someone else?

You wouldn’t would you? Of course you would. You gave the love you promised me to someone else why not give her my body lotion. .

Ugh…

I’m so sad. 

I have been fighting looking at your Facebook to see if you’ve posted any new videos, it’s all i see on your page due to my rage filled unfriend, not my proudest moment, but i won’t key myself look. I’m terrified of what I’ll see.

You and her madly in love I’m sure and there is no way i could handle that.

Yuck.

Forever tortured.

Wordless Wednesdayseems like word-vomit Wednesday… Whoopsie.

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I am literally sitting here listening to Pandora play the screams from my soul while I attempt to write because in the past that is one of the few things that saved me. But I am not feeling so ‘saved’ anymore when I write, at least when I write here. I am feeling extra whiney and needy and unwanted, obviously, and I don’t really know why I continue to write to you/about you. I am more than convinced that you are so far healed and beyond me that I can’t even see the shadow of you in the distance anymore, but still I continue to pour my love and what is left of my soul out to you.

I continue to write to you as if you are reading and care.

I don’t know what is wrong with me.

If I continue to write to you is it making letting go of you harder? Or is writing to you my way of ‘letting you go’?

I’m so confused I don’t know what to do so I will just continue to write you out of my soul like I have been.

I will continue to let you slowly leave my life through my writings while I search for myself at the same time.

I know someday I too will be like you and have a new love to write about/love/fuck/kiss/hold/want/need. Someday I will not wake up feeling like I can’t catch my breath with the heaviest ache in my soul you could ever imagine. I mean seriously? Do I have to still feel like I am so lost without you after all this time? Do you think I want to feel this misery? Do you think I don’t wish every second of every day that I could walk away from any and everything US and not look back like you have? Of course I don’t want to hurt and love and want and need someone who doesn’t care about me or want me or love me or need me. I don’t think anyone ever wants that.

But that is what I am stuck with.

An undying love.

I am so scared for when this love does truly die out because I know I will never find something like it.

And that terrifies me more than not feeling anything ever again.

What if I gave you all the love I have and I don’t ever find it again?

What happens then?

What do you care? You’re in love. You’re not lonely and hurting and wondering what you could have done differently. You’re not questioning why the one time you truly believed in love how it could have ended this way. You’re not the one who cries themselves to sleep at night begging for darkness, no dreams because you are always in them and they quickly turn to nightmares.

No. That’s not how you spend your time at all.

You spend it with someone new. Telling them all the amazing things you used to tell me. That’s one of the hardest things about all of this. I know exactly what youre fucking saying and doing with her… because you spent the last 3 years doing the exact fucking same thing to me!!!

Why did I fall for it?

Why did my soul choose you to be forever?

Fucking fuck.

I survived another week without you… I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about that.

girl broke

I have so many unfinished posts. I might try to spend the morning sorting thru and posting. I don’t know how long I’ll last but is worth a try. I’ve got nothing better to do right now anyways.
Being sick sucks.

So I lasted about 20 seconds before I was interupted and now I’m sitting in the bean bag hiding out trying to figure out how its the early hours of the am again when I started this shortly after the sun rose yesterday I guess.

I tried to look at how many unfinished posts I have but it’s overwhelming. There are so many. I have so many tear filled letters to you. I don’t think I will ever stop writing to you. I dont think I will ever stop loving you. I dont think anyone will ever replace you.

I know that none of those things are true for you when it comes to me.

There was a time that you thought you loved me. There was a time that hearing my voice gave you butterflies and the thought of being next to me got you hard…

Now I am barely an ancient memory to you.

Sad panda.

Fuck you Friday. You sucked like I knew you would.

Soul-less…

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Good things must be happening for you. I can tell because the ache in my soul is constant. You have been racing through my thoughts/dreams/nightmares at a rapid pace. I can’t escape you. You haunt my every move.

I can only assume it’s my souls way of trying to hang on to you. I have decided that you must be completely letting me go and my soul can feel it. It’s crushing and comforting at the same time. Whatever it was that you thought was worth more than US just might be turning out to be just that. That tears me a part and eases the hurt knowing that if that is truly the case then you truly never were meant to be mine and that I can literally grieve for you forever but you won’t be coming back. And that somehow gives me some sick comfort knowing that I didn’t have to make the decision to not try anymore because the decision was made for me. You have to live with knowing you walked away for something ‘better’. I get to live knowing I tried like crazy for something I believed in and there was literally nothing else I could do. I had exhausted all of my options when it came to US.

I couldn’t show possibly do anything to say or show you how much I loved you because I had done and said it all.

I pushed any and everything away for a love that I truly thought was worth it.

I loved and believed with every ounce of my being.

And I think I loved US to death.

So now I am sitting here with an ache in my soul, silently screaming out for something that will never be mine.

I’m so afraid to let this love go. The love that I have shared here feels like home. What if I truly let it go and I am never able to find a love like it again? What if I mistakenly gave all the love I had here and wasted it on something that was not real and now I don’t have anything left to give anyone else? Or worse what if I never find anyone who even wants my love?

I’m going back to bed.

Wake me never.